Squealing about the price of Fruit Loops and moo juice, Dianne Slater is back again to say boo. The scary Chicago street thug is spending money like a California conservative. Waddle for your lives, the African Marxist wants to give her two hundred and fifty bucks! Hell’s bells, Miss D, that extra cash could keep you supplied in cereal for at least another month, maybe two if you stopped swallowing handfuls while watching Glenn Beck imitate Mr. Green Jeans going through angel dust withdrawal. Not to be picky, but how did George W. Bush pay for the invasion of Iraq? Maybe I missed the local Americans for Prosperity garage sale that raised…a trillion dollars.
Bitching about the First Couple enjoying an occasional date night, I assume Miss D is cool with GW Bush expending 857 days of his presidency on vacation. It’s amazing that he found the time to defeat Terror and preside over unparalleled economic growth. Small wonder the previous president is making over $3,000 a minute motivating the morally prone.
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Ollie North is advising Congressional Republicans on foreign policy. Rep. Mike Pence (R-Uranus) wanted Sarah Palin for the job, but she hasn’t had time to purchase bigger binoculars. Ollie’s expertise in selling weapons to America’s sworn enemies is beyond reproach. I suspect the Taliban would trade poppies for Stinger missiles. Ollie could then persuade his international drug connections to convert the further processed poppies into legal tender. All politicians like slush funds, especially the covert, untraceable variety.
I’m going to go out on a limb and predict Ollie believes President Obama should order more troops into Afghanistan before launching a preemptive strike against Iran, the UN and Chicago’s south side.
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House Republicans are pushing for a resolution to honor tea baggers. Hearing the news, Gunston “Gunny” Krumpler, founder of Not Those Kind of Hershey Kisses, is upset that his organization is getting the shaft.
Firing off an email from his French Lick, Indiana headquarters, Krumpler let Rep. John Boehner know his disappointment.
Mr. Minority Leader,
As a lifelong libertarian and practicing Objectivist, I must object to reports that tea baggers are being singled out for special commendation. Described by friends as ‘loose and goosey’, I’m cool with consenting adults doing whatever floats their boat. Although sipping testicles is not my cup of tea, the activity appears popular with overweight whites who share grammar issues.
To the point: What about throwing a bone to liberal-hating gun-lovers who find pleasure in kissing and tonguing butt? Had Dick Armey thought it through, he would have realized that there are more anti-Obama ass kissers than tea baggers. Instead of a measly 70,000 marching on Washington, my organization could have fielded an additional twenty or thirty from the northern Virginia /D.C. area alone. And not to toot my own horn, but I designed a killer logo that never fails to generate media controversy.
You could prove that the Republican Party is inclusive if including anally-fixated anti-government patriots.
PS: Please don’t confuse Not Those Kind of Hershey Kisses with the George Soros funded Rectal Rangers. I don’t believe an explanation is necessary,
Hi Ho,
Gunny Krumpler
An hour later Krumpler sent another email.
Dear Mr. Minority Leader,
Imagine my shock and embarrassment when discovering that the tea baggers in question…well, I hope one day you and I can share a good laugh.
If I may offer a small defense-as-question: Why do they call themselves tea baggers? As an educated man with 23 hours of community college under his belt, I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that there was a sexual component involved. But since there isn’t, I fully understand why you wouldn’t want to add my organization into the mix.
Although NTKOHK is perfectly legal with nothing whatsoever to hide, I would consider it a great favor if FBI personnel weren’t dispatched to my humble office. I’m going through a rather nasty custody battle with my ex-wife, and I know she’d use a federal investigation against me in court.
PS: I have an autographed photo of Speaker Gingrich.
Very Sincerely,
Gunny Krumpler
Juan Don
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