The Better Jesus

This is interesting. A group called The Conservative Bible Project has decided that the word of God is too liberal and in need of cutting edge societal evolution. Because there is no severe weather alert, the devil’s workshop is open for business.

****The new and improved conservative Jesus****
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And The Lord spoke at great length on the evils of progressive taxation. When He finished, Thomas raised his hand. “But Master, didn’t you say render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s?”

“Thomas, Thomas, Thomas”, said Jesus. “Would you be party to liberal media lies? You know how the Jerusalem Times likes to reprint my parables word for word, and then accuse me of hypocrisy and falsehoods. Haven’t I told you, each of you, about how ideologically pure propaganda works?”

The Lord pointed toward Luke. “What’s my current accuracy rating?”

“Ninety eight point seven percent“, said Luke.

The Lord smiled and lighted a nice cigar. “Okay, who’s up for a quick round of golf before supper?”
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And The Lord was on a roll. After teasing Paul for wearing girly sandals, He gathered his disciples about him.

“Look, you all know how I feel about queers. There’s no greater abomination than man lying with man. It’s no different than lying with dog, sheep or ass. Why is Paul laughing? Come on, I’m trying to be serious. It’s just creepy. What? Speak up, James. How do I feel about woman lying with woman? You know, for some reason that doesn’t bother me.”
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Jesus led myrrh baggers into the olive grove and blessed their signs. Many brandished spears and this pleased The Lord. He told the myrrh baggers that illegal aliens could not enter the Kingdom of Heaven and warned of socialized medicine defiling sacred capitalism. To strike home His point, The Lord only healed those able to pay in cash.
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John informed Jesus that Lazarus had died again (he was accident prone) and said the family was anxious for Him to repeat another miracle. The Lord listened quietly. While turning water into an excellent chardonnay, pausing occasionally to swirl the fruity wine, He replied, “Do I look like a co-dependent?”

Juan Don