Silly me, I thought Pat Robertson had already ascended atop a dragon fly. I’m not sure which direction the winged insect was ferrying the blinky televangelist. Ignorant of New Testament scripture cool with murdering foreign heads of state, your guess is better than mine. But it’s pure conjecture: The well-heeled holy man is still standing on solid terra firma and milking the duds left behind. Please feel free to join his protest against Homeland Security’s recent bulletin concerning the threat of domestic right-wing terrorism: Flooding the department’s hotline with morally ubiquitous outrage doth honor the Lord.
Sophisticated Christians understand that “do unto others” is Jesus at his double entendre best. Reading between the lines is what separates savvy saddle backers from naïve agnostics. Pastor Richard Handler was instrumental in helping me grasp the preemptive meaning behind “do unto others” -- as in do unto others BEFORE they do unto you. Lacking his trained appreciation for the sardonic similarities between Jesus and Woody Allen, I’ll admit that getting the full comedic thrust of “turn the other cheek” is above my secular pay grade. Maybe one day I’ll see the light and join him in gut shaking laughter when he administers the punch line from Matthew 5: 38:45: “And now Ted Haggard is selling life insurance!” I’ve vaguely agreed to provide accordion accompaniment at the next Hallelujah! Praise! USA! USA! Freedom Assembly’s anti-humanist revival and cage fight competition.
I’m waiting to hear if Wolverine! can be substituted for Amen on those rare occasions when I find myself waiting for rambling pre-feast grace to end. Personal experience muttering flip asides prior to frantic bowl movements has forever ingrained the painful potential of swift Teutonic retaliation for vocalizing sacrilege against carved fowl before it has been properly blessed.
***********
Bored, I checked in to see what community blogger Mark Kinsley was promoting. He’s pleased that more than nine local tea baggers braved the sunny weather to display their toted dismay over our ‘foreign born’ commander-in-chief. Curiosity mingled with torpidity when I noticed several comments were attached to his PR work. One submitted by Darth (probably no relation to the Vader clan from Carterville) struck a nerve. Replying to Darth’s allegation that the tea parties were not organic in nature but synthetically-injected tantrums instigated by FreedomWorks and Fox News, Kinsley suggested that Darth ‘take off his tinfoil hat‘. His prodigious talent for trivia seems to have suffered a temporary brain fart: Darth wears a large plastic helmet.
Careless mistakes have been known to prompt fellow talk radio populists into on-air bouts of face slapping self-flagellation. To counter crazy conspiracy theories floating around about the recent publicity stunts, I humbly submit a suggestion:
Dear Zimmer Radio Group,
It is unfortunate that protests against high taxes and wasteful spending have been dismissed by the mainstream media as cynical ploys designed to pretend conservatives are stewards of fiscal responsibility. Had not Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac instigated the collapse of investment banking, the deregulated free market economy championed by the Bush Administration and Congressional Republicans would be humming right along; but what’s done is done. Thanks to ACORN and the undemocratic Electoral College, we now have a foreign community organizer intent on diverting our precious income into socialist programs, like education and affordable health care. (I get steamed knowing that cash for fixing President Reagan’s Strategic Defense Initiative will be wasted on new bridges and roads).
In all honestly, we have to admit that focusing attention on the federal income tax rate wasn’t the best example of Obama’s Marxist agenda. The case can be made for near-heroic cognitive dissonance when costumed patriots act out little hissy fits because they’re getting a tax cut. Let’s not squander another opportunity to entice three hundred thousand or so sore losers to decorate parking lots. Just because some genius decided “tea bagging” was a good idea doesn't mean another, better conceived, angle can't keep the kettle stirred. As Benjamin Franklin said, “Strike whilst the iron is hot!”
Here’s my idea: Waterboard station employees and other patriotic “War on Terror” volunteers. What could better demonstrate Obama’s insidious assault against national security than watching ordinary citizens enjoy the enhanced interrogation technique? Once it’s proven that waterboarding is as fun as shooting down a water slide, perhaps another three hundred thousand or so daredevils will make it harder for class warfare agitators to ridicule what real community organizing looks like.
Of course, waterboarding parties should be done in warm weather to maximize turnout.
Sincerely,
Juan Don
No comments:
Post a Comment