An undetermined number of Republicans are enjoying “Tea Party Woodstock”; placing those three words together just isn't right. Twelve years old when the original Woodstock spawned the porta-potty industry, my parents decided that I was too young to accept the freaky next door neighbor’s invitation to tag along. I fought back tears watching Shorty drive away in his camper-hearse.
Six years later, one of the hairier non-traditional students from my freshman orientation class captivated me and other pucca-shelled student union hipsters with vague recollections of his long weekend spent tripping on Max Yasgar’s farm. Mr. Mike compressed the iconic event into no food, hallucinations and mucky fucking. When asked about the music, he shrugged and shook his head.
The last time I saw Mr. Mike he was in the custody of campus security. But he looked happy.
Gathered outside Majority Leader Harry Reid’s hometown, Preparation H Woodstock has attracted top names in the pandering industry. Sarah Palin, fresh from helping shove John McCain’s reputation even further down the crapper, is flying in to shake her money maker. Sarah’s backup singers include Joe the Plumber, Andrew Breitbart and Newsmax sensation, Hannah Giles. Too bad Hannah’s partner is still sorting out his legal situation. I’m sure the mob would love to see James O’Keefe and Hannah reprise their classic rendition of “Moo Woo Woo” -- especially if wearing traditional Irish pimp and ’ho costumes.
Laura Meyers, a Las Vegas Review-Journal reporter, arrived early and filed this little peek into real America:
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Dave Alexander, a Las Vegas tour guide, was already selling souvenir T-shirts featuring a yellow-flag “Don’t Tread on Me” motto. It’s a Tea Party favorite.
“Sarah gave me the courage and the incentive to get off my La-Z-Boy recliner and stop cussing at the politicians on TV and start getting out and doing something,” said Alexander, smoking a cigarette and wearing a red, white and blue baseball cap. He said he would sleep on site in his Toyota Tundra double-cap pickup with a couple of friends. His lunch was spray cheese on Ritz crackers.
“We’ll be roughing it a bit, I guess,” he said.
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I almost forgot that Victoria Jackson is beaming in to share her social studies skill with Dave and fellow gourmets. The former SNL comedienne is best known for performing hand-stands while warbling. Oddly enough, this unique talent didn’t segue into silver screen stardom.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Cantor Banter
Last Thursday Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) announced that he was the victim of domestic terrorism. The Minority Whip said a bullet was fired into his congressional office. This shocking revelation, following numerous incidents of angry intimidation aimed at Democratic lawmakers, heightened an already tense environment. While Democrats complained of racial and sexual slurs, spit, faxed nooses, ad nauseam, Cantor upped the ante and insinuated that he had narrowly escaped an assassination attempt.
There is just one problem with his story: it was wildly exaggerated.
Several hours before the Minority Whip shared his chilling tale, Richmond police issued a report debunking Cantor’s claim that he was sniper bait. First of all, the unfortunate window was not attached to his congressional office, but to rental space he shares with three other lessees. There is no signing that indicates Cantor has any connection to the building. And about the bullet, it’s safe to conclude that Cantor was not the slug’s intended target. In fact, whoever fired the gun was pointing at the sky. The bullet, on its return flight, had just enough momentum to break glass, but couldn’t penetrate the window blinds. Essentially, Cantor’s “direct threat” was nothing more than a random act of careless “gun play” -- or spent celebratory brass from an Afghan wedding party.
Faced with defending (spinning) his boss’s fact-free rush-to-judgment, Cantor’s spokesman, Brad Dayspring, implied the congressman was relying on “information available at the time”. I guess neither Cantor nor his staff has internet access.
I like Steven Benen’s take: “But the defense doesn’t exactly make Cantor look good, either. The Minority Whip was so anxious to make it seem like violent threats are a problem for “both sides” that he, ahem, jumped the gun. He didn’t really know what he was talking about, but he nevertheless told reporters and America about a “threat” that didn’t exist. Many media outlets even bought into Cantor’s claim at face value, assuming that he wouldn’t say something like this if it weren’t true. For that matter, for a media desperate to characterize every ugly phenomenon as “bipartisan”, Cantor gave them what they wanted.
But it wasn’t true. Given the larger atmosphere, and the actual violence that’s already occurred, people in Cantor’s position have a responsibility not to be reckless with the truth. It’s a responsibility clearly and conveniently forgot at an important moment”.
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I’m sure Glenn Beck will put his chalkboard to better use and provide his reclining army the straight dope.
There is just one problem with his story: it was wildly exaggerated.
Several hours before the Minority Whip shared his chilling tale, Richmond police issued a report debunking Cantor’s claim that he was sniper bait. First of all, the unfortunate window was not attached to his congressional office, but to rental space he shares with three other lessees. There is no signing that indicates Cantor has any connection to the building. And about the bullet, it’s safe to conclude that Cantor was not the slug’s intended target. In fact, whoever fired the gun was pointing at the sky. The bullet, on its return flight, had just enough momentum to break glass, but couldn’t penetrate the window blinds. Essentially, Cantor’s “direct threat” was nothing more than a random act of careless “gun play” -- or spent celebratory brass from an Afghan wedding party.
Faced with defending (spinning) his boss’s fact-free rush-to-judgment, Cantor’s spokesman, Brad Dayspring, implied the congressman was relying on “information available at the time”. I guess neither Cantor nor his staff has internet access.
I like Steven Benen’s take: “But the defense doesn’t exactly make Cantor look good, either. The Minority Whip was so anxious to make it seem like violent threats are a problem for “both sides” that he, ahem, jumped the gun. He didn’t really know what he was talking about, but he nevertheless told reporters and America about a “threat” that didn’t exist. Many media outlets even bought into Cantor’s claim at face value, assuming that he wouldn’t say something like this if it weren’t true. For that matter, for a media desperate to characterize every ugly phenomenon as “bipartisan”, Cantor gave them what they wanted.
But it wasn’t true. Given the larger atmosphere, and the actual violence that’s already occurred, people in Cantor’s position have a responsibility not to be reckless with the truth. It’s a responsibility clearly and conveniently forgot at an important moment”.
_______________________________
I’m sure Glenn Beck will put his chalkboard to better use and provide his reclining army the straight dope.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
sea change
The Hairdresser thinks I was too rough on Bart Stupak. After all, he did come around at the last minute and help push HCR past the finish line. Sorry. It’s not that I’m cold or stubborn (I'm actually a very malleable bundle of easy come, easy go) but coddling Bart’s particular religious beliefs should never trump the needs of Americans without health-care. Abortion is still legal in this country, contrary to what pro-life fetus defenders pretend. It’s not that I have anything against the fetus. I just follow the Constitution: a woman's uterus is HER OWN DAMN BUSINESS.
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I rarely laugh out loud, but John Boehner’s last minute pep talk to fellow House Republicans was a rare exception. Reminding them that a lot of people were watching C-SPAN, he cautioned his colleagues to “act like grown ups”. In other words: behave. One of the Minority Leader’s many responsibilities must be keeping class clowns in line. Maybe this is why Boehner chases Michele Bachmann around the Capitol with a paddle.
Yes, I know a net would be more appropriate.
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Several of the True Realization’s fellow travelers disagreed with my assessment that Tea Baggers were “Southern Strategy” Republicans in disguise; once again, sorry. The so-called movement’s incestuous relationship with Fox, talk radio and GOP funded front groups is too obvious. In fact, this is the last time I will ever write Tea Bagger. From now on every racial slur, every act of domestic violence and every glob of hateful spittle that comes from the mob’s mouth will be placed directly upon the RNC’s doorstep -- where it belongs. The days of 'plausible deniability' are over.
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It’s impossible to underestimate the historic legislative victory achieved by the president. The political wind no longer blows from the right side of the aisle. Republicans, establishing their brand as disingenuous and incompetent, are now stuck asking voters to choose the profits of heath-care insurers over personal well-being. Good luck with that.
Gregg Sargent: “The conventional wisdom inside the Beltway, which for so long held that Dems were courting political disaster if they passed reform, has suddenly swung violently in the other direction -- another reminder that when you win, people view you as, well, a winner”.
__________________________
I rarely laugh out loud, but John Boehner’s last minute pep talk to fellow House Republicans was a rare exception. Reminding them that a lot of people were watching C-SPAN, he cautioned his colleagues to “act like grown ups”. In other words: behave. One of the Minority Leader’s many responsibilities must be keeping class clowns in line. Maybe this is why Boehner chases Michele Bachmann around the Capitol with a paddle.
Yes, I know a net would be more appropriate.
___________________________
Several of the True Realization’s fellow travelers disagreed with my assessment that Tea Baggers were “Southern Strategy” Republicans in disguise; once again, sorry. The so-called movement’s incestuous relationship with Fox, talk radio and GOP funded front groups is too obvious. In fact, this is the last time I will ever write Tea Bagger. From now on every racial slur, every act of domestic violence and every glob of hateful spittle that comes from the mob’s mouth will be placed directly upon the RNC’s doorstep -- where it belongs. The days of 'plausible deniability' are over.
___________________________
It’s impossible to underestimate the historic legislative victory achieved by the president. The political wind no longer blows from the right side of the aisle. Republicans, establishing their brand as disingenuous and incompetent, are now stuck asking voters to choose the profits of heath-care insurers over personal well-being. Good luck with that.
Gregg Sargent: “The conventional wisdom inside the Beltway, which for so long held that Dems were courting political disaster if they passed reform, has suddenly swung violently in the other direction -- another reminder that when you win, people view you as, well, a winner”.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
the day the tea bag died
From the get-go “Tea Baggers” were poorly disguised Movement Conservatives pretending to be grass root populists. Staunch Bush-Cheney Republicans, they hid their party affiliation behind silly costumes and loathsome signs. Nothing but a toxic brew of shrill incoherence and blatant racism, it is a national disgrace that these ignorant sore losers were allowed one second of media attention. Even though “Tea Baggers” bore an uncanny resemblance to Rush Limbaugh’s ethnically diverse audience, too many in the media went out of their way to portray the remaining dregs of Reagan’s Revolution as an independent voice representing genuine fear over Big Government’s assault against super-sized value meals.
It’s time to call the “Tea Baggers” out for what they really are: Republicans. And since the Republican Party is now a wholly owned subsidiary of Fox & Rush Limbaugh, Inc., Republicans need to officially change their party’s name. Past association with socialists like Teddy Roosevelt and Dwight Eisenhower could entice a mob of “nigger” shouting, gun-toting “real” Americans into a flurry of spittle-fueled race baiting. Shots might be fired if a rifle-toting asshole found out Reagan raised taxes.
There is only one option left for the survivors of Jim DeMint’s Waterloo: Costa Rica.
I’m going to send the losing party’s chairman a terse email:
Hola!
How is President Obama’s hope and change working out for you?
Have no fear, my deaf amigo.
There are still mucho fancy mattresses to sell.
Juan Don
It’s time to call the “Tea Baggers” out for what they really are: Republicans. And since the Republican Party is now a wholly owned subsidiary of Fox & Rush Limbaugh, Inc., Republicans need to officially change their party’s name. Past association with socialists like Teddy Roosevelt and Dwight Eisenhower could entice a mob of “nigger” shouting, gun-toting “real” Americans into a flurry of spittle-fueled race baiting. Shots might be fired if a rifle-toting asshole found out Reagan raised taxes.
There is only one option left for the survivors of Jim DeMint’s Waterloo: Costa Rica.
I’m going to send the losing party’s chairman a terse email:
Hola!
How is President Obama’s hope and change working out for you?
Have no fear, my deaf amigo.
There are still mucho fancy mattresses to sell.
Juan Don
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Scam American & an ongoing concern
So far Sean Hannity has remained beneath the Cone of Silence in hopes that his less-than-charitable participation with Ollie North’s Freedom Alliance will fade from our media’s scandal obsessed radar screen. Because his audience of ill-informed ideologues receive their “information” exclusively from propaganda peddlers, Hannity can rely on the right’s well-oiled smear machine to mount an attack against Debbie Schlussel’s apostasy. Schlussel, no slouch in the wingnut department, committed the cardinal sin of exposing one her own. Worse yet, she provided evidence of Hannity’s below-board behavior: committing an act of blatant transparency does call into question Schlussel’s credibility.
But if Jupiter is aligned with Mars, skittish grifters may decide that edging away from Hannity qualifies as self-preservation -- assuming the scandal is fueled by further evidence of purulent misconduct. It’s one thing to take cash for personal appearances and ghost written books; it’s quite another to pretend money raised is earmarked for wounded soldiers and children. Keep in mind that should the usual suspects realize defending Hannity is counter-productive, it’s only because he was caught red handed. Every “Great American” knows that one bad apple spoils the whole barrel.
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I hope this is true: Democrats no longer need Bart Stupak’s vote. The C-Street disciple canceled his scheduled press conference this morning, creating buzz that his coalition is falling apart. Ezra Klein, providing real time updates, is reporting that Speaker Pelosi rejected Stupak’s insistence on a separate vote that would add further restrictions to the odious Hyde Amendment.
It should be clear to House leaders that Stupak was never going to support HCR. The Wisconsin saboteur has spent more time scheming with Republicans than working with colleagues. Still ___ votes short, a full-court press in on to woo the remaining uncommitted. Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-IL) is confident that Speaker Pelosi has the 216 votes without Stupak -- and what’s left of his bill-killing gang. Alas, there is no way to confirm Schakowsky’s optimism.
If President Obama signs an executive order reaffirming the bill’s current abortion funding restrictions, he has the blessing of key pro-choice Democrats. Klein believes that this extra layer of protection might allay the reelection fears of skittish Blue Dog fence-sitters. Ironically, the Blue Dogs worried about losing pro-life votes should be paying more attention to organized labor. The unions are making no bones about withholding campaign cash from defecting Democrats. In fact, they can expect to face a well-financed primary challenge.
Also known as Bart Stupak meets Connie Saltonstall.
It’s time for Merlot before shoveling spring snow.
But if Jupiter is aligned with Mars, skittish grifters may decide that edging away from Hannity qualifies as self-preservation -- assuming the scandal is fueled by further evidence of purulent misconduct. It’s one thing to take cash for personal appearances and ghost written books; it’s quite another to pretend money raised is earmarked for wounded soldiers and children. Keep in mind that should the usual suspects realize defending Hannity is counter-productive, it’s only because he was caught red handed. Every “Great American” knows that one bad apple spoils the whole barrel.
___________________________
I hope this is true: Democrats no longer need Bart Stupak’s vote. The C-Street disciple canceled his scheduled press conference this morning, creating buzz that his coalition is falling apart. Ezra Klein, providing real time updates, is reporting that Speaker Pelosi rejected Stupak’s insistence on a separate vote that would add further restrictions to the odious Hyde Amendment.
It should be clear to House leaders that Stupak was never going to support HCR. The Wisconsin saboteur has spent more time scheming with Republicans than working with colleagues. Still ___ votes short, a full-court press in on to woo the remaining uncommitted. Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-IL) is confident that Speaker Pelosi has the 216 votes without Stupak -- and what’s left of his bill-killing gang. Alas, there is no way to confirm Schakowsky’s optimism.
If President Obama signs an executive order reaffirming the bill’s current abortion funding restrictions, he has the blessing of key pro-choice Democrats. Klein believes that this extra layer of protection might allay the reelection fears of skittish Blue Dog fence-sitters. Ironically, the Blue Dogs worried about losing pro-life votes should be paying more attention to organized labor. The unions are making no bones about withholding campaign cash from defecting Democrats. In fact, they can expect to face a well-financed primary challenge.
Also known as Bart Stupak meets Connie Saltonstall.
It’s time for Merlot before shoveling spring snow.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
inching closer
House Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) is supporting HCR. Dennis, an unabashed liberal, was previously dead-set against the current bill: he believed it wasn’t strong enough. Dennis is in favor of the public option. And he’s right; a single-payer system is the best solution to fix the health-care crisis. Unfortunately, the deep pockets of special interest will not permit rational policy to trump greed. That’s the world we live in.
Kucinich’s acquiescence, accepting the reality that HCR is an historic first step in dragging America’s broken, over-priced and exclusionary disgrace into the 21st century, probably won’t have much sway over Democratic fence-sitters, as he was the last member of the Progressive Caucus to switch sides. According to Chris Bowers of Action Left, eight more are needed from the 15 undecided Reps to reach the magic number. A majority of the 15 come from Bart Stupak’s Roman Catholic coalition. Stupak (D-C Street) still objects to abortion language contained in the Senate bill. However, the fierce pro-lifer has difficulty keeping his facts straight. Specifically, Stupak’s objection over the use of taxpayer money to fund elective abortions is unfounded. The Catholic Health Organization -- representing 600 hospitals -- agrees:
“Despite false claims to the contrary, the Senate bill will not provide taxpayer funding for elective abortions. It will uphold longstanding conscience protections and it will make historic new investments in the support of pregnant women. This is a real pro-life stance, and we as Catholics are all for it.”
Dale Kildee (D-MI) offers a glimmer of hope that Stupak’s pro-life block is feeling the heat from pro-passage constituents. Kildee has peeled away, saying that voting for the bill in no way compromises his staunch pro-life stance. It’s telling that Stupak has gone to Fox and whined about how fellow Democrats are no longer kissing his ass, hoping he’ll do the right thing. The media spotlight placed on Stupak has revealed him to be a bad faith player with dubious connections. Good luck winning reelection, Bart.
And best wishes to all the Blue Dog Democrats come November -- assuming they aren’t defeated in the primary election.
Kucinich’s acquiescence, accepting the reality that HCR is an historic first step in dragging America’s broken, over-priced and exclusionary disgrace into the 21st century, probably won’t have much sway over Democratic fence-sitters, as he was the last member of the Progressive Caucus to switch sides. According to Chris Bowers of Action Left, eight more are needed from the 15 undecided Reps to reach the magic number. A majority of the 15 come from Bart Stupak’s Roman Catholic coalition. Stupak (D-C Street) still objects to abortion language contained in the Senate bill. However, the fierce pro-lifer has difficulty keeping his facts straight. Specifically, Stupak’s objection over the use of taxpayer money to fund elective abortions is unfounded. The Catholic Health Organization -- representing 600 hospitals -- agrees:
“Despite false claims to the contrary, the Senate bill will not provide taxpayer funding for elective abortions. It will uphold longstanding conscience protections and it will make historic new investments in the support of pregnant women. This is a real pro-life stance, and we as Catholics are all for it.”
Dale Kildee (D-MI) offers a glimmer of hope that Stupak’s pro-life block is feeling the heat from pro-passage constituents. Kildee has peeled away, saying that voting for the bill in no way compromises his staunch pro-life stance. It’s telling that Stupak has gone to Fox and whined about how fellow Democrats are no longer kissing his ass, hoping he’ll do the right thing. The media spotlight placed on Stupak has revealed him to be a bad faith player with dubious connections. Good luck winning reelection, Bart.
And best wishes to all the Blue Dog Democrats come November -- assuming they aren’t defeated in the primary election.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A meager swarm
Nate Silver, the best political pollster in the business, is “guardedly optimistic” that 216 House members will vote yes for HCR. I’d cross my fingers if such delicate manual dexterity was still possible. Thus far I’ve haven’t found one serious observer ready to wade the Rubicon and declare reform a done deal. And so I wait in puckered repose.
Dick Armey’s orchestrated assault on Capitol Hill will no doubt receive extensive news coverage. For some reason the corporate media enjoys transforming a gaggle of Tea Baggers into Joel’s Army. Using Texas-style mathematics, Village stenographers will add an additional six figures to a mob easily stuffed inside an average sized mega-church. A clever hack, Armey has removed references to the Republican Party’s generous supply of placarded outrage, lest a roving reporter’s tale of homegrown antipathy against affordable health-care be tainted by signs of RNC patronage.
I do like the “Ides of March” analogy uttered by Mark Sanford, South Carolina’s gallant Romeo. The image of toga-robed, knife wielding Senators saving the republic from an African Caesar’s attempt to reign in health-care costs is more colorful than anything J.D. Hayworth could whip up. Then again, J.D. might whip out another man-on-horse aberration to warn the “base” away from Obamacare. Lord knows what unnatural perversions Democrats have planned for Pop’s colonoscopy. Why right-wing grifters inject bestiality into political discourse is a question best left for abnormal psychology specialists.
At least Hayworth and Rick Santorum (Rick’s infatuated with man-on-dog coupling) omit sheep from their hairy harem. Thrusting out a wild poke, I suspect that probing an occasional ewe’s forbidden fruit is considered a rural perk among the “base’s” staunchest defenders of man-on-cousin coitus.
_______________________________
I’m placing CNN on my no-fly list. Disturbing at it was that the cable news channel paid for Glenn Beck’s loony tunes, hiring Erick Erickson is the final straw. I won’t delve into the gory details concerning Erik’s contribution to brain-dead punditry. Confident that all three Juan Don readers are up to speed on the moron’s seedy history, I’m spared spending time rehashing Erick’s greatest misses.
_______________________________
It appears that “Code Red” turnout was so small reporters were forced to guesstimate “hundreds” littered the Capital’s concrete. Although the national media is blessed with a healthy budget, justifying the expense of sending out camera crews to cover a “handful” can generate testy inter-office memos. Good thing Fox has canned footage of anti-war demonstrations to compliment hard news interviews with wandering stragglers.
Dick Armey’s orchestrated assault on Capitol Hill will no doubt receive extensive news coverage. For some reason the corporate media enjoys transforming a gaggle of Tea Baggers into Joel’s Army. Using Texas-style mathematics, Village stenographers will add an additional six figures to a mob easily stuffed inside an average sized mega-church. A clever hack, Armey has removed references to the Republican Party’s generous supply of placarded outrage, lest a roving reporter’s tale of homegrown antipathy against affordable health-care be tainted by signs of RNC patronage.
I do like the “Ides of March” analogy uttered by Mark Sanford, South Carolina’s gallant Romeo. The image of toga-robed, knife wielding Senators saving the republic from an African Caesar’s attempt to reign in health-care costs is more colorful than anything J.D. Hayworth could whip up. Then again, J.D. might whip out another man-on-horse aberration to warn the “base” away from Obamacare. Lord knows what unnatural perversions Democrats have planned for Pop’s colonoscopy. Why right-wing grifters inject bestiality into political discourse is a question best left for abnormal psychology specialists.
At least Hayworth and Rick Santorum (Rick’s infatuated with man-on-dog coupling) omit sheep from their hairy harem. Thrusting out a wild poke, I suspect that probing an occasional ewe’s forbidden fruit is considered a rural perk among the “base’s” staunchest defenders of man-on-cousin coitus.
_______________________________
I’m placing CNN on my no-fly list. Disturbing at it was that the cable news channel paid for Glenn Beck’s loony tunes, hiring Erick Erickson is the final straw. I won’t delve into the gory details concerning Erik’s contribution to brain-dead punditry. Confident that all three Juan Don readers are up to speed on the moron’s seedy history, I’m spared spending time rehashing Erick’s greatest misses.
_______________________________
It appears that “Code Red” turnout was so small reporters were forced to guesstimate “hundreds” littered the Capital’s concrete. Although the national media is blessed with a healthy budget, justifying the expense of sending out camera crews to cover a “handful” can generate testy inter-office memos. Good thing Fox has canned footage of anti-war demonstrations to compliment hard news interviews with wandering stragglers.
Monday, March 15, 2010
red nosed rosary
Jim Wallis, founder of the progressive Christian website Sojourners, was one of many who took issue with Glenn Beck’s rant against churches preaching the concept of “social justice”. Beck went so far as to encourage his radio audience to “leave their church” if Father Gerry weaved such blasphemous heresy into his Epistle lesson. The Jesus that Glenn knows and loves would never, ever give a sucker an even break.
Every idiot knows that “social justice” is communism with two words. The savvy idiot understands that socialism is how liberal elites spell communism. If an idiot is really on his or her game, fascism can be attached to the other ‘isms’ -- assuming the President of the United States hates white people. Glenn, a self-educated disc jockey before earning his “rodeo clown” pants, is very sensitive to slurs against The Gospels, especially those claiming Jesus worked pro bono. Glenn’s Jesus would be earning $23,000,000 a year entertaining confused bigots, and not wasting his time on sick deadbeats.
Wallis wrote Beck a nice letter and asked if they could meet in an open forum and debate whether or not “social justice” is anathema to Christianity. He went out of his way to stress that his beef with Beck was nothing personal, and hoped that they could have a civil conversation.
Glenn responded to Jim’s invitation on his radio show:
“So Jim, I just wanted to pass this on to you. In my time I will respond -- my time, well, kind of like God’s time, might be a day, might be a week to you, I’m not sure. But I’m going to get to it in my time, not your time. So you go ahead and you do your protest thing, and that’s great. I love it. But just know -- the hammer is coming, because little do you know, for eight weeks, we’ve been compiling information on you, your cute little organization, and all the other cute little people that are with you. And when the hammer comes, it’s going to be hammering hard and all through the night, over and over…”
It appears that some “rodeo clowns” have a mean streak. Maybe it’s caused by over-exposure to horseshit.
Every idiot knows that “social justice” is communism with two words. The savvy idiot understands that socialism is how liberal elites spell communism. If an idiot is really on his or her game, fascism can be attached to the other ‘isms’ -- assuming the President of the United States hates white people. Glenn, a self-educated disc jockey before earning his “rodeo clown” pants, is very sensitive to slurs against The Gospels, especially those claiming Jesus worked pro bono. Glenn’s Jesus would be earning $23,000,000 a year entertaining confused bigots, and not wasting his time on sick deadbeats.
Wallis wrote Beck a nice letter and asked if they could meet in an open forum and debate whether or not “social justice” is anathema to Christianity. He went out of his way to stress that his beef with Beck was nothing personal, and hoped that they could have a civil conversation.
Glenn responded to Jim’s invitation on his radio show:
“So Jim, I just wanted to pass this on to you. In my time I will respond -- my time, well, kind of like God’s time, might be a day, might be a week to you, I’m not sure. But I’m going to get to it in my time, not your time. So you go ahead and you do your protest thing, and that’s great. I love it. But just know -- the hammer is coming, because little do you know, for eight weeks, we’ve been compiling information on you, your cute little organization, and all the other cute little people that are with you. And when the hammer comes, it’s going to be hammering hard and all through the night, over and over…”
It appears that some “rodeo clowns” have a mean streak. Maybe it’s caused by over-exposure to horseshit.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Ailes or your lyin' eyes?
Howell Raines: “For the first time since the yellow journalism of a century ago, the United States has a major news organization devoted to the promotion of one political party. And let no one be moved by occasional spouts of criticism of the GOP on Fox. In a bygone era of fact-based commentary typified, left to right, by my late colleagues Scotty Reston and Bill Safire, these deceptions would have been given their proper label: disinformation.”
Raines’ Washington Post op-ed is spot on.
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The disease injected by Murdock-Ailes into the body of national discourse is a cancer that can only be eradicated if professional journalists publicly defend the Fourth Estate against FNC’s far-right subterfuge. Fox purports to be a legitimate news operation, not another Comedy Central. Ailes dodges accountability by claiming evening programming is nothing more or less than televised editorials -- meaning views expressed represent the host’s personal opinion. But then Ailes is just another over-paid Republican Philistine. There is no disclaimer attached to these “shows” that identifies content as prejudicial, fact-free hit pieces. Of course the work-a-day talking heads are held to a slightly higher standard. Who could argue that “Fox and Friends” doesn’t bend over backwards to avoid the appearance of blatant political partiality?
Roger Ailes shrugs when pressed to defend his slanted “news” operation. He's on record muttering that his only obligation is to ensure Rupert Murdock makes money. In his warped universe selling garbage repackaged as serious content is fine as long as it’s profitable and helps keep Republicans in power; if viewers aren’t able to disseminate the difference between honest journalism and agenda-driven drivel, that’s not his problem. Pretending that every other for-profit news outlet is tainted with liberal bias, Ailes implies that his 24 hour hyper-partisan attack against President Obama and the Democratic Party provides “balance” to the mainstream media’s non-existent love affair with progressive ideology. In short, Glenn Beck’s psychotic episodes are a reasoned rebuttal to Rachael Maddow’s researched and sourced reporting.
It’s unlikely there would be a ‘grassroots groundswell’ of tax-hating Tea Baggers protesting Obama’s $298 billion dollar tax cut without the “news” channel’s active encouragement and promotion; nor would Sarah Palin’s vast reservoir of expertise concerning “Death Panels” be exploited without Ailes supplying her a “fair and balanced” platform to expose the murderous intentions American Medical Association Marxists have in store for senior citizens.
And where else can cable television subscribers hear Frank Gaffney rattle his plastic saber, demanding yet another unfunded, preemptive invasion? Because the unnecessary aggression against Iraq was such a smashing success (he predicted Operation Iraqi Freedom would be a “cake walk”), Gaffney must be taken seriously. After all, he does have a track record. Assuming FNC junkies are lucky and William Kristol joins Gaffney in a rousing round of Sunday morning Obama bashing, local airheads will have two foreign policy “experts” to ape when concern trolling the president’s lack of commander-in-chief credentials. Compared to Gaffney, Kristol is a fucking military genius.
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This should make Anson Burlingame's Ayn nice and Rand:
Virginia Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, is taking full advantage of the court's recent ruling that gave corporations the unalienable right to play Pinocchio and become a real live boy. She is using corporate funds to start a new Tea Party lobbying group. And who said this fairy tale wouldn't have a happy ending?
Raines’ Washington Post op-ed is spot on.
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The disease injected by Murdock-Ailes into the body of national discourse is a cancer that can only be eradicated if professional journalists publicly defend the Fourth Estate against FNC’s far-right subterfuge. Fox purports to be a legitimate news operation, not another Comedy Central. Ailes dodges accountability by claiming evening programming is nothing more or less than televised editorials -- meaning views expressed represent the host’s personal opinion. But then Ailes is just another over-paid Republican Philistine. There is no disclaimer attached to these “shows” that identifies content as prejudicial, fact-free hit pieces. Of course the work-a-day talking heads are held to a slightly higher standard. Who could argue that “Fox and Friends” doesn’t bend over backwards to avoid the appearance of blatant political partiality?
Roger Ailes shrugs when pressed to defend his slanted “news” operation. He's on record muttering that his only obligation is to ensure Rupert Murdock makes money. In his warped universe selling garbage repackaged as serious content is fine as long as it’s profitable and helps keep Republicans in power; if viewers aren’t able to disseminate the difference between honest journalism and agenda-driven drivel, that’s not his problem. Pretending that every other for-profit news outlet is tainted with liberal bias, Ailes implies that his 24 hour hyper-partisan attack against President Obama and the Democratic Party provides “balance” to the mainstream media’s non-existent love affair with progressive ideology. In short, Glenn Beck’s psychotic episodes are a reasoned rebuttal to Rachael Maddow’s researched and sourced reporting.
It’s unlikely there would be a ‘grassroots groundswell’ of tax-hating Tea Baggers protesting Obama’s $298 billion dollar tax cut without the “news” channel’s active encouragement and promotion; nor would Sarah Palin’s vast reservoir of expertise concerning “Death Panels” be exploited without Ailes supplying her a “fair and balanced” platform to expose the murderous intentions American Medical Association Marxists have in store for senior citizens.
And where else can cable television subscribers hear Frank Gaffney rattle his plastic saber, demanding yet another unfunded, preemptive invasion? Because the unnecessary aggression against Iraq was such a smashing success (he predicted Operation Iraqi Freedom would be a “cake walk”), Gaffney must be taken seriously. After all, he does have a track record. Assuming FNC junkies are lucky and William Kristol joins Gaffney in a rousing round of Sunday morning Obama bashing, local airheads will have two foreign policy “experts” to ape when concern trolling the president’s lack of commander-in-chief credentials. Compared to Gaffney, Kristol is a fucking military genius.
___________________________________
This should make Anson Burlingame's Ayn nice and Rand:
Virginia Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, is taking full advantage of the court's recent ruling that gave corporations the unalienable right to play Pinocchio and become a real live boy. She is using corporate funds to start a new Tea Party lobbying group. And who said this fairy tale wouldn't have a happy ending?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Hey! That's not a scrub brush!
The best comment I’ve read that succinctly captures the kook-off between ex-Congressman Eric Massa and Glenn Beck: “It was Beck’s Geraldo in Capone’s vault moment”.
The best contextualizing of Massa’s tickle me Elmo defense is from The Onion (circa 2006): “Why Do Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?”
Riveting television, to be sure.
Not even a genius like Rush Limbaugh could detect the whiff of ‘wangy’ fruitcake wafting from Massa’s shower towel. It took the smartest (or highest) man in America 24 hours to pad away from Massa’s meltdown. In fairness, El Rushbo was hard-pressed to continue his embrace of the ex-Congressman’s initial hosiility against the White House after discovering Massa had previously denounced him as an unpatriotic dick: Rush had no option but to do the only honorable thing and proclaimed Massa a spurious flake.
Politico has yet to determine whether it was Massa’s unbecoming disrespect for Limbaugh’s butt boil deferment (keeping the warrior pillow-bound during Vietnam) or allegations of male staff groping that soured their budding relationship. I find it hard to believe that Limbaugh would give Massa the cold shoulder just for playing a little grab ass. Known to be a rather randy man, Limbaugh doesn’t let his love of Jesus override innocuous hand-to-todger horseplay. Real Christian men, like Limbaugh, know the difference between locker room jocularity and full-blown 'faggotry'. It’s liberalism's perverse ideology that has ruined steamy bonding between naked white millionaires. Because time-honored mores have been polluted, an inadvertent, near-sighted peter-pull invariably leads to an awkward apology and strange reminiscence about the good old days of roped soap.
Compounding Rush’s on-air lapse of judgment is his declaration to flee the U.S. if HCR becomes a reality. On record preferring New Zealand as his Elba-of-choice, the beloved conservative icon has apparently changed his mind, and is now threatening Costa Rica with his presence.
New Zealand is a beautiful country. A friend of mine lived there for several years and returns whenever his wife will let him. Unfortunately, New Zealand is a poor sex tourist destination -- unless the traveler has a thing for sheep. Although lacking in sheep, Costa Rica does have socialized medicine -- and has for some time. I guess this is why Limbaugh back-pedaled this afternoon, and slurred that he never intended to live in Costa Rica, only hang around until his Viagra was gone or he ran afoul of honest vice cops .
The best contextualizing of Massa’s tickle me Elmo defense is from The Onion (circa 2006): “Why Do Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?”
Riveting television, to be sure.
Not even a genius like Rush Limbaugh could detect the whiff of ‘wangy’ fruitcake wafting from Massa’s shower towel. It took the smartest (or highest) man in America 24 hours to pad away from Massa’s meltdown. In fairness, El Rushbo was hard-pressed to continue his embrace of the ex-Congressman’s initial hosiility against the White House after discovering Massa had previously denounced him as an unpatriotic dick: Rush had no option but to do the only honorable thing and proclaimed Massa a spurious flake.
Politico has yet to determine whether it was Massa’s unbecoming disrespect for Limbaugh’s butt boil deferment (keeping the warrior pillow-bound during Vietnam) or allegations of male staff groping that soured their budding relationship. I find it hard to believe that Limbaugh would give Massa the cold shoulder just for playing a little grab ass. Known to be a rather randy man, Limbaugh doesn’t let his love of Jesus override innocuous hand-to-todger horseplay. Real Christian men, like Limbaugh, know the difference between locker room jocularity and full-blown 'faggotry'. It’s liberalism's perverse ideology that has ruined steamy bonding between naked white millionaires. Because time-honored mores have been polluted, an inadvertent, near-sighted peter-pull invariably leads to an awkward apology and strange reminiscence about the good old days of roped soap.
Compounding Rush’s on-air lapse of judgment is his declaration to flee the U.S. if HCR becomes a reality. On record preferring New Zealand as his Elba-of-choice, the beloved conservative icon has apparently changed his mind, and is now threatening Costa Rica with his presence.
New Zealand is a beautiful country. A friend of mine lived there for several years and returns whenever his wife will let him. Unfortunately, New Zealand is a poor sex tourist destination -- unless the traveler has a thing for sheep. Although lacking in sheep, Costa Rica does have socialized medicine -- and has for some time. I guess this is why Limbaugh back-pedaled this afternoon, and slurred that he never intended to live in Costa Rica, only hang around until his Viagra was gone or he ran afoul of honest vice cops .
Monday, March 8, 2010
Vault Residue
I found this old posting left over after my eleven day stint as political contributor for Out magazine.
__________________________________________
Surprised by the display of diversity at the Republican National Convention -- some delegates wore red cowboy hats, some did not -- the sparse crowd provided evidence that the offspring of Reagan’s Revolution are indeed a colorful lot: Florida’s tanned delegation displayed just enough patina to avoid unfair comparisons with Big and Rich fans. I’m assuming the giant, digitized American flag waving behind the stage was a reminder that Minnesota is part of the United States. The Mississippi contingent breathed a sigh of relief. Unsure if their folding money was accepted in St. Paul, they chanted “USA!” in celebration after being assured that no confusing currency exchange rate would create nervous uncertainty when paying their bar tabs.
It was disappointing that President Bush couldn’t personally address the convention. Still preoccupied with Hurricane Gustav‘s wet, wind-blown aftermath, he had barely enough time to phone-in a nine minute howdy-do. Vice President Cheney is rumored to be war mongering abroad, which explains his absence from the festivities. Fred Thompson was a pleasant surprise. Reading the speech that Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to give, I thought he provided hammy “Petticoat Junction” ambience Arnold has trouble pulling off. Arnold is a gifted actor but I’m not sure if Uncle Joe is in his repertoire. Reminding viewers of yet another reason to embrace Sarah Palin because she can “field dress a moose”, Fred’s observation cleverly put to rest unease about her resume. I’m sure this endearing skill will come in handy when debating Senator Biden in St. Louis.
Speaking of Uncle Joe, Senator Liebermann was in fine form. Although the Alabama delegation wasn’t sure when to grunt “USA!” and when to boo, his appeal to neoconservative Democrats is worth literally a handful of votes for the McCain-Palin ticket. Juxtaposing McCain’s salty unpredictability with Obama’s youthful equanimity went a long way in wresting the “change” mantel away from the flashy upstart. I’m guessing someone possessing McCain’s preternatural ability to pretend he’s never flip-flopped on every major issue is an essential character requirement for restoring honor and integrity back to Washington; but I’m not sure if Washington’s lack of honor and integrity is the fault of the new Congressional majority or the Bush Administration. Perhaps this disconnect explains why the President’s address was eight minutes and fifty seconds longer than the McCain campaign requested.
Strange that the word ’torture’ was never used when the headliners hinted McCain was once ill-treated by the Cong.
Revved and ready for round VIII of the Culture Wars, I’m looking forward to Governor Palin’s oratory. Adler hopes she can do rope tricks that appear authentic and not awkward "Annie Get Your Gun" imitations. We have a five dollar bet riding on her theme song. I say it’s “I Can’t Say No” from "Oklahoma"; Adler is placing his money on Heart’s “Barracuda”.
__________________________________________
Surprised by the display of diversity at the Republican National Convention -- some delegates wore red cowboy hats, some did not -- the sparse crowd provided evidence that the offspring of Reagan’s Revolution are indeed a colorful lot: Florida’s tanned delegation displayed just enough patina to avoid unfair comparisons with Big and Rich fans. I’m assuming the giant, digitized American flag waving behind the stage was a reminder that Minnesota is part of the United States. The Mississippi contingent breathed a sigh of relief. Unsure if their folding money was accepted in St. Paul, they chanted “USA!” in celebration after being assured that no confusing currency exchange rate would create nervous uncertainty when paying their bar tabs.
It was disappointing that President Bush couldn’t personally address the convention. Still preoccupied with Hurricane Gustav‘s wet, wind-blown aftermath, he had barely enough time to phone-in a nine minute howdy-do. Vice President Cheney is rumored to be war mongering abroad, which explains his absence from the festivities. Fred Thompson was a pleasant surprise. Reading the speech that Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to give, I thought he provided hammy “Petticoat Junction” ambience Arnold has trouble pulling off. Arnold is a gifted actor but I’m not sure if Uncle Joe is in his repertoire. Reminding viewers of yet another reason to embrace Sarah Palin because she can “field dress a moose”, Fred’s observation cleverly put to rest unease about her resume. I’m sure this endearing skill will come in handy when debating Senator Biden in St. Louis.
Speaking of Uncle Joe, Senator Liebermann was in fine form. Although the Alabama delegation wasn’t sure when to grunt “USA!” and when to boo, his appeal to neoconservative Democrats is worth literally a handful of votes for the McCain-Palin ticket. Juxtaposing McCain’s salty unpredictability with Obama’s youthful equanimity went a long way in wresting the “change” mantel away from the flashy upstart. I’m guessing someone possessing McCain’s preternatural ability to pretend he’s never flip-flopped on every major issue is an essential character requirement for restoring honor and integrity back to Washington; but I’m not sure if Washington’s lack of honor and integrity is the fault of the new Congressional majority or the Bush Administration. Perhaps this disconnect explains why the President’s address was eight minutes and fifty seconds longer than the McCain campaign requested.
Strange that the word ’torture’ was never used when the headliners hinted McCain was once ill-treated by the Cong.
Revved and ready for round VIII of the Culture Wars, I’m looking forward to Governor Palin’s oratory. Adler hopes she can do rope tricks that appear authentic and not awkward "Annie Get Your Gun" imitations. We have a five dollar bet riding on her theme song. I say it’s “I Can’t Say No” from "Oklahoma"; Adler is placing his money on Heart’s “Barracuda”.
Shrouds
The Heritage Foundation’s amnesia primer for post-Bush conservatives: Forget the fact that reconciliation has been used 22 times since 1980; forget the fact that Republicans have facilitated the legislative maneuver 17 of those; erase all memory that the “nuclear option” extended the 2006 tax holiday for the wealthy.
Rinse and repeat until uncontrollable drooling seeps evenly from both sides of mouth.
Republicans find reconciliation an abhorrent perversion only when wielded by a Democratic majority. Or perhaps reconciliation is deemed a legitimate exercise if the legislation in question has been thoroughly vetted by Glenn Beck. Glenn, an expert on George Washington’s opinions about 21st century America, is the go-to guy for those who can’t converse with dead people. Senator Jim DeMint doesn’t have Glenn’s “gift”. He must resort to crude historical revisionism when declaring reconciliation an affront to the late General and his deceased contemporaries. As to which General DeMint has in mind when lashing out at simple majority rule remains an open question. Well known for his flighty Confederate sensibilities, there is solid evidence to believe DeMint’s General is Lee.
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LOCAL EDITORIAL
By Hansen B. Babbitt, Jr.
_________________________________
One out of every three Muslims killed by missiles fired from U.S. drones in Afghanistan isn’t an evil-doer. At first blush I found this number appalling. But after brief reflection, I decided the ratio could be worse. Defeating Terror is messy business: accidentally ruining Afshan’s wedding day just because an errant bomb lands on loved ones is her bad for being in the wrong place and the wrong time -- like me at my first wedding. Although no one was ripped apart or vaporized, a very unhappy violin player’s delicate instrument suffered serious moisture damage after incidental contact with airborne booze.
Horror, like beauty, is the eye (or fret) of the beholder.
Should three out of three goat herders suffer collateral damage, we born-again fiscal conservatives will spray our poseur-flavored spittle all over the criminal misuse of taxpayer dollars.
To further pound home my mastery of common sense, I know that extending unemployment benefits is an outrage. Public money finding its way into the pockets of lazy deadbeats is anathema to the principles of Adam Smith’s free-market. Doling out cash to corporations is, however, an acceptable way to ensure campaign contributions flow into the right coffers; greasing the wheels of freedom and God’s invisible palm is the only way to ensure my offspring will avoid a diet of dirt burritos.
Killing idle Muslims who aren’t ‘jihading’ is wasteful spending. It dishonors the unfunded war against Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction.
Don’t get me started on labor unions, monkeys or footballs. Liberals fail to "get" my "cub bear playing with pecker" lunge at satire.
There, I’ve glued that sucker shut. It's time for cookies and a smoke.
Rinse and repeat until uncontrollable drooling seeps evenly from both sides of mouth.
Republicans find reconciliation an abhorrent perversion only when wielded by a Democratic majority. Or perhaps reconciliation is deemed a legitimate exercise if the legislation in question has been thoroughly vetted by Glenn Beck. Glenn, an expert on George Washington’s opinions about 21st century America, is the go-to guy for those who can’t converse with dead people. Senator Jim DeMint doesn’t have Glenn’s “gift”. He must resort to crude historical revisionism when declaring reconciliation an affront to the late General and his deceased contemporaries. As to which General DeMint has in mind when lashing out at simple majority rule remains an open question. Well known for his flighty Confederate sensibilities, there is solid evidence to believe DeMint’s General is Lee.
_________________________________
LOCAL EDITORIAL
By Hansen B. Babbitt, Jr.
_________________________________
One out of every three Muslims killed by missiles fired from U.S. drones in Afghanistan isn’t an evil-doer. At first blush I found this number appalling. But after brief reflection, I decided the ratio could be worse. Defeating Terror is messy business: accidentally ruining Afshan’s wedding day just because an errant bomb lands on loved ones is her bad for being in the wrong place and the wrong time -- like me at my first wedding. Although no one was ripped apart or vaporized, a very unhappy violin player’s delicate instrument suffered serious moisture damage after incidental contact with airborne booze.
Horror, like beauty, is the eye (or fret) of the beholder.
Should three out of three goat herders suffer collateral damage, we born-again fiscal conservatives will spray our poseur-flavored spittle all over the criminal misuse of taxpayer dollars.
To further pound home my mastery of common sense, I know that extending unemployment benefits is an outrage. Public money finding its way into the pockets of lazy deadbeats is anathema to the principles of Adam Smith’s free-market. Doling out cash to corporations is, however, an acceptable way to ensure campaign contributions flow into the right coffers; greasing the wheels of freedom and God’s invisible palm is the only way to ensure my offspring will avoid a diet of dirt burritos.
Killing idle Muslims who aren’t ‘jihading’ is wasteful spending. It dishonors the unfunded war against Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction.
Don’t get me started on labor unions, monkeys or footballs. Liberals fail to "get" my "cub bear playing with pecker" lunge at satire.
There, I’ve glued that sucker shut. It's time for cookies and a smoke.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Dance of the Potty in D minor
Senator Jim Bunning (R-Shutter Island) is having quite a week. Jimbo really put the hurt on unemployed goldbrickers and Medicare reimbursement checks. I liked his thoughtful response when asked if he was concerned about the half million or so citizens adversely impacted by such principled devotion to civic duty. His reply was so good it should be the GOP’s 2010 campaign theme: “I Don’t Give a Shit”. The word “shit” conveys passion -- much better than poop or dung -- among the adenocarcinoma of American ‘exceptionalism’.
______________________
Harold Ford II, the former Tennessee Congressman and current stay-at-home Merrill Lynch executive, has withdrawn his New York senatorial bid. Empire State progressives are roiling in tear soaked despair. Reactions from Greenwich Village are mixed as to recent developments detailing the depths of Gov. David Paterson’s idiocy. Rumors are that SNL’s Fred Armisen is ecstatic. It just goes to show that one person’s turd sandwich is another’s Quarter Pounder with cheese.
_______________________
Senator John McCain (R-Attends) has stumbled from age-related senility into full blown subcordical dementia. Perhaps David Gregory (tallest member of the Karl Rove Dancers) will conclude that McCain’s run as permanent guest host is a drag on advertising revenues. Not even a talent like J. Fred Muggs could protect Dave Garroway from television land’s fickle attention span. Now that Jim Traficant is out of prison and seeking to revive his political fortunes, Gregory should ask the morally ambivalent ex-con to replace McCain -- assuming Michele Bachmann (R-Seussville) wants to keep her starring role as Debbie Jellinksky in Kevin Smith’s new stage production of “The Addams Family”. (Pat Caddell is simply stirring as Uncle Fester).
_______________________
J. D. Hayworth (R-Bedrock), the bumptious former Congressman and Kid Rawhide’s stunt double, has decided that placating Arizona’s unknown contingent of ‘birthers’ isn’t worth the effort. J.D.’s handlers probably concluded that mob appearances with Orly Taitz might cool the jets of voters who breathe through their nose. Then again, the large-browed ex-shock jock could be fearful McCain’s psychiatric nurses will force him to show proof that he’s not a Neanderthal -- even though there is nothing in the Constitution that prohibits Neanderthals from holding public office or firearms.
________________________
The more things change…
Once upon a time I referred to hitting the head as “taking a Nixon”. Years later Nixon was replaced with Newt. I’m still quite fond of approximating Newts’ true essence when flushing doody down the crapper. However, after due deliberation, I’m retiring Newt for another well deserving piece of fecal matter.
If you’ll excuse me, I have to take a big Stupak.
______________________
Harold Ford II, the former Tennessee Congressman and current stay-at-home Merrill Lynch executive, has withdrawn his New York senatorial bid. Empire State progressives are roiling in tear soaked despair. Reactions from Greenwich Village are mixed as to recent developments detailing the depths of Gov. David Paterson’s idiocy. Rumors are that SNL’s Fred Armisen is ecstatic. It just goes to show that one person’s turd sandwich is another’s Quarter Pounder with cheese.
_______________________
Senator John McCain (R-Attends) has stumbled from age-related senility into full blown subcordical dementia. Perhaps David Gregory (tallest member of the Karl Rove Dancers) will conclude that McCain’s run as permanent guest host is a drag on advertising revenues. Not even a talent like J. Fred Muggs could protect Dave Garroway from television land’s fickle attention span. Now that Jim Traficant is out of prison and seeking to revive his political fortunes, Gregory should ask the morally ambivalent ex-con to replace McCain -- assuming Michele Bachmann (R-Seussville) wants to keep her starring role as Debbie Jellinksky in Kevin Smith’s new stage production of “The Addams Family”. (Pat Caddell is simply stirring as Uncle Fester).
_______________________
J. D. Hayworth (R-Bedrock), the bumptious former Congressman and Kid Rawhide’s stunt double, has decided that placating Arizona’s unknown contingent of ‘birthers’ isn’t worth the effort. J.D.’s handlers probably concluded that mob appearances with Orly Taitz might cool the jets of voters who breathe through their nose. Then again, the large-browed ex-shock jock could be fearful McCain’s psychiatric nurses will force him to show proof that he’s not a Neanderthal -- even though there is nothing in the Constitution that prohibits Neanderthals from holding public office or firearms.
________________________
The more things change…
Once upon a time I referred to hitting the head as “taking a Nixon”. Years later Nixon was replaced with Newt. I’m still quite fond of approximating Newts’ true essence when flushing doody down the crapper. However, after due deliberation, I’m retiring Newt for another well deserving piece of fecal matter.
If you’ll excuse me, I have to take a big Stupak.
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