Rando Redux

After Shelly Dreyer beat a hasty retreat from the Club 609’s small town trendy décor, Anson Burlingame spoke quietly but firmly into his wallet-sized tape recorder.

Impressions of the trial lawyer: Good judge of character; perfume subtle, didn’t smell like a Guam Goochie girl; obviously a right-wing ideologue; shitty at math; flimsy grip on science; didn’t compliment my beard or Hawaiian shirt. This bothers me, even though no signs of ‘butchiness’. Maybe she’s far-sighted.

An hour later Bill White, Shelly Dreyer’s opponent in the Republican primary, sat opposite his interrogator, staring down into a pile of overpriced romaine lettuce.

Anson: Here’s the scenario, Bill: You and a young Japanese guy are marooned on a desert island. Months and months go by and still no rescue ship. The Japanese guy’s hair is getting longer and longer. And because he’s oriental, he doesn’t have any facial hair. Let’s say he’s found a flimsy dress while looking for coconuts or whatever. One day you notice him walk by and he’s wearing the dress. You think, ‘Shit fire, from the back he looks just like a girl!’ Later on the beach…
White: I’m not sure where you’re going with this or why.
Anson: Bill, as I explained during my last scenario with the terrorist, power drill and ticking time bomb, I’m exploring the depths of your flexibility.
White: You do remember that I’m running for state representative?
Anson: Of course! And I want to make damn certain how the person representing me in Jeff City would handle themselves with a young Japanese guy wearing a dress on a desert island. You’re a Republican, so I’d expect you to look after my economic self-interest! What I want to know, Bill, is what’s going to happen to the Japanese guy.
White: Alright, the answer is an emphatic no.
Anson: Even after two, three years?
White: Still no. Can we change the subject?
Anson: Just one more. I call this my ‘Illegal Mexican/Red Dawn Scenario’. You might want to pay close attention, Bill; this baby gets real tricky in a hurry.
White: (Fumbles for his ringing cell phone). Hello. Yes. Right. Okay. Anson, I’m very sorry but I’m needed back at the office. Something about residency requirements.
Anson: Too bad. You’d have really enjoyed the last brain teaser.
White: I’m sure. Thanks for the lunch and the interesting conversation. Maybe some time I can give you more details about my plan to entice bigger poultry plants into southwest Missouri.

While the waitress removed the plates, Anson spoke quietly but firmly into his wallet-sized tape recorder.

Impressions of Bill White: Not as wimpy as first thought; would drill terrorist's knee-cap but wasn’t as gung-ho about slicing open his nut sack with a K-Bar. Didn’t bite on the Japanese guy who looks like a girl on desert island scenario. Seemed a bit jumpy when I asked him if he favored nuking the entire Middle East. Wanted to know if Israel was included in my plan for total victory. Good point. Doesn’t think Obama is a true Marxist, but could be if he wins a second term. Fingernails were a bit too long. Doesn’t appear to get outside much. Will declare winner during spur of the moment epiphany while watching “Hannity.”
Mustard way too spicy.