Tuesday's Weld

Needling online comments stacked beneath Allen Shirley’s doggerel suggest the serial bore fails to impress locals with internet access. You’d think the paper could find a fresher mule* to haul stale trumpery. Slater’s god only knows what water hazard Shirley laps from before scrawling thick pencil marks upon Big Chief’s pre-lined tablet.

Oh well. Perhaps a bidding war between The Globe and The Big Nickel will entice Shirley to replace his divots inside another publication. Should The Big Nickel win (and why not?), savvy used car shoppers could amuse themselves with Short Bus Soliloquies before getting down to more serious business.

*Please note that just one lame drug dealing inference was exploited by the soiled sweats wearing eccentric.** There is no reason to assume that a professional pill peddler would break the pusher’s cardinal rule: Never get high on your own supply.
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Extending the ’getting high on your own supply’ tangent for a moment, I’m listening to El Rushbo explain why his storied career in race-baiting should not be misconstrued as blatant bigotry. Because the shrinking gasbag never, ever talks about himself, media attention has focused on his interest in purchasing a piece of the St. Louis Rams. His connection to the bidding syndicate in question would have come out sooner or later, but it was Fuzzball who first broke the story -- the kook can’t control his impulse to remind sheeple how much money he’s parked offshore.

(Without besmirching Graceland’s holy allure, I’d wager 13 pesos that dittoheads will one day stand in line to visit Limbaugh’s lush Palm Beach compound. Dumbfounded pilgrims gazing in opened mouthed amazement are a fitting tribute to dope-induced American exceptionalism).
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I wonder if Fox News will point their impartial horse whip in Gov. Rick Perry’s general direction. A sordid drama involving arson, capital punishment and dead children should be right up Glenn Beck’s alley. If you can’t huff Vaporub and cry over burnt babies, what can a patriot pretend to bawl about? Let’s take a moment and review the list of conservative Republican politicians the cable channel has skewered over the years.

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All apologies if I left some out.

**Normally, eccentric is preceded by reckless -- as in ‘the reckless eccentric fucked up another riding mower’.

Juan Don