Vault Residue

I found this old posting left over after my eleven day stint as political contributor for Out magazine.
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Surprised by the display of diversity at the Republican National Convention -- some delegates wore red cowboy hats, some did not -- the sparse crowd provided evidence that the offspring of Reagan’s Revolution are indeed a colorful lot: Florida’s tanned delegation displayed just enough patina to avoid unfair comparisons with Big and Rich fans. I’m assuming the giant, digitized American flag waving behind the stage was a reminder that Minnesota is part of the United States. The Mississippi contingent breathed a sigh of relief. Unsure if their folding money was accepted in St. Paul, they chanted “USA!” in celebration after being assured that no confusing currency exchange rate would create nervous uncertainty when paying their bar tabs.

It was disappointing that President Bush couldn’t personally address the convention. Still preoccupied with Hurricane Gustav‘s wet, wind-blown aftermath, he had barely enough time to phone-in a nine minute howdy-do. Vice President Cheney is rumored to be war mongering abroad, which explains his absence from the festivities. Fred Thompson was a pleasant surprise. Reading the speech that Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to give, I thought he provided hammy “Petticoat Junction” ambience Arnold has trouble pulling off. Arnold is a gifted actor but I’m not sure if Uncle Joe is in his repertoire. Reminding viewers of yet another reason to embrace Sarah Palin because she can “field dress a moose”, Fred’s observation cleverly put to rest unease about her resume. I’m sure this endearing skill will come in handy when debating Senator Biden in St. Louis.

Speaking of Uncle Joe, Senator Liebermann was in fine form. Although the Alabama delegation wasn’t sure when to grunt “USA!” and when to boo, his appeal to neoconservative Democrats is worth literally a handful of votes for the McCain-Palin ticket. Juxtaposing McCain’s salty unpredictability with Obama’s youthful equanimity went a long way in wresting the “change” mantel away from the flashy upstart. I’m guessing someone possessing McCain’s preternatural ability to pretend he’s never flip-flopped on every major issue is an essential character requirement for restoring honor and integrity back to Washington; but I’m not sure if Washington’s lack of honor and integrity is the fault of the new Congressional majority or the Bush Administration. Perhaps this disconnect explains why the President’s address was eight minutes and fifty seconds longer than the McCain campaign requested.

Strange that the word ’torture’ was never used when the headliners hinted McCain was once ill-treated by the Cong.

Revved and ready for round VIII of the Culture Wars, I’m looking forward to Governor Palin’s oratory. Adler hopes she can do rope tricks that appear authentic and not awkward "Annie Get Your Gun" imitations. We have a five dollar bet riding on her theme song. I say it’s “I Can’t Say No” from "Oklahoma"; Adler is placing his money on Heart’s “Barracuda”.