waiting for the red phone to ring

Today’s the day Michele Bachmann marches tea baggers through the halls of Congress. In anticipation of this historic charade, Democratic Party representatives have agreed to stand before their desks naked from the waist down. Actually, only male representatives will be airing out their boys: tea bagging female traitors is physically impossible. An imaginative loon, perhaps Bachmann has developed a contingency plan so as to include the fairer socialist sex. Judging from the wild-eyed siren’s previous patriotic stunts, it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that girl Democrats could be assaulted with the red, white and blue Endocervical Specula ’O Liberty. We can only hope and pray that Barney Frank feels rough, populist tongue and cold stainless steel, preferably at the same time.
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My pharmaceutically enhanced happiness took a hit yesterday after reading the Family Tamko has $250,000 to burn. It must be a burden to have so much money lying around. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to help. And so I offer this remedy:

Dear Humphreys,

After hearing of your cash infestation problem, I feel compelled to offer my assistance. Because Beloved made me shovel out the garage, there is approximately 200 square feet of unused floor space. Too small an area for the average libertarian to stretch his or her legs, it can easily accommodate a quarter million dollars. Assuming the money is packed in boxes, I’m guessing that the relatively clean area can handle five, maybe six million bucks. In fact, why not just back the Brinks truck up to the garage door, and I’ll take it from there.

A huge fan of asphalt,

Juan Don

spooky canine tooth

Here’s what I did last week while high on serious pain medication:

Devoted two days studying the Republican’s health-care plan

Phoned in a pizza delivery order to Freeman Urgent Care

Tried to make my wife a Halloween costume out of Shoe Goo and electrical tape

Set the sticky black wad on fire in a plastic trash can

Looked on helplessly while my wife galloped about trying to contain the toxic blaze

Invented a new chili recipe that doesn’t require beans, ground beef or conventional seasoning
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Tomorrow’s election results should provide ample piles of blog material. Because I still have two serious pain pills left, I am going to clean out the vial. Dangerously close to glimpsing Limbaugh’s “American exceptionalism”, perhaps another 1000 milligrams will provide the final push.

Juan Don