Jack Bruce on Bass

The sound and fury over Sonia Sotomayor’s nomination is making Shakespeare’s idiot sound like Rush Limbaugh's fury on a good day. Who knew fat white men have become America’s “oppressed minority”? Oh, the poor dears!

Changing one’s skin color is an expensive way to join the less padded, off-white ‘majority’ (paging John Boehner). Fortunately Jenny Craig offers a healthier alternative to the brutal bronzing lamp. As often as Limbaugh and Gingrich flap their gums, it’s amazing that they find time for trans-fat feasting. (Bloviating while chewing is considered poor manners. Sweet Madre swung the spiked meat tenderizer when young Juan derided her infamous champinones al ajillo with a mouthful of anything but the infamous champinones al ajillo. I’m assuming that had he voiced unwanted opinions with refined grace his glass eye wouldn’t roll around on windy days).

In fairness, Boehner isn’t fat or any shade of white made by Sherwin Williams. But should the Cincinnati Republican decide to pursue a career in talk radio, he’ll have to gorge with other oppressed fat white men in their posh, gated ghettoes; growing the appropriate girth takes three SUVs dedicated to Costco’s ample stockpile of munchies. I’ve read that Limbaugh has an entire house dedicated to sour cream and bacon-flavored Crisco. Boehner will have to beat his tanning bed addiction but I’m sure the Doctor of Democracy can provide empathic encouragement and support.

*Mike Huckabee, put down your Diet Mountain Dew when waxing moron on Judge Sotomayor’s qualifications for the Supreme Court. Calling her “Maria” diminishes dumb ass objections to her sharing bench space with Antonin “Jack Bauer” Scalia. Of course assuming that all Hispanic women are named “Maria” is an honest mistake for the average pasty torture-condoning Christian politician/pastor. For years I thought every Japanese lady was Yoko this or Yoko that. Imagine my surprise when I met Kazuko.

*The National Review Online’s contribution to cyber-spam is upset that Hispanics occasionally christen male babies Jesus. Adding insult to injury, they mispronounce the sacrilege. Saying ‘Hey Zeus H. Christ riding a bicycle’ doesn’t sound right to the phonetically-trained ears of Jonah Goldberg and John Derbyshire. Next thing you know ‘May-ore’ McCheese will be garbed in mariachi wear, and that, my friends, will signal the end of Newt’s “American Civilization”…if we’re very, very lucky.

Let us pray to the Colonel’s English god that Ms. Sotomayor doesn’t use Dijon mustard.

Juan Don