From The Hairdresser, Party Lines’ unofficial Washington D.C. correspondent.*
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Dear Juan,
Sorry I couldn’t talk last week when you called. You had obviously been ‘working’ hard that day and I had endured a lengthy Happy Hour ‘conversation’ with a booth-full of soused, overpaid ‘health-care’ lobbyists. I suspect that they’re penciled-in to receive the first fresh liver available after their organic filters permanently ferment. Proximity to power does have its privileges.
From your last rambling missive, I can’t tell if you think Giuliani will go the distance or suffocate beneath his self-promoted 9-11 hero mythology. I can tell you that he’s certainly got the juice. The same fat cats who financed George W. have written big-numbered checks to his campaign. No question that Bernie Kerik poses a problem. Judith Regan, the woman scorned, probably did make secret tape recordings. It’s very likely Murdock’s legal army is busy creating firewalls in case the Feds decide to follow the money. Although it’s no secret Murdock’s Media Empire is backing Giuliani, it certainly gives the other candidates an opening to cry foul when Fox News lackeys drool in near-orgasmic delight at the very mention of his name. McCain and Romney have already taken their shots, questioning Giuliani’s judgment for sponsoring somebody with Kerik’s checkered past. It’s Helleresque ironic that he turned down Bush’s offer to become the Homeland Security czar over fears his scandal-rife career would generate too much negative publicity -- and then suggested Kerik as a splendid replacement! I’m starting to agree with you; maybe the entire White House vetting process was/is run from Karl Rove’s Blackberry.
An associate who works for the Dark Side has a friend with close ties to the Thompson campaign. The news from Shady Rest isn’t good. Thompson looks bad. Celebrity stalkers and Republicans praying for Reagan’s return have to stifle a gasp whenever he shuffles into view. Thus far he’s failed to generate any momentum (or money); he will probably fade away before Valentine’s Day. Romney, who will win in Iowa and New Hampshire, is the one benefiting most from Giuliani’s close proximity to the Kerik mess. Assuming that Giuliani’s mob problems provide rightwing evangelical mullahs the brass knuckles needed to serious cripple The Weekly Standard’s favorite neo-con, then Romney’s Mormonism will be overlooked as long as he recites verbatim from the Dobson Book of Common Prayer. Robertson’s endorsement doesn’t pack the same wallop it once did. In fact, it’s a sign of how far removed Giuliani’s people are from the conservative Christian movement that they thought a brief sound-bite from Robertson would redeem Rudy’s unconscionable pro-choice position. Nothing succeeds like success. A slew of early primary victories will put the Romney camp front and center, and leave John McCain (poor bastard) and Mike Huckabee staring in glum silence at a map.
Republican mavericks and libertarian-leaning independents have found a new horse to ride in Ron Paul, leaving McCain stranded in some dimly-lit church basement, muttering to himself that his Faustian deal with Bob Jones III was a bit premature. Huckabee’s poll numbers have been trending upward (he doesn’t have to pretend born-again ‘bona-fides‘, since he ‘are’ one) but he’ll never tap into BuschCo ’Pioneer’ cash or persuade Wall Street that he can keep the global Ponzi scheme afloat for another four years. Beltway consensus is that Huckabee is positioning himself to be on the VP shortlist. He would certainly be a friendlier face than Tom Tancredo or Duncan Hunter. Both have hinted that should Bill Richardson win the Democratic beauty contest, they will demand INS agents poke him back to Mexico at gunpoint. (Strangely enough, they seem to like Dennis Kucinich. Howard Kurtz believes it’s because he has a hot wife).
It will be interesting to see how long Republicans can pretend Hillary Clinton is the incumbent president. After holding the House and Senate hostage for years, the latest GOP slogan is VOTE FOR CHANGE! The joke going around Zengo’s Lounge is sometime next spring House Repubs will try and push through a bill declaring Bush a Democrat. I’m sure you enjoyed hearing that they demanded an apology from Pelosi for suggesting that the needless Iraq occupation will eventually cost $3 trillion. I see their point. Fiscal conservatives can live with $2 trillion but anything higher than that is an outrageous affront to common decency.
Now go and super-glue your teeth back in!
Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,
(Name withheld for national security)
*Funny how some things never change.
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