Speaking before a toasted breakfast gathering, Congressman Spencer Bachus (R-Ala) claimed seventeen members of the US House of Representatives receive taxpayer subsidized health care. He should know. An audible gasp was heard throughout The Yoked Dorking when Bachus dropped his eggshell. Diners confirmed the exclamation came from Donita Knotts; staring down at an extra set of dentures occupying space in her gravy bowl startled the retired lawn jockey sculptress. Luckily her biscuit survived the scare unscathed.
Rep. Bachus has yet to name the seventeen Socialists. Calls to his chief of staff requesting further clarification have not been returned. Because of a rare neurological condition known as Hewitt’s Disorder, the Congressman cannot be near electrical outlets without suffering from what is best described as illiterate Tourette’s. Reporters have long complained that covering Bachus requires demanding protocol: shouting questions up to his opened fourth floor office window. Exchanges invariable lead to the Congressman pointing to his ears and shaking his head.
When former Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson heard Bachus was threatening to expose elected officials secretly aligned with public libraries, fire departments and beret wearers, he expressed confidence that ‘Spence’ would limit his witch hunt to select pro-union representatives upset that “privatizing profit and socializing loss” places an unfair tax burden on American workers without free access to top-notch medical facilities.
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With all due respect, Allen Shirley should entitle his next op-ed submission The End of European North American Expansion: How Native American Tribes United to Defeat Manifest Destiny. He is inches away from Alice’s coveted rabbit hole. Simplifying Kierkegaard’s ‘Leap of Faith’ into March Hare bunny hops only strengthens his obvious grip on ideological detail. At least Shirley doesn’t end his oaken prose with “God wills it!” It’s always prudent to leave divine illumination in the hands of trained professionals.
John Putnam desperately needs to divert nickels from his scout troop's crusade against ecologically unsound lap dances and apply the change elsewhere -- such as basic internet access. His concern over President Obama’s origin of birth could then easily be laid to rest. Taking all of several seconds, I was able to view the birth certificate from the hovel’s fairly dry environ and temporarily assuage my nagging flirtation with conspiracy theories. Issued by the state of Hawaii, the certificate is numbered 151 1961- 010641.
And now I must finish coloring the eggs for what is sure to be a very soggy game of hide and seek.
Juan Don
Post script: The Easter punch was spot-on, as was Kyle Lohse’s pitching performance.
Mr Yellowman’s Word ‘O the Day: Obdurinate: Passing water on the tire of an occupied police car.
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