Admonishing the house boy for his lax work ethic is not how I like to begin another week in paradise. A soft touch, I overlook animal hair infestation and mounds of clutter as the hovel’s unintentional homage to 10th century Frankish feng shui. However, I’m picky about used cups littering my play station. Notoriously distracted, I never inspect the cup to see what’s in it before taking a drink. More than once I’ve become accidentally intoxicated from left over vanilla schnapps. It pains me that Hop Duck has been banished to the crawl space and into a stress position.
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It’s going to take some time to wade through day’s latest scandal: no, not the ‘bro’ handshake between President Obama and Dictator-for-Life Chavez. Newt Gingrich did a fine job on The Today Show sounding the alarm over that brief bit of tawdry leftist flesh pumping between two book reading yahoos. I gather Newt believes it’s more decorous to sneak up behind Angela Merkel and administer a head lock. Don’t misconstrue the last sentence and think that I’m poking fun at the former House Speaker’s phony pique. Without his career involvement in national politics the country wouldn’t have banned abortion, made public school prayer mandatory, defeated Islamo-fascism, set term limits, balanced the federal budget, eliminated earmarks, constructed a fool-proof missile shield defense system, established unprecedented economic prosperity for every American and renamed California Reaganland. If his face wasn’t so wide he’d replace Jefferson on the two dollar bill. Oh, and he writes goofy novels -- amazing he found the time to woo his latest wife:
He is a national treasure.
The scandal I’m zeroing in on involves Congresswoman Jane Harman (D-CA), ex-AG Alberto Gonzales, AIPAC (American Israeli Political Action Committee), at least one Israeli spy, J. Edgar Hoover style domestic wire-tapping, sordid quid pro quo and Billy Bob Thornton. All the ingredients for a Lynn Cheney pot boiler if Congresswoman Harman swings both ways.
Juan Don
Jasper, if that is really your name, do you always have to make up for the failings of the GOP? Reading your stuff, I might think Newt Gingrich was legit. And making prayer mandatory was a stroke of genius.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever seen pictures of his previous wives? Ouch. We are talking Brit Idol contestants.
Jane was once known as a Richard Handler, but we are keeping our hands clean now that the average antibiotics don't work for me.
Dear Jane,
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid my tender psyche won't allow me to view photos of the various incarnations of Mrs Gingrich. It's all I can do to deturd the litter box without making another nuisance call to the EPA. An old man, I find just moving about the hovel more than I can bear. If you know of any very cheap motorized wheel chairs, please sent me a smoke signal. Alas, the prospect of contracting swine flu has made trips to the toilet more frequent. I'm exhausted. And to add insult to injury, all day I thought it was Sunday!
Eternally confused,
Jasper