Long Lost Weekend

Juan’s Charm would greet her wayward gimp’s return with frying pan in hand if he disappeared for days. Of course the Sanford’s may have taken Bay Area marriage vows: Splitting incommunicado into Thomas’s good night is an act of Aquarian trust. Then again, maybe the tired Father’s Day Olive Garden gig was becoming a drag and the governor decided some naked Appalachian Trail was needed to give Little Boone a badly needed breather.

Thanks to Adler‘s limitless verve, there is another theory as to why the foe of Obama dollars has cornered Gawker blogging space: He’s courting Ron Paul fans. Think about it. What says ‘Hey, I’m an unconventional conservative’ better than liberating a South Carolina law enforcement SUV and reprising Dr. Kimball‘s flight sans restrictive jockey shorts. Had former Missouri governor Matt Blunt flirted with bare-butted AWOL scenarios, he might be entertaining presidential ambitions instead of…whatever the hell he’s doing.

My personal opinions about Ron Paul are well known in Joplin’s more affordable bars. No doubt, the naïve liked his opposition to Bushco’s military misadventure and promise of ‘libertarian’ paradise -- always an appealing spiel to impressionable college students and recreationally drugged contrarians. To me Paul is just another Dick Armey without the mean streak. Granted, as your typical beatnik pacifist I must give him an obligatory bongo riff for failing to follow crazed neocons into Baghdad (metaphorically speaking), but the rest of his pitch was too screwball for my batting eye. Besides, his redneck racial views will always stick in my tobacco-flavored craw.

And yet I know several seasoned hipsters who harbor groovy vibes from Paul’s quixotic presidential bid, still enchanted with hints of decriminalized downtime. I’m not sure if wandering about Cormac McCarthy country in birthday suit would add luster to their fading bumper stickers or not. However, right-of-center nudist colonies (especially those in northern Indiana) would jiggle loose flesh for the first tax-cutting, family values candidate who can elicit shrieks from The View’s brain cartel when cranking up ‘wardrobe malfunction’ to Spinal Tap eleven.

Be sure and watch Fox News. I’m confident Governor Sanford will assuage Hannity’s despair with implausible deniability.

Assuming for a moment that the naked hiker story resonates with desperate Republicans, look for Sarah Palin to add wet tee shirt to her mob ensemble.

Juan Don