The lady standing next to Gary Nodler (who I presume is his wife) gazed up at the chunky corporate tool with an expression of earnest adoration as he endorsed his campaign commercial. Alas, her eyes darted toward the camera moments before the touching scene reached completion. I suspect lack of preparation played a role in this unfortunate miscue, ruining another classy conservative homage to traditional family values. Nancy Reagan had this staged scene down cold. Her wide Precious Moments eyes were always boring into the side of Ronnie’s head like carbide-tipped drill bits. But then Nancy was an old MGM/GE trooper trained to ignore adverse conditions, such as stinging sleet or what Daddy calls “dog pecker gnats.”
Because I had nothing better to do, I e-mailed Gary with suggestions on how to improve this stale media affectation. Presuming he wins the Republican primary and continues his quest to avoid employment in the private sector, the promotions need tweaking.
______________________________________________________
Dear Gary,
Before I put forward ideas on how to avoid further media miscues, let me commend you for owning one suit. Whether or not wearing bright baby blue threads is by design or lack of wardrobe, the color definitely attracts attention. It’s always savvy marketing to brand an image: Think Colonel Sanders and Matthew Lesko. If tempted to buy another suit, consider canary yellow or hugger orange. Avoid pinks and pastels. Billy Long telling butt pirate jokes isn’t worth the fashion risk.
*Shoot everything indoors. While outdoor locations are popular backdrops for pale politicians seeking to convey the impression of sporadic outside activity, you appear uncomfortable surrounded by nature. At least you weren’t on a horse, farm tractor or holding tools commonly associated with manual labor.
*Perfecting the doting-wife-staring-in-hypnotic-fascination-at-husband’s-gourd requires eyelid and neck muscle memory. I suggest she spend several hours a day staring at your head. Hire an assistant to distract her with loud noises and water pistol. This will either improve concentration or garner unwanted attention after she files a restraining order. Remember, there is a fine line between unblinking devotion and the less attractive deer-in-headlights glare. Use the time-tested trick of taping her eyes open if blinking detracts from the desired effect. Just make sure the tape isn’t visible. Some people might mistake the campaign ad for a trailer announcing another Tim Burton movie.
Another fool in paradise,
Juan Don
No comments:
Post a Comment