dedicated to the divine Ms. Slater

Dear Juan,

I’m hoping you can help me win a bet. I think Obama is a colored Stalin. My co-worker is convinced he’s the Anti-Christ with a little Hitler on the side. An educated man, I’m pretty sure the Anti-Christ has to be either Muslim or of French Huguenot descent. Help me out. There’s a topless photo of Dr. Laura on the line.

Maury Gory
Duckbutter, Kentucky

Dear Maury,

Good question. It’s highly unlikely Obama has any Der Fuhrer seed. Even though Hitler funneled his homicidal impulses toward Jews and Slavic sub-humans, he wasn’t keen on Negroes. Physical characteristics prized by Aryan fabulists during the Third Reich’s mass murder spree were in no way compatible with the Jesse Owens look. Ergo it’s dubious to believe Hitler was suicidal -- at least not before April 30th, 1945. Indiana’s Mike Pence is a near-perfect manifestation of Hitler’s goose stepping ideal. If Obama possessed Pence’s vacant blue-eyed stare and flat Nordic forehead, then your co-worker would be on the right track. As for comparisons between Obama and Stalin, I don’t see the connection. For one thing, Stalin killed an estimated 20 million Russians. And he wore a mustache. Because Obama is an incompetent “man-child” it’s hard to imagine him coming close to Stalin’s impressive tally. You’re giving Obama too much credit. About all Obama can pull off is whacking a gaggle of sick seniors. Not to be too critical, but his “Death Panels” are thin soup when spooned up against Stalin’s extensive, well organized gulag operation.

As for the Anti-Christ, I would lean toward French Huguenot. Although swarthy, they blend in better than the average Arab.

Sorry I couldn’t help.

PS: If you’re the owner of the topless Dr. Laura photo I’d like a copy. I’ve abused my Sarah Palin-in-jogging-shorts glossy beyond recognition.