don't drink the yellow tea

I’ve retired ‘tea baggers’ for ‘tea tards’. It is unfair to lump the genteel art of testicle sipping in with Beck’s rancid brew. Tempted to adopt ‘tea turds’ as the new moniker for vapid white trash backlash, I recalled that turd was already taken. Some years ago I rechristened Kurds into Turds, as I enjoyed telling dinner guests that Beloved had prepared a delightful Turdish dish. Besides, it would make no sense for millions* of ‘tea turds’ to protest Affirmative Action’s highest achiever.

I’ll admit that I haven’t read Beck’s fiction. Although it is biased of me to assume that he shares Newt Gingrich’s larval creative writing style, I believe there is a Constitutional amendment guaranteeing my right to literally piss on stuff just because I can. Of course, I have to exercise this God-given autocracy standing up. To do so in a squatting position would mock Old Testament patriotism and belittle rigged-market capitalism. This may be the reason why our Founding Fathers believed that only humans born with a penis had the unalienable right to vote. An enlightened lot, they made no distinction as to size, which probably explains why each state has two senators. Alas, the human-as-chattel penis was black balled and denied the various “pursuit of happiness” activities that European Homo sapiens assumed were intrinsic privileges. Due to an overemphasis on Colossians 4:1, African slaves weren’t considered “we the people” when Tom Jefferson was mounting young Sally Hemmings. While it’s tempting to fantasize about owning slaves saddled with the onus of maintaining Chow Acre‘s Gothic ambience, I fear their daily productivity would cause Beloved to question the necessity of maintaining an in-hovel poet.

Had the original Sons of Liberty broke open chests of East India tea and soaked the leaves with freedom’s golden flow, today’s Million ’Moran’ March* would be a pungent affair, indeed. The appropriately named Dick Armey firing off the inaugural yellow salvo against white oppression is an inspirational image. Always the savvy merchandiser, I’m sure Beck would offer female bigots affordable “9-12” strap on bottles to squeeze at the next town hall putsch. It goes without saying that women peeing ala roadside ditch mode does not create visually charming propaganda. Perhaps Sarah Palin can take time away from writing “Pageant Walking with Flute” to practice upright pissing. Well known for her athleticism, the almost full term governor might be able to approximate the average Bubba’s streaming arc, further endearing herself to shirtless dip shits and the gals who love ’em.

*Dick’s army fell about 960,000 illiterates short of reaching one million. Better luck next apocalypse.

Juan Don