Anson Burlingame’s use of Justice Scalia to finger paint ethical and legal ambiguities regarding what defines torture is a major league cop out. Scalia has often referenced fictional television character Jack Bauer when pressed to provide cover for the Bush-Cheney Administration’s lawless disregard for long standing protocol concerning the treatment of incarcerated individuals, whether detained by domestic law enforcement personnel or captured on the battlefield. Pretending there are no guidelines that clearly define what is and what is not torture plops into the bezonian horse shit corral. If Scalia cited Dr House’s addiction to pain killers as the casus belli for insisting that all sarcastic physicians undergo mandatory drug testing before treating patients, I assume Anson would find the Justice’s unnerving disconnect applicable when opining about his jarring experience with a caustic urologist. Personally, I’m fond of appropriating the ‘Jethro Bodine’ scenario, especially if engaged in serious conversation about the security threats inherent when cross-dressing hillbillies are allowed to impersonate Army officers and/or drive tanks down public streets.
It’s not like there are no precedents that clearly spell out codes of conduct:
United States Bill of Rights (1789) Article Eight
Universal Declaration of Human Rights (1948) Article Five
Geneva Conventions (1949) Article 99. Third Convention
American Convention on Human Rights (1969)
UN Minimum Standards for the Treatment of Prisoners (1957) Rule 31
UN Declaration on the Protection of All Persons from Torture and other Cruel,
Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment (1975)*
____________________________________________
*”No state may permit or tolerate torture…Exceptional circumstances such as a state of war…
Or any other public emergency may not be invoked as a justification of torture or other cruel inhumane or degrading treatment or punishment”.
____________________________________________
Going after the grunts who followed orders and tortured captured “enemy non-combatants” has all the elements of a show trial: God forbid the suits that created the insidious framework should be held accountable. How could Chris Wallace do his job as a journalist if Dick Cheney wasn’t around to remind all the Little Bo Peeps that committing war crimes kept their sheep safe? Of course, there is no proof that torture and murder deterred another 9-11 from occurring -- not that it matters to rock-ribbed conservatives.
I guess some think its okay to torture… just to be on the safe side. And it’s not like we torture native Christians who murder abortion doctors in cold blood. That would be wrong.
Juan Don
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Rainbows are for socialists
Duane Graham’s quicker reflexes beat me to the punch line. I’m left wondering who Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins thinks has the palest stones to enter the ring. Because I’ve been drinking, distracting yet another hangover, Chuck Norris is my choice to KO the reigning champ. Putting the sexy back into dyed facial hair, Walker’s the karate-chopping orangutan to Joe the Plumber’s shaved marmoset. What frumpy patriot lugging grammatically-challenged cardboard can resist Chuck’s orange chest hair? An effulgent forest of Day-Glo Liberty Trees, his pelt can spark spontaneous “Remember the Alamo!” squeals and sporadic bursts of gunfire. I’ve always thought psychedelic orange a patriotic color. Alas, freakishly bright orange pants on Caucasian men of prostate trouble age rarely grace the average tea bagging scene. Too bad men in Wal-Mart cargo shorts aren’t blessed with John Putnam’s acute fashion sense. (If I’m not mistaken, he’s fond of the bold bare ankle look during warmer weather, switching to sensible knee-high waders after the first hard freeze. To give credit where credit is due, I tell prospective employers that wearing plastic thongs with tube socks is my small attempt to show support for Putnam’s crusade against environmentally unsound lap dances. I find this testimonial breaks the ice before inquiring about drug testing policies).
One thing is certain: Michael Steele and the preternaturally tanned John Boehner would need expensive dermatological treatment to qualify as “great white hopes”. My guess is that Lynn’s McDreamy is cooling his heels in Idaho.
Juan Don
One thing is certain: Michael Steele and the preternaturally tanned John Boehner would need expensive dermatological treatment to qualify as “great white hopes”. My guess is that Lynn’s McDreamy is cooling his heels in Idaho.
Juan Don
Saturday, August 22, 2009
full of mist and vapor
Anson Burlingame cracks me up. By design or personal initiative, he has become the Globe’s online multifaceted sprinkler system. His fertile spray reaches every corner of the cyber-garden. No opinion is denied a squirt from his omnipotent nozzle. Should the paper decide to include a blog about dog grooming, Anson’s hose will eventually douse Shear Tails with insightful droplets, moisturizing canine nail trimming tips with comments about his harrowing misadventure with Joker, the left-leaning Filipino chiropodist.
I’m just kidding; if Anson wants to reprise the role of Falstaff, so be it. But when he takes issue with opinions that favor the public option playing a role in health-care, I have a bone to pick with the right-leaning ex-submariner.
First of all, Anson’s income and health-care is taxpayer subsidized. Unless his political aversion to socialism has caused him to renounce inflation-adjusted US Treasury checks and free medical care, echoing Republican talking points demonizing “Big Government” is pure hypocrisy. Of course, Anson would cry foul when labeling his perks as socialism-in-action. He has earned his retirement benefits, via military service; placing his iron rice bowl in with the thirty percent of Americans already receiving government provided health-care is an apples and oranges scenario: A few, like Anson, deserve their subsidized ride, while the rest fall into the ‘un-American’ welfare queen category.
Let’s assume that instead of working on a submarine Anson worked for the Submarine Sandwich Company. After twenty-odd years of faithful service, he becomes the victim of corporate downsizing. To make the scenario dicier, let’s say that his 401-K investment lost fifty percent of its value in the past year. To really rub salt in the wound, Anson’s wife is suffering from a chronic illness that requires expensive medication. Because losing your job means losing employer provided health-care, the $500 dollar per month pharmacy bill is now an out-of-pocket expense. Anson, fifty-something and unemployed, is hard-pressed to find a job in the Joplin area that comes close to matching his previous salary. He takes the tax hit and cashes out what’s left of his 401-K. Putting pencil to paper, he figures that he has maybe two years to pay his monthly bills, plus the $700 dollars for COBRA, before facing a very uncertain future. Luckily for retired naval officer Anson, he’ll avoid this all too common quandary thanks to that terrible monstrosity known as the federal government.
.
Yep, it must be fun to champion the righteousness of free market capitalism when sucking off the public teat. Anson never has to worry about Emerson’s hobgoblins when pressing thumbs to keyboard. His blog needs an updated title. I suggest, Do as I Say, Not as I Do.
I assume from what local conservatives espouse, hard luck stories are self-inflicted wounds. Like automatons, they repeat back everything Rush bellows as gospel truth. Eagerly swallowing blatant lies manufactured by insurance company shills, Burlingame & Friends revert back to championing fiscal responsibility only after their party is out of power. To be lectured by such ethically challenged frauds on the ’true’ intent of The Constitution is beyond insufferable.
I guess America will finally become a Marxist Utopia when everyone gets the green check in the mail: I don’t know, do you?
Juan Don
I’m just kidding; if Anson wants to reprise the role of Falstaff, so be it. But when he takes issue with opinions that favor the public option playing a role in health-care, I have a bone to pick with the right-leaning ex-submariner.
First of all, Anson’s income and health-care is taxpayer subsidized. Unless his political aversion to socialism has caused him to renounce inflation-adjusted US Treasury checks and free medical care, echoing Republican talking points demonizing “Big Government” is pure hypocrisy. Of course, Anson would cry foul when labeling his perks as socialism-in-action. He has earned his retirement benefits, via military service; placing his iron rice bowl in with the thirty percent of Americans already receiving government provided health-care is an apples and oranges scenario: A few, like Anson, deserve their subsidized ride, while the rest fall into the ‘un-American’ welfare queen category.
Let’s assume that instead of working on a submarine Anson worked for the Submarine Sandwich Company. After twenty-odd years of faithful service, he becomes the victim of corporate downsizing. To make the scenario dicier, let’s say that his 401-K investment lost fifty percent of its value in the past year. To really rub salt in the wound, Anson’s wife is suffering from a chronic illness that requires expensive medication. Because losing your job means losing employer provided health-care, the $500 dollar per month pharmacy bill is now an out-of-pocket expense. Anson, fifty-something and unemployed, is hard-pressed to find a job in the Joplin area that comes close to matching his previous salary. He takes the tax hit and cashes out what’s left of his 401-K. Putting pencil to paper, he figures that he has maybe two years to pay his monthly bills, plus the $700 dollars for COBRA, before facing a very uncertain future. Luckily for retired naval officer Anson, he’ll avoid this all too common quandary thanks to that terrible monstrosity known as the federal government.
.
Yep, it must be fun to champion the righteousness of free market capitalism when sucking off the public teat. Anson never has to worry about Emerson’s hobgoblins when pressing thumbs to keyboard. His blog needs an updated title. I suggest, Do as I Say, Not as I Do.
I assume from what local conservatives espouse, hard luck stories are self-inflicted wounds. Like automatons, they repeat back everything Rush bellows as gospel truth. Eagerly swallowing blatant lies manufactured by insurance company shills, Burlingame & Friends revert back to championing fiscal responsibility only after their party is out of power. To be lectured by such ethically challenged frauds on the ’true’ intent of The Constitution is beyond insufferable.
I guess America will finally become a Marxist Utopia when everyone gets the green check in the mail: I don’t know, do you?
Juan Don
Monday, August 17, 2009
Part 1.5: This Backside of Paradise
Adler says I’m beating Trigger when musing about AM talk radio’s disingenuous intrusion into issues of grave importance. His point is taken. Instead of harping on the obvious, he recommends asking this question: Why do journalists replant their straw men on turf that was once reserved for reasoned analysis? That is the 64,000 peso question. I don’t think I’m goosing hyperbole to say that forty years ago Brother Theodore would have sued Glenn Beck for plagiarism, and yet Beck’s hillbilly homage to macabre performance art has seeped into what should be serious conversations about how best to deliver affordable, inclusive health-care. It does seem strange that Hitler’s ghost is haunting town hall shout-ins. Who knew that Obama’s hidden agenda included the murder of ailing seniors and babies with Down syndrome? No wonder theocrats are packing heat. Although Thomas Jefferson is dead and unable to join Dick Armey’s guerrilla war against tyranny, I gather that assault rifle enthusiasts believe the very late Virginian would join them in screaming “Death before universal health-care!”; nothing says “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” like faceless private insurance bureaucrats denying coverage because of a pre-existing condition. I’m tempted to call Blue Cross of Siciliy and demand that they extort more money from my offshore account: If paying an extra thousand bucks will stop the Black Panther strain of National Socialism from building tiny electric cars, count me in.
Who over the age of 50 doesn’t have a pre-existing condition? Years of extreme Table Rock tubing has turned my body into knots of gnarly cartilage. The few working internal organs I have left are what Dr. Benway calls “museum pieces”. Stretching the grape’s cardiovascular benefits way out of proportion, my liver is currently overseas…traveling with a French passport. Alas, a playful slap on the butt would send me to John McCain’s version of universal health-care -- otherwise known as the emergency room. Did I mention that my bad cholesterol is batting .329?
Because of head injuries suffered during family reunions, I’ve lost my tricycle of thought. When this happens, I assume a secret identity and fling comments to the Globe’s online landfill. Risking impertinence, I think Little Bo Peep has lost more than sheep. Man, that Dr. John Cox has some nerve to insert facts into his op-ed! Since when are physicians allowed to opine about health-care? I thought Allen Shirley was the official expert, trudging up from his basement/laboratory every now and then to sell provincials the straight dope. If the paper’s not careful, a real economist could accidentally expose the dated sentimentality that drips through Richard LaNear’s macro-fiction. It simply won’t do to have scattered bits of substance ruin Joe Schmoe’s four hour morning constitutional. Subscribers aren’t cool with reporters asking ‘gotcha’ questions. We wouldn’t want Roy Blunt admitting that older Canadians do have access to hip replacement surgery. The socialists at The St. Louis Post-Dispatch crossed the line and researched Blunt’s claim, forcing the perennial politician to apologize and promise never to repeat the lie north of Nixa. The Post-Dispatch staff needs to take a cue from southwest Missouri journalism and limit their queries to Blunt’s eye brow grooming techniques.
____________________
I’ve enjoyed Duane Graham and Jessica Schreindl's conversation concerning the nuances between libertarians and garden-variety Republicans. My advice to young libertarians with a crush on Ron Paul is this: Put down “Atlas Shrugged” and slowly back away.
Juan Don
.
Who over the age of 50 doesn’t have a pre-existing condition? Years of extreme Table Rock tubing has turned my body into knots of gnarly cartilage. The few working internal organs I have left are what Dr. Benway calls “museum pieces”. Stretching the grape’s cardiovascular benefits way out of proportion, my liver is currently overseas…traveling with a French passport. Alas, a playful slap on the butt would send me to John McCain’s version of universal health-care -- otherwise known as the emergency room. Did I mention that my bad cholesterol is batting .329?
Because of head injuries suffered during family reunions, I’ve lost my tricycle of thought. When this happens, I assume a secret identity and fling comments to the Globe’s online landfill. Risking impertinence, I think Little Bo Peep has lost more than sheep. Man, that Dr. John Cox has some nerve to insert facts into his op-ed! Since when are physicians allowed to opine about health-care? I thought Allen Shirley was the official expert, trudging up from his basement/laboratory every now and then to sell provincials the straight dope. If the paper’s not careful, a real economist could accidentally expose the dated sentimentality that drips through Richard LaNear’s macro-fiction. It simply won’t do to have scattered bits of substance ruin Joe Schmoe’s four hour morning constitutional. Subscribers aren’t cool with reporters asking ‘gotcha’ questions. We wouldn’t want Roy Blunt admitting that older Canadians do have access to hip replacement surgery. The socialists at The St. Louis Post-Dispatch crossed the line and researched Blunt’s claim, forcing the perennial politician to apologize and promise never to repeat the lie north of Nixa. The Post-Dispatch staff needs to take a cue from southwest Missouri journalism and limit their queries to Blunt’s eye brow grooming techniques.
____________________
I’ve enjoyed Duane Graham and Jessica Schreindl's conversation concerning the nuances between libertarians and garden-variety Republicans. My advice to young libertarians with a crush on Ron Paul is this: Put down “Atlas Shrugged” and slowly back away.
Juan Don
.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
part one: paradise lost
There’s no doubt that the current conservative talk radio format would cease to exist if for every hour of Limbaugh or Beck or Hannity or Levine or Gibson or Thompson or Ingraham or Savage or Miller, etc., the station had to allow opposing voices equal time: Twenty minutes of Beck alone would generate an entire week’s worth of rebuttal material. The packaged syndication deals would soon collapse if rank amateurs were allowed the use of ex-public airwaves to exercise their First Amendment right.
Make no mistake, the conservative talk radio heavyweights are nervous; their gravy train will derail if the Fairness Doctrine is reinstated. The elimination of the FCC rule that required stations provide free airtime to controversial opinions opened the door wide open for ideologically driven propagandists to ply their trade. It’s no accident that Limbaugh was routinely fired before finding safe haven in Sacramento, where he honed his anti-liberal shtick before going national in 1988. Freed from accountability, Limbaugh was the first to exploit the potential of launching unchallenged attacks on political opponents. Pretending that the Fairness Doctrine was a liberal conspiracy designed to keep conservatives silent, Limbaugh and his ilk continue to complain that the so-called mainstream media (everything but right-wing radio and Fox News) is in the tank for liberal elites. Of course, the rash of hard right monologists, dominating what were once regulated airwaves, offer nothing but the unvarnished truth to rural, mostly under-educated whites. Like the John Birch version of Radio Free Europe, they keep the cross of ‘American Exceptionalism’ burning behind enemy lines, ever vigilant for signs of cultural diversity and godless communists guised as the ‘Democrat ’ Party.
Bill Clinton’s impeachment circus not withstanding, the high water mark for the right-wing media monolith was reached in the months after 9-11. The genuine fear and paranoia that gripped the nation was tailor made for talk radio to exploit. Long standing civil liberties were quickly dismissed as dangerous impediments to defeating Islamic Terror. The Constitution, the sacred document Limbaugh & Gang claim to venerate, was presented to President Bush as his personal property. Elevating the commander-in-chief to unprecedented heights, the liberty-loving patriots found no irony in granting Bush dictatorial powers. Imagine Beck’s hysteria should President Obama issue a signing statement giving him the authority to arrest and indefinitely detain any American citizen he thought posed a threat to national security? Although it’s hard to believe, none of the freedom-obsessed broadcasting specialists were alarmed by the suspension of habeas corpus, nor were they incensed when Saddam Hussein’s arsenal of WMD failed to materialize. Once again, imagine the shrieks of outrage if a ’Democrat’ president had ordered troops into combat based on such faulty intelligence? Did Beck weep?
Did Hannity demand impeachment? And who knew that oral sex trumps unnecessary death and destruction as a high crime and misdemeanor in the mind of Long Island’s ‘Greatest American’’?
It’s safe to say that the AM genre has taken situational ethics into dark grottos never probed by Dostoevsky.
Because it’s late and I have to discipline our not-so-beloved squirrel monkey, I’ll get to health care v talk radio tomorrow.
Juan Don
Make no mistake, the conservative talk radio heavyweights are nervous; their gravy train will derail if the Fairness Doctrine is reinstated. The elimination of the FCC rule that required stations provide free airtime to controversial opinions opened the door wide open for ideologically driven propagandists to ply their trade. It’s no accident that Limbaugh was routinely fired before finding safe haven in Sacramento, where he honed his anti-liberal shtick before going national in 1988. Freed from accountability, Limbaugh was the first to exploit the potential of launching unchallenged attacks on political opponents. Pretending that the Fairness Doctrine was a liberal conspiracy designed to keep conservatives silent, Limbaugh and his ilk continue to complain that the so-called mainstream media (everything but right-wing radio and Fox News) is in the tank for liberal elites. Of course, the rash of hard right monologists, dominating what were once regulated airwaves, offer nothing but the unvarnished truth to rural, mostly under-educated whites. Like the John Birch version of Radio Free Europe, they keep the cross of ‘American Exceptionalism’ burning behind enemy lines, ever vigilant for signs of cultural diversity and godless communists guised as the ‘Democrat ’ Party.
Bill Clinton’s impeachment circus not withstanding, the high water mark for the right-wing media monolith was reached in the months after 9-11. The genuine fear and paranoia that gripped the nation was tailor made for talk radio to exploit. Long standing civil liberties were quickly dismissed as dangerous impediments to defeating Islamic Terror. The Constitution, the sacred document Limbaugh & Gang claim to venerate, was presented to President Bush as his personal property. Elevating the commander-in-chief to unprecedented heights, the liberty-loving patriots found no irony in granting Bush dictatorial powers. Imagine Beck’s hysteria should President Obama issue a signing statement giving him the authority to arrest and indefinitely detain any American citizen he thought posed a threat to national security? Although it’s hard to believe, none of the freedom-obsessed broadcasting specialists were alarmed by the suspension of habeas corpus, nor were they incensed when Saddam Hussein’s arsenal of WMD failed to materialize. Once again, imagine the shrieks of outrage if a ’Democrat’ president had ordered troops into combat based on such faulty intelligence? Did Beck weep?
Did Hannity demand impeachment? And who knew that oral sex trumps unnecessary death and destruction as a high crime and misdemeanor in the mind of Long Island’s ‘Greatest American’’?
It’s safe to say that the AM genre has taken situational ethics into dark grottos never probed by Dostoevsky.
Because it’s late and I have to discipline our not-so-beloved squirrel monkey, I’ll get to health care v talk radio tomorrow.
Juan Don
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Coddy Sill
Kenneth the Uninsured update: Kenneth Gladney, the 38 year old affordable health care protester brutally stomped by union thugs , does have insurance. Although unemployed, Gladney is on his wife’s policy. In another strange twist, the wheel chair bound patriot came to the “rally” with his lawyer. Thus far, Kenneth the Insured has raised over $1,000 dollars in donations to help pay for his undetermined injuries -- or the upgrade of his home entertainment system.
Currently in the middle of starting a new government with three drinking buddies, I’m short on time. After we figure out a name for our libertarian Utopia and, most importantly, who gets to wear the official bath robe, I’ll expound on our break from Obama's tyranny.
Juan Don
Currently in the middle of starting a new government with three drinking buddies, I’m short on time. After we figure out a name for our libertarian Utopia and, most importantly, who gets to wear the official bath robe, I’ll expound on our break from Obama's tyranny.
Juan Don
Monday, August 10, 2009
prejudgment: it's catching on!
The New Majority, David Frum’s attempt to wrest conservatism from the flapping jaws of talk radio, is on my occasional reading list. Frum, former Bush II speechwriter and author of the infamous “Axis of Evil” speech, is unhappy Limbaugh has become the Republican Party‘s titular head. Frum's afraid that overwrought mobs replacing hallowed corporate boardrooms will taint the spirit of true conservatism. Offering non-tobacco chewers uncomfortable with armed rabble an outlet to salvage what’s left of Reagan’s Shining City, Frum is facing a daunting task. Judging from the comments (similar in tenor to the Globe’s online hecklers), he’ll be lucky to escape with his Blackberry before real Americans chase him back to Canadian socialism. Tempted to offer Frum encouragement, I’d rather inspire Fred Thompson to rise from the recliner and reclaim his rightful place as America’s laconic Crockett. Okay, I’m just dying to wear my coonskin cap. The cap and authentic Peter Tork fringe jacket is a dashing ensemble, especially if limping about in a pair of beaded Petro moccasins.
________________
I see where someone from Sarah Palin’s staff updated her Face Book account with a plea for civil discourse -- this after she panted about Obama’s ghoulish intentions to murder baby Trigg. It was asking a lot for Sarah to contribute sensible input regarding the health care debate without first committing an act of political burlesque. Obviously, she has access to people who can write a complete sentence. The danger of hiring a Face Book ghostwriter is alienating her adoring cult. Suspicions will arise should the ghostwriter accidentally mention recently read newspapers.
_________________
Kenneth Gladney, a young tea bagger protesting government funded health care, was shoved by an SEIU thug, and is asking for your help. Because Gladney was recently laid off from work, he has no health insurance. A man of principle, he would rather solicit funds from complete strangers rather than take one single cent from Obamacare. Hiring a trial lawyer, Gladney is suing the union goon for committing a hate crime. Because both accused and accuser are black, this falls under the double reverse discrimination clause. Although video shows Gladney suffering from no ill-effects after the push, ‘lawyer whiplash’ is well known for its delayed reaction time. Americans United Against Health Care is unsure how to exploit the young man at spontaneous brouhahas. Uncomfortable with Kenneth the Uninsured, Lacy Sheets, former claims denier and current spokesperson for the non-partisan special interest group, is confident that a catchy moniker can be created before the media loses interest.
Juan Don
________________
I see where someone from Sarah Palin’s staff updated her Face Book account with a plea for civil discourse -- this after she panted about Obama’s ghoulish intentions to murder baby Trigg. It was asking a lot for Sarah to contribute sensible input regarding the health care debate without first committing an act of political burlesque. Obviously, she has access to people who can write a complete sentence. The danger of hiring a Face Book ghostwriter is alienating her adoring cult. Suspicions will arise should the ghostwriter accidentally mention recently read newspapers.
_________________
Kenneth Gladney, a young tea bagger protesting government funded health care, was shoved by an SEIU thug, and is asking for your help. Because Gladney was recently laid off from work, he has no health insurance. A man of principle, he would rather solicit funds from complete strangers rather than take one single cent from Obamacare. Hiring a trial lawyer, Gladney is suing the union goon for committing a hate crime. Because both accused and accuser are black, this falls under the double reverse discrimination clause. Although video shows Gladney suffering from no ill-effects after the push, ‘lawyer whiplash’ is well known for its delayed reaction time. Americans United Against Health Care is unsure how to exploit the young man at spontaneous brouhahas. Uncomfortable with Kenneth the Uninsured, Lacy Sheets, former claims denier and current spokesperson for the non-partisan special interest group, is confident that a catchy moniker can be created before the media loses interest.
Juan Don
Friday, August 7, 2009
talent on loan from carbonite
It was a given that Rush Limbaugh and the other 1,348 imitators were going to give Barack Hussein Obama the business. The very notion that somebody named Barack Hussein Obama had a shot at winning the White House was enough to send rich radio blowhards into the kind of wild panic usually associated with flying coach. In six short months, Obama has become the Messiah and the Anti-Christ, with a little Chicago street thug thrown in for added color. My personal favorite is “post-colonial African Marxist dictator”. I know; it’s confusing. I’m sure Dobson didn’t plan on Black Jesus returning in leopard skin sash and pimp hat, handing out copies of “Das Kapital”.
Although I’m not fond of using clichés, Fox Nation has called President Obama everything but a white man. And he has another three and half years left in office. That’s a long time for Glenn Beck to stay on his "Common Sense" suicide watch. (Beck likes to pretend he’s the flip side of MLK, Jr. He may not get to the truck stop with fellow tea baggers, but he can see the flashing neon sign). Mark Levine should have paced his pot boiler with greater care. I’m barely into the third chapter of “Barry’s Death Panel” and the mendacious anti-hero has euthanized Sarah Palin’s baby. What’s planned for the climax, diplomatic relations with Iran?
Foreign Affairs: It was a terrible thing for Bill Clinton to facilitate the release of captured environmentalists. G. Gordon Liddy is livid. I agree: Dealing with the North Koreans is a sign of weakness. Liddy, the toughest ex-con on Wisteria Lane, once bit off both middle fingers because the prison vending machine was out of Twix.
Speaking of National Socialism, Charlie Rose is the perfect candidate to convene a meeting between corporate media tycoons and determine the fine line between real Nazis and dumb, white psychopaths. The slur will soon lose its sting if guidelines for usage aren’t clearly defined. To be fair and balanced, angry affordable health care opponents shouldn’t draw swastikas on their placards when “townhalling” public discussions. Sadly, the original Nazis permanently trashed whatever good vibes ancient Hindus had in mind when they were arranging bent right angles. The tea baggers should stick to old fashioned Know-Nothing mob sensibilities and hang offensive Democrats in effigy.
Cursed with chronic empathy, I’ll cut “The Doctor of Democracy” some slack and stack his bull shitting rant comparing President Obama to Hitler atop an already voluminous pile. The meat head is well known for playing fast and loose with historical accuracy. Like Woody Allen’s Needleman, he may well believe Hitler worked for the gas company. Hell, America’s Anchorman can’t wrap his trussed mind around the fact that it was Mussolini’s Black Shirts who attacked labor unions. Maybe there’s someone at The Heritage Foundation who can walk him through the definition of fascism. Odds are good that he’ll find it appealing.
Juan Don
Although I’m not fond of using clichés, Fox Nation has called President Obama everything but a white man. And he has another three and half years left in office. That’s a long time for Glenn Beck to stay on his "Common Sense" suicide watch. (Beck likes to pretend he’s the flip side of MLK, Jr. He may not get to the truck stop with fellow tea baggers, but he can see the flashing neon sign). Mark Levine should have paced his pot boiler with greater care. I’m barely into the third chapter of “Barry’s Death Panel” and the mendacious anti-hero has euthanized Sarah Palin’s baby. What’s planned for the climax, diplomatic relations with Iran?
Foreign Affairs: It was a terrible thing for Bill Clinton to facilitate the release of captured environmentalists. G. Gordon Liddy is livid. I agree: Dealing with the North Koreans is a sign of weakness. Liddy, the toughest ex-con on Wisteria Lane, once bit off both middle fingers because the prison vending machine was out of Twix.
Speaking of National Socialism, Charlie Rose is the perfect candidate to convene a meeting between corporate media tycoons and determine the fine line between real Nazis and dumb, white psychopaths. The slur will soon lose its sting if guidelines for usage aren’t clearly defined. To be fair and balanced, angry affordable health care opponents shouldn’t draw swastikas on their placards when “townhalling” public discussions. Sadly, the original Nazis permanently trashed whatever good vibes ancient Hindus had in mind when they were arranging bent right angles. The tea baggers should stick to old fashioned Know-Nothing mob sensibilities and hang offensive Democrats in effigy.
Cursed with chronic empathy, I’ll cut “The Doctor of Democracy” some slack and stack his bull shitting rant comparing President Obama to Hitler atop an already voluminous pile. The meat head is well known for playing fast and loose with historical accuracy. Like Woody Allen’s Needleman, he may well believe Hitler worked for the gas company. Hell, America’s Anchorman can’t wrap his trussed mind around the fact that it was Mussolini’s Black Shirts who attacked labor unions. Maybe there’s someone at The Heritage Foundation who can walk him through the definition of fascism. Odds are good that he’ll find it appealing.
Juan Don
Saturday, August 1, 2009
A Whiter Shade of Pale
Although Mr. Yellowman’s French-Italian Waldensian genes produce swarthy skin and facial features common among Milanese street artists, he is classified as a Caucasian. My ancestry is northern European, even though my paternal ancestors were fond of christening male offspring with names like Orlando, Ishmael, Streeter and the occasional Murray. Lucky for me, my father was named in honor of his maternal great-uncle. The original Johnnie Raymond Blackburn survived the Civil War, but was done in by a poorly sawed oak tree five months after Appomattox. Had my mother not dug in her heels, I would have greeted my first grade classmates as Harry Nutt*. Fortunately, I was saved from a life of petty crime thanks to a last minute compromise.
Mr. Yellowman and I are often mistaken for brothers. Sharing the same dusky features and vacant stares, we inadvertently frighten bank tellers when wearing our matching bandoleers. Last week, three patrol cars zoomed into First Star’s parking lot before we could coral the darting loan officer. Forced at gunpoint to produce identification proving our European credentials, the situation relaxed after an observant officer noticed we were pleading in muffled Ozark twang. Admonished for scaring the staff, we were strongly advised to do our banking in less eccentric clothing. Since neither of us want to be squeaky wheels, we agreed to leave our bandoleers in the Ranchero. After due deliberation, we’ve concluded the bandoleer/sombrero combination may explain why simple liquor store transactions often become tense encounters.
Because I have no idea what constitutes white culture, it’s impossible to know when I’m committing a faux pas against Gingrich’s “American Civilization”. Judging from local antipathy about Barack Obama’s election, I assume voting for half-black politicians is as bad as voting for black-black ones. And there must be something about Puerto Rican women serving on the Supreme Court that is anathema to Old Dixie sensibilities. Senator Sessions, who is obviously white, was appalled at the prospect of Sotomayor’s promotion. In fairness, Sessions’ objection may be based on gender issues stemming from psychological trauma suffered at the hands of a discernable Mobile hooker. (Projection does seem to be a common trait shared among the pale Confederate Republican base. It’s unfair to let them have all the fun).
Putting our Cimmerian heads together, Mr. Yellowman and I have created a ten point plan that we hope will allow us to blend in with fellow southwest Missouri Caucasians.
1: Attend Ernte Fest each year, drink fifty beers, and then make a point to pee in public, preferably on somebody’s leg. Unsure if indecent exposure during the chicken dance crosses Bavarian propriety, our best guess is that unleashed Teutonic bratwurst receives mild Lutheran rebuke, while dangling Hispanic chorizo gets tased.
2: Write letters to The Joplin Globe demanding that the Democrat Party leave Medicaid alone because government involvement in health care will kill grandma.
3: Down shots of Old Crow whenever our favorite NASCAR driver is on fire.
4: Assume communism, fascism and socialism are one in the same. Accuse liberals of combining all three into an ACORN funded conspiracy against segregation.
5: Become apoplectic when liberals suggest taxing millionaires; spew ambiguous Bible verse to support torture and homicidal maniacs who murder people in their church.
6: Protest the global warming hoax by pumping an extra five gallons of gas into Kum & Go’s handy trash can.
7: Bowl.
8: Automatically exhibit a knee-jerk reaction against higher education.
9: Gain eighty pounds. Develop class envy against dittoheads issued handicapped license plates without first contracting diabetes.
10: Go Galt by stockpiling machine guns in preparation for Glenn Beck’s tweet confirming Moroni is hanging out around his hot tub.
__________________
*Harry Flynn was Pop’s Navy buddy. Sadly, Harry was gunned down by Osaka vice cops in 1953. Nutt was my great-grandmother’s maiden name.
Juan Don
Mr. Yellowman and I are often mistaken for brothers. Sharing the same dusky features and vacant stares, we inadvertently frighten bank tellers when wearing our matching bandoleers. Last week, three patrol cars zoomed into First Star’s parking lot before we could coral the darting loan officer. Forced at gunpoint to produce identification proving our European credentials, the situation relaxed after an observant officer noticed we were pleading in muffled Ozark twang. Admonished for scaring the staff, we were strongly advised to do our banking in less eccentric clothing. Since neither of us want to be squeaky wheels, we agreed to leave our bandoleers in the Ranchero. After due deliberation, we’ve concluded the bandoleer/sombrero combination may explain why simple liquor store transactions often become tense encounters.
Because I have no idea what constitutes white culture, it’s impossible to know when I’m committing a faux pas against Gingrich’s “American Civilization”. Judging from local antipathy about Barack Obama’s election, I assume voting for half-black politicians is as bad as voting for black-black ones. And there must be something about Puerto Rican women serving on the Supreme Court that is anathema to Old Dixie sensibilities. Senator Sessions, who is obviously white, was appalled at the prospect of Sotomayor’s promotion. In fairness, Sessions’ objection may be based on gender issues stemming from psychological trauma suffered at the hands of a discernable Mobile hooker. (Projection does seem to be a common trait shared among the pale Confederate Republican base. It’s unfair to let them have all the fun).
Putting our Cimmerian heads together, Mr. Yellowman and I have created a ten point plan that we hope will allow us to blend in with fellow southwest Missouri Caucasians.
1: Attend Ernte Fest each year, drink fifty beers, and then make a point to pee in public, preferably on somebody’s leg. Unsure if indecent exposure during the chicken dance crosses Bavarian propriety, our best guess is that unleashed Teutonic bratwurst receives mild Lutheran rebuke, while dangling Hispanic chorizo gets tased.
2: Write letters to The Joplin Globe demanding that the Democrat Party leave Medicaid alone because government involvement in health care will kill grandma.
3: Down shots of Old Crow whenever our favorite NASCAR driver is on fire.
4: Assume communism, fascism and socialism are one in the same. Accuse liberals of combining all three into an ACORN funded conspiracy against segregation.
5: Become apoplectic when liberals suggest taxing millionaires; spew ambiguous Bible verse to support torture and homicidal maniacs who murder people in their church.
6: Protest the global warming hoax by pumping an extra five gallons of gas into Kum & Go’s handy trash can.
7: Bowl.
8: Automatically exhibit a knee-jerk reaction against higher education.
9: Gain eighty pounds. Develop class envy against dittoheads issued handicapped license plates without first contracting diabetes.
10: Go Galt by stockpiling machine guns in preparation for Glenn Beck’s tweet confirming Moroni is hanging out around his hot tub.
__________________
*Harry Flynn was Pop’s Navy buddy. Sadly, Harry was gunned down by Osaka vice cops in 1953. Nutt was my great-grandmother’s maiden name.
Juan Don
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)