Because I’m weird, I spent several days pouring over Judge Sotomayor’s writings during her tenure on the U. S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit -- which is two days longer than Geoff Caldwell. After reading his blog (I believe it’s called Caldwell’s Crawl Space), it’s apparent his gravel tossing critique was lifted straight from Hot Air’s grammatically challenged contribution to intellectual numbness.
“I don’t know the woman personally, don’t really care to, don’t need to”, pecks the unabashed Fox News junkie. I’m pretty sure Ms. Sotomayor would share his terse version of “Happy Trails” should they accidentally cross paths. Mentioning her academic pedigree and childhood struggle with diabetes as “compelling”, Caldwell then asks if she is truly qualified to sit on the U. S. Supreme Court -- as if he has a clue. Who are you directing this question to, Geoff? More to the point, who gives a rat’s ass? After you’ve graduated summa cum laude from Princeton and served as editor for the Harvard Law Journal, then you can play legal scholar. Hell, I’d be surprised if you know why Matlock liked hot dogs.
Geoff composes: “Just what exactly is her legal cred? Yes, yes, the White House is touting her as the most ‘experienced’ of any candidate in recent years, but ‘experience’ does not an even handed, justice is blind, jurist make”.
Okay, so everybody is guilty of blogging after sipping a few too many. I believe I just committed an act of empathy.
Juan Don
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Jack Bruce on Bass
The sound and fury over Sonia Sotomayor’s nomination is making Shakespeare’s idiot sound like Rush Limbaugh's fury on a good day. Who knew fat white men have become America’s “oppressed minority”? Oh, the poor dears!
Changing one’s skin color is an expensive way to join the less padded, off-white ‘majority’ (paging John Boehner). Fortunately Jenny Craig offers a healthier alternative to the brutal bronzing lamp. As often as Limbaugh and Gingrich flap their gums, it’s amazing that they find time for trans-fat feasting. (Bloviating while chewing is considered poor manners. Sweet Madre swung the spiked meat tenderizer when young Juan derided her infamous champinones al ajillo with a mouthful of anything but the infamous champinones al ajillo. I’m assuming that had he voiced unwanted opinions with refined grace his glass eye wouldn’t roll around on windy days).
In fairness, Boehner isn’t fat or any shade of white made by Sherwin Williams. But should the Cincinnati Republican decide to pursue a career in talk radio, he’ll have to gorge with other oppressed fat white men in their posh, gated ghettoes; growing the appropriate girth takes three SUVs dedicated to Costco’s ample stockpile of munchies. I’ve read that Limbaugh has an entire house dedicated to sour cream and bacon-flavored Crisco. Boehner will have to beat his tanning bed addiction but I’m sure the Doctor of Democracy can provide empathic encouragement and support.
*Mike Huckabee, put down your Diet Mountain Dew when waxing moron on Judge Sotomayor’s qualifications for the Supreme Court. Calling her “Maria” diminishes dumb ass objections to her sharing bench space with Antonin “Jack Bauer” Scalia. Of course assuming that all Hispanic women are named “Maria” is an honest mistake for the average pasty torture-condoning Christian politician/pastor. For years I thought every Japanese lady was Yoko this or Yoko that. Imagine my surprise when I met Kazuko.
*The National Review Online’s contribution to cyber-spam is upset that Hispanics occasionally christen male babies Jesus. Adding insult to injury, they mispronounce the sacrilege. Saying ‘Hey Zeus H. Christ riding a bicycle’ doesn’t sound right to the phonetically-trained ears of Jonah Goldberg and John Derbyshire. Next thing you know ‘May-ore’ McCheese will be garbed in mariachi wear, and that, my friends, will signal the end of Newt’s “American Civilization”…if we’re very, very lucky.
Let us pray to the Colonel’s English god that Ms. Sotomayor doesn’t use Dijon mustard.
Juan Don
Changing one’s skin color is an expensive way to join the less padded, off-white ‘majority’ (paging John Boehner). Fortunately Jenny Craig offers a healthier alternative to the brutal bronzing lamp. As often as Limbaugh and Gingrich flap their gums, it’s amazing that they find time for trans-fat feasting. (Bloviating while chewing is considered poor manners. Sweet Madre swung the spiked meat tenderizer when young Juan derided her infamous champinones al ajillo with a mouthful of anything but the infamous champinones al ajillo. I’m assuming that had he voiced unwanted opinions with refined grace his glass eye wouldn’t roll around on windy days).
In fairness, Boehner isn’t fat or any shade of white made by Sherwin Williams. But should the Cincinnati Republican decide to pursue a career in talk radio, he’ll have to gorge with other oppressed fat white men in their posh, gated ghettoes; growing the appropriate girth takes three SUVs dedicated to Costco’s ample stockpile of munchies. I’ve read that Limbaugh has an entire house dedicated to sour cream and bacon-flavored Crisco. Boehner will have to beat his tanning bed addiction but I’m sure the Doctor of Democracy can provide empathic encouragement and support.
*Mike Huckabee, put down your Diet Mountain Dew when waxing moron on Judge Sotomayor’s qualifications for the Supreme Court. Calling her “Maria” diminishes dumb ass objections to her sharing bench space with Antonin “Jack Bauer” Scalia. Of course assuming that all Hispanic women are named “Maria” is an honest mistake for the average pasty torture-condoning Christian politician/pastor. For years I thought every Japanese lady was Yoko this or Yoko that. Imagine my surprise when I met Kazuko.
*The National Review Online’s contribution to cyber-spam is upset that Hispanics occasionally christen male babies Jesus. Adding insult to injury, they mispronounce the sacrilege. Saying ‘Hey Zeus H. Christ riding a bicycle’ doesn’t sound right to the phonetically-trained ears of Jonah Goldberg and John Derbyshire. Next thing you know ‘May-ore’ McCheese will be garbed in mariachi wear, and that, my friends, will signal the end of Newt’s “American Civilization”…if we’re very, very lucky.
Let us pray to the Colonel’s English god that Ms. Sotomayor doesn’t use Dijon mustard.
Juan Don
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Succorance and Secession
I’ve had more fun reading other writers this week. Dick Cheney has turned into quite the Chatty Cathy since leaving his ‘undisclosed location’. Aside from the dittoheads frantically rowing Viking death ships toward Niflheim, Republicans not wearing horned helmets are watching the debacle with what dentists call Craniomandibular Dysfunction.
_______________________________________________________________________
Project currently on hold: Talon Tisdale, my tall heiress, is suspended in fiction with well groomed but troubled Dr. Nick Barkley. Not to fear. Tomorrow they’ll be released from their first steamy embrace and begin the ____ page descent into guilt-induced remorse. Nick is still married to Britt, his college sweetheart. Britt, brain-dead for five years after suffering a dreadful snorkeling mishap, just happens to be Talon’s step-sister. Ouch. If the publisher wasn’t so picky I’d end the yet unnamed novel with Rep. Charlie Key (R-OK) finding his soul mate in the plot’s comatose twist. (Dialogue between Charlie and Britt would be challenging, as would perfunctory make out scenes. Actually, I could have both characters speak in stream of unconsciousness; or Charlie could speak for Britt using either hand sock or Respirator Barbie. It might be a dandy idea for Charlie and Mark Kinsley to watch Ken Burns’ “The Civil War” before seeping any more secession tea bags).
________________________________________________________________________
Too bad Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi committed suicide. I guess Libyan prisons aren’t as safe as they used to be. I’m sure Ibn would have corroborated Cheney’s tale about the link between Saddam and bin Laden, and how the dastardly duo were plotting more terrorist attacks…after 9-11. Odd that torture was stopped when the Abu Ghraib photos were made public. Does that mean The War on Terror officially ended after Bush’s first term? I can’t imagine why the kibosh was put on torture if the crime(s) kept America safe. It really does get confusing trying to follow Cheney’s revisionist history timeline.
Congratulations to all graduates.
Juan
_______________________________________________________________________
Project currently on hold: Talon Tisdale, my tall heiress, is suspended in fiction with well groomed but troubled Dr. Nick Barkley. Not to fear. Tomorrow they’ll be released from their first steamy embrace and begin the ____ page descent into guilt-induced remorse. Nick is still married to Britt, his college sweetheart. Britt, brain-dead for five years after suffering a dreadful snorkeling mishap, just happens to be Talon’s step-sister. Ouch. If the publisher wasn’t so picky I’d end the yet unnamed novel with Rep. Charlie Key (R-OK) finding his soul mate in the plot’s comatose twist. (Dialogue between Charlie and Britt would be challenging, as would perfunctory make out scenes. Actually, I could have both characters speak in stream of unconsciousness; or Charlie could speak for Britt using either hand sock or Respirator Barbie. It might be a dandy idea for Charlie and Mark Kinsley to watch Ken Burns’ “The Civil War” before seeping any more secession tea bags).
________________________________________________________________________
Too bad Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi committed suicide. I guess Libyan prisons aren’t as safe as they used to be. I’m sure Ibn would have corroborated Cheney’s tale about the link between Saddam and bin Laden, and how the dastardly duo were plotting more terrorist attacks…after 9-11. Odd that torture was stopped when the Abu Ghraib photos were made public. Does that mean The War on Terror officially ended after Bush’s first term? I can’t imagine why the kibosh was put on torture if the crime(s) kept America safe. It really does get confusing trying to follow Cheney’s revisionist history timeline.
Congratulations to all graduates.
Juan
Thursday, May 7, 2009
darryls and dragons
This headline grabbed me (figuratively) this afternoon: SESSIONS THOUGHT KKK WAS OK UNTIL HE FOUND OUT THEY SMOKED POT. The Sessions in question is Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions, known to Mobile rib joint patrons as Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III.
Imagine you’re enjoying old fashioned white supremacy companionship…and then several sheeted yahoos ruin the high by lighting a fatty from the cross burning in some Jew’s front yard: a buzz kill to be sure. Such acts of beatnik behavior demean Christian symbolism inherent in hooded race baiting. Decorum gentleman, please. If Charlton Heston* had wanted white male bigots to smoke pot He would have made their fingertips less sensitive to lighted roaches.
I’m curious as to how many Klaven meetings J. Beauregard attended before smelling a rat. Didn’t alarm bells go off after the giggly Cyclops was banned from Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet? Did he really think Delmar’s little alligator clip was used for extreme outdoor grooming? His inattentiveness to detail is disconcerting. How can Sean Hannity be sure he’ll expose non-originalist Supreme Court Justice nominees if blind to activities commonly associated with Chicago street thugs? Already quoted as being somewhat cool with a practicing homosexual sitting on the court, the Alabama Republican is making strict originalists jumpy. (Combining jumpy with originalists may or may not be an oxymoron. Perhaps George Will can take time away from disproving Newton’s Second Law of Motion to provide clarification).
It’s hard to fathom that our Founding Fathers would have considered a lady of Puerto Rican decent suitable Supreme Court material. And Clarence Thomas’ vote would have been worth three fifths, creating mathematically ’fuzzy’ decisions back when the Second Amendment and candle power still had meaning.
Sadly, Rep. Michele Bachmann’s erratic talent would have been wasted in a locked attic.
***********
Joe the Plumber has left the GOP. Good lord, who’s next?
*Charlton Heston was the voice of God in The Ten Commandments. Mr. Yellowman says it was Donald Hayne but he’s been under considerable strain of late.
Juan Don
Imagine you’re enjoying old fashioned white supremacy companionship…and then several sheeted yahoos ruin the high by lighting a fatty from the cross burning in some Jew’s front yard: a buzz kill to be sure. Such acts of beatnik behavior demean Christian symbolism inherent in hooded race baiting. Decorum gentleman, please. If Charlton Heston* had wanted white male bigots to smoke pot He would have made their fingertips less sensitive to lighted roaches.
I’m curious as to how many Klaven meetings J. Beauregard attended before smelling a rat. Didn’t alarm bells go off after the giggly Cyclops was banned from Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet? Did he really think Delmar’s little alligator clip was used for extreme outdoor grooming? His inattentiveness to detail is disconcerting. How can Sean Hannity be sure he’ll expose non-originalist Supreme Court Justice nominees if blind to activities commonly associated with Chicago street thugs? Already quoted as being somewhat cool with a practicing homosexual sitting on the court, the Alabama Republican is making strict originalists jumpy. (Combining jumpy with originalists may or may not be an oxymoron. Perhaps George Will can take time away from disproving Newton’s Second Law of Motion to provide clarification).
It’s hard to fathom that our Founding Fathers would have considered a lady of Puerto Rican decent suitable Supreme Court material. And Clarence Thomas’ vote would have been worth three fifths, creating mathematically ’fuzzy’ decisions back when the Second Amendment and candle power still had meaning.
Sadly, Rep. Michele Bachmann’s erratic talent would have been wasted in a locked attic.
***********
Joe the Plumber has left the GOP. Good lord, who’s next?
*Charlton Heston was the voice of God in The Ten Commandments. Mr. Yellowman says it was Donald Hayne but he’s been under considerable strain of late.
Juan Don
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
fore
Michael Alan Weiner Savage won’t be “swingin’ like a pendulum do” in England anytime soon. The stiff-lipped Brits have placed the goateed crank on their list of undesirables. On the bright side, Weiner Savage is finally sharing AP wire space with ‘fag hater’ extraordinaire Fred Phelps. Maybe the international notoriety will offset his disappointment over a missed opportunity to display his acting chops on an upcoming episode of “24”. Due to CDC issues, Weiner Savage was unable to portray himself saving Alexandria, Virginia from queer infidel infestation. (The climax features the talk radio asshat foiling cross-dressing Muslims from jamming Joe 'da Plumber's ‘gaydar’). Hopefully the show’s producers find Laura Ingraham a suitable celebrity replacement. I’m biting my nails in neurotic anticipation, especially if she performs ‘al natural’ and forgoes chin electrolysis.
The GOP might regain a semblance of respectability by giving Joe the Plumber plane fare back to Ohio -- tacking on theologian to his list of hobbies does stretch the tarp rather tight. At the very least, political operatives handling his press access should limit ‘stultus est sicut facit’ soliloquies to magazines that target tractor pull enthusiasts. (Yes, Roy, I’m poking fun at people who pay money to watch farm machinery lug dead weight).
*********
I know I’m just another liberal elitist, but does Bristol Palin really represent the best spokesperson for teen sex abstinence? Without sounding too judgmental, couldn’t Candies have found a plausible virgin to promote their laudable goal? Perhaps there is generous leeway that allows for at least one mulligan. I’m guessing that twins would get a drop; extra points for providing examples of unplayable lies.
*Stupid is as stupid does.
The GOP might regain a semblance of respectability by giving Joe the Plumber plane fare back to Ohio -- tacking on theologian to his list of hobbies does stretch the tarp rather tight. At the very least, political operatives handling his press access should limit ‘stultus est sicut facit’ soliloquies to magazines that target tractor pull enthusiasts. (Yes, Roy, I’m poking fun at people who pay money to watch farm machinery lug dead weight).
*********
I know I’m just another liberal elitist, but does Bristol Palin really represent the best spokesperson for teen sex abstinence? Without sounding too judgmental, couldn’t Candies have found a plausible virgin to promote their laudable goal? Perhaps there is generous leeway that allows for at least one mulligan. I’m guessing that twins would get a drop; extra points for providing examples of unplayable lies.
*Stupid is as stupid does.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
quilled correspondence
My inbox was blessed with an email from The Hairdresser.
“Dear Juan John Don,
As a fellow student of Beckett’s park bench school of existential observation, I share your cynical dismay. The only difference between Comedy Central and Fox News is tongue placement when interviewing Miss California. It is not surprising that an alarming number of movement conservatives believe Stephen Colbert is mocking Jon Stewart. Perhaps my old Abnormal Psych notebook contains scrawled reminders that the mentally ill cannot comprehend the meaning of fair or balanced.
I agree that a sizable chunk of the Republican Party’s dire straights can be attributed to self-inflicted success; dominating media outlets for a generation has created the illusion of majority status. Because of rightwing radio saturation and entrenched Beltway enablers, the echo chamber effect equates Rush Limbaugh’s bank account with national popularity. On-going attempts to tar Barack Obama as The Weather Underground’s latest point man is a classic example of George Weinberg’s Projection Principle. It takes little imagination to see post-Reagan conservatism as nothing more than opportunistic nihilism. I am confident that the person President Obama picks to replace Justice Souter will have their scalp thoroughly searched for signs of The Beast”.
***************
Dear ________,
Thank you for the email. All I’ve received the past two days are spam reminders to double check my credit report -- like someone would make the effort to swipe my thin limit. The poor bastard might get as far as Ponca City before taking refuge in the nearest hobo jungle. Unfamiliar with George Weinberg, I took time away from thoroughly reviewing Miss California’s free torso upgrade to google his work. You may remember that the only way I aced Psych 101 was pretending a paranormal link to doomed Titanic passenger Richard White. Had not Dr. ____ admitted his eager participation in CIA orchestrated LSD experiments, the idea to feign an irrational fear of ice via reincarnation would probably not have occurred to me. I’m pleased to learn that Weinberg coined the term ‘homophobic’. I have long attributed authorship to the late Jerry Falwell. Mr. Yellowman had me convinced Falwell conjured up the word after an especially relaxing deep muscle massage left his little martini glass shaken AND stirred. Please don’t repeat this. With each passing day my thread-bare dignity takes a clothes line beating.
You should find small comfort in the National Council for a New America. Fielding fresh Republican talent to crash pizzerias, the Party of No has decided to reboot their My Space account. And who better to sway younger voters than Newt Gingrich, John McCain, Mitt Romney Jeb Bush and Haley Barbour? Do they form a Conga line?
It’s all beautiful,
Juan Don
“Dear Juan John Don,
As a fellow student of Beckett’s park bench school of existential observation, I share your cynical dismay. The only difference between Comedy Central and Fox News is tongue placement when interviewing Miss California. It is not surprising that an alarming number of movement conservatives believe Stephen Colbert is mocking Jon Stewart. Perhaps my old Abnormal Psych notebook contains scrawled reminders that the mentally ill cannot comprehend the meaning of fair or balanced.
I agree that a sizable chunk of the Republican Party’s dire straights can be attributed to self-inflicted success; dominating media outlets for a generation has created the illusion of majority status. Because of rightwing radio saturation and entrenched Beltway enablers, the echo chamber effect equates Rush Limbaugh’s bank account with national popularity. On-going attempts to tar Barack Obama as The Weather Underground’s latest point man is a classic example of George Weinberg’s Projection Principle. It takes little imagination to see post-Reagan conservatism as nothing more than opportunistic nihilism. I am confident that the person President Obama picks to replace Justice Souter will have their scalp thoroughly searched for signs of The Beast”.
***************
Dear ________,
Thank you for the email. All I’ve received the past two days are spam reminders to double check my credit report -- like someone would make the effort to swipe my thin limit. The poor bastard might get as far as Ponca City before taking refuge in the nearest hobo jungle. Unfamiliar with George Weinberg, I took time away from thoroughly reviewing Miss California’s free torso upgrade to google his work. You may remember that the only way I aced Psych 101 was pretending a paranormal link to doomed Titanic passenger Richard White. Had not Dr. ____ admitted his eager participation in CIA orchestrated LSD experiments, the idea to feign an irrational fear of ice via reincarnation would probably not have occurred to me. I’m pleased to learn that Weinberg coined the term ‘homophobic’. I have long attributed authorship to the late Jerry Falwell. Mr. Yellowman had me convinced Falwell conjured up the word after an especially relaxing deep muscle massage left his little martini glass shaken AND stirred. Please don’t repeat this. With each passing day my thread-bare dignity takes a clothes line beating.
You should find small comfort in the National Council for a New America. Fielding fresh Republican talent to crash pizzerias, the Party of No has decided to reboot their My Space account. And who better to sway younger voters than Newt Gingrich, John McCain, Mitt Romney Jeb Bush and Haley Barbour? Do they form a Conga line?
It’s all beautiful,
Juan Don
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