Dear Juan,
My wife thought it was odd that Rush Limbaugh’s wedding included a color guard. Is it?
Dick Indabar
Hell, Oklahoma
Dear Dick,
Hiring a military color guard is unusual, especially since Limbaugh was conspicuously absent during Vietnam. However, fourth marriages are granted more creative license. Although it is not uncommon for previously married couples to redo the traditional church wedding, most opt for less formal ceremonies. When my cousin Dink tied his fourth or fifth knot (he wasn’t sure if number three was legally binding in the States), both bride and groom staggered into Snorky’s Hi-Ball wearing matching ‘I’m with Stupid’ tee shirts. They requested invited guests pay their tab in lieu of lottery tickets.
Because I don’t care, I’m not sure if the former country club caterer was previously married. If not, perhaps she was fulfilling a grotesque childhood fantasy. It’s not unreasonable to assume Limbaugh was stoned on goofballs and thought the garish affair was just another narcotic-induced hallucination. Rumors abound that he has no memory of the wedding and freaked after finding out Mrs. Limbaugh IV paid Elton John an extra $375,000 to croon “Better Off Dead” as their special song. Photos of “The Doctor of Democracy” humping John’s sequined leg were retrieved by security before Dick Morris could reach his National Enquirer connection.
So, all things considered a color guard was probably the least bizarre affectation.
Juan
Dear Juan,
ReplyDeleteI hope "Dear Juan" remains a regular feature, as it demonstrates your considerable interpersonal skills. You see, I might have attempted to offer poor Dick Indabar some measure of comfort, since he is doomed to spend the rest of eternity in a redundancy, Hell, Oklahoma.
I probably would have ignored his inquiry about Limbaugh's wedding and suggested to him that he had plenty of company in Hell, although I admit I would have been hard-pressed to explain why God sent so many Republicans there.
So, because I am somewhat emotionally crippled, due to childhood fears of being banished to Oklahoma on account of bad behavior, I could not have ignored Mr. Indabar's place of residence.
I can still hear my father saying, "Boy, if you don't go to church, God'll send you to Tulsa," and to this day it sends chills up and down my spine.
Duane Graham
Purgatory, Missouri
Duane,
ReplyDeleteMany moons ago I wrote a poem that ended, "Is death another state, like Oklahoma?"
I see why the threat of Tulsa has stayed with you. My father used to terrorize me with a trip to Grandma McKnight's work farm and chicken slaughter house. It still pains me to think she thought I was retarded because of my ghastly method of dispatching hens via slow death by stoning.
juan
Newton County