An undetermined number of Republicans are enjoying “Tea Party Woodstock”; placing those three words together just isn't right. Twelve years old when the original Woodstock spawned the porta-potty industry, my parents decided that I was too young to accept the freaky next door neighbor’s invitation to tag along. I fought back tears watching Shorty drive away in his camper-hearse.
Six years later, one of the hairier non-traditional students from my freshman orientation class captivated me and other pucca-shelled student union hipsters with vague recollections of his long weekend spent tripping on Max Yasgar’s farm. Mr. Mike compressed the iconic event into no food, hallucinations and mucky fucking. When asked about the music, he shrugged and shook his head.
The last time I saw Mr. Mike he was in the custody of campus security. But he looked happy.
Gathered outside Majority Leader Harry Reid’s hometown, Preparation H Woodstock has attracted top names in the pandering industry. Sarah Palin, fresh from helping shove John McCain’s reputation even further down the crapper, is flying in to shake her money maker. Sarah’s backup singers include Joe the Plumber, Andrew Breitbart and Newsmax sensation, Hannah Giles. Too bad Hannah’s partner is still sorting out his legal situation. I’m sure the mob would love to see James O’Keefe and Hannah reprise their classic rendition of “Moo Woo Woo” -- especially if wearing traditional Irish pimp and ’ho costumes.
Laura Meyers, a Las Vegas Review-Journal reporter, arrived early and filed this little peek into real America:
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Dave Alexander, a Las Vegas tour guide, was already selling souvenir T-shirts featuring a yellow-flag “Don’t Tread on Me” motto. It’s a Tea Party favorite.
“Sarah gave me the courage and the incentive to get off my La-Z-Boy recliner and stop cussing at the politicians on TV and start getting out and doing something,” said Alexander, smoking a cigarette and wearing a red, white and blue baseball cap. He said he would sleep on site in his Toyota Tundra double-cap pickup with a couple of friends. His lunch was spray cheese on Ritz crackers.
“We’ll be roughing it a bit, I guess,” he said.
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I almost forgot that Victoria Jackson is beaming in to share her social studies skill with Dave and fellow gourmets. The former SNL comedienne is best known for performing hand-stands while warbling. Oddly enough, this unique talent didn’t segue into silver screen stardom.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Cantor Banter
Last Thursday Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) announced that he was the victim of domestic terrorism. The Minority Whip said a bullet was fired into his congressional office. This shocking revelation, following numerous incidents of angry intimidation aimed at Democratic lawmakers, heightened an already tense environment. While Democrats complained of racial and sexual slurs, spit, faxed nooses, ad nauseam, Cantor upped the ante and insinuated that he had narrowly escaped an assassination attempt.
There is just one problem with his story: it was wildly exaggerated.
Several hours before the Minority Whip shared his chilling tale, Richmond police issued a report debunking Cantor’s claim that he was sniper bait. First of all, the unfortunate window was not attached to his congressional office, but to rental space he shares with three other lessees. There is no signing that indicates Cantor has any connection to the building. And about the bullet, it’s safe to conclude that Cantor was not the slug’s intended target. In fact, whoever fired the gun was pointing at the sky. The bullet, on its return flight, had just enough momentum to break glass, but couldn’t penetrate the window blinds. Essentially, Cantor’s “direct threat” was nothing more than a random act of careless “gun play” -- or spent celebratory brass from an Afghan wedding party.
Faced with defending (spinning) his boss’s fact-free rush-to-judgment, Cantor’s spokesman, Brad Dayspring, implied the congressman was relying on “information available at the time”. I guess neither Cantor nor his staff has internet access.
I like Steven Benen’s take: “But the defense doesn’t exactly make Cantor look good, either. The Minority Whip was so anxious to make it seem like violent threats are a problem for “both sides” that he, ahem, jumped the gun. He didn’t really know what he was talking about, but he nevertheless told reporters and America about a “threat” that didn’t exist. Many media outlets even bought into Cantor’s claim at face value, assuming that he wouldn’t say something like this if it weren’t true. For that matter, for a media desperate to characterize every ugly phenomenon as “bipartisan”, Cantor gave them what they wanted.
But it wasn’t true. Given the larger atmosphere, and the actual violence that’s already occurred, people in Cantor’s position have a responsibility not to be reckless with the truth. It’s a responsibility clearly and conveniently forgot at an important moment”.
_______________________________
I’m sure Glenn Beck will put his chalkboard to better use and provide his reclining army the straight dope.
There is just one problem with his story: it was wildly exaggerated.
Several hours before the Minority Whip shared his chilling tale, Richmond police issued a report debunking Cantor’s claim that he was sniper bait. First of all, the unfortunate window was not attached to his congressional office, but to rental space he shares with three other lessees. There is no signing that indicates Cantor has any connection to the building. And about the bullet, it’s safe to conclude that Cantor was not the slug’s intended target. In fact, whoever fired the gun was pointing at the sky. The bullet, on its return flight, had just enough momentum to break glass, but couldn’t penetrate the window blinds. Essentially, Cantor’s “direct threat” was nothing more than a random act of careless “gun play” -- or spent celebratory brass from an Afghan wedding party.
Faced with defending (spinning) his boss’s fact-free rush-to-judgment, Cantor’s spokesman, Brad Dayspring, implied the congressman was relying on “information available at the time”. I guess neither Cantor nor his staff has internet access.
I like Steven Benen’s take: “But the defense doesn’t exactly make Cantor look good, either. The Minority Whip was so anxious to make it seem like violent threats are a problem for “both sides” that he, ahem, jumped the gun. He didn’t really know what he was talking about, but he nevertheless told reporters and America about a “threat” that didn’t exist. Many media outlets even bought into Cantor’s claim at face value, assuming that he wouldn’t say something like this if it weren’t true. For that matter, for a media desperate to characterize every ugly phenomenon as “bipartisan”, Cantor gave them what they wanted.
But it wasn’t true. Given the larger atmosphere, and the actual violence that’s already occurred, people in Cantor’s position have a responsibility not to be reckless with the truth. It’s a responsibility clearly and conveniently forgot at an important moment”.
_______________________________
I’m sure Glenn Beck will put his chalkboard to better use and provide his reclining army the straight dope.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
sea change
The Hairdresser thinks I was too rough on Bart Stupak. After all, he did come around at the last minute and help push HCR past the finish line. Sorry. It’s not that I’m cold or stubborn (I'm actually a very malleable bundle of easy come, easy go) but coddling Bart’s particular religious beliefs should never trump the needs of Americans without health-care. Abortion is still legal in this country, contrary to what pro-life fetus defenders pretend. It’s not that I have anything against the fetus. I just follow the Constitution: a woman's uterus is HER OWN DAMN BUSINESS.
__________________________
I rarely laugh out loud, but John Boehner’s last minute pep talk to fellow House Republicans was a rare exception. Reminding them that a lot of people were watching C-SPAN, he cautioned his colleagues to “act like grown ups”. In other words: behave. One of the Minority Leader’s many responsibilities must be keeping class clowns in line. Maybe this is why Boehner chases Michele Bachmann around the Capitol with a paddle.
Yes, I know a net would be more appropriate.
___________________________
Several of the True Realization’s fellow travelers disagreed with my assessment that Tea Baggers were “Southern Strategy” Republicans in disguise; once again, sorry. The so-called movement’s incestuous relationship with Fox, talk radio and GOP funded front groups is too obvious. In fact, this is the last time I will ever write Tea Bagger. From now on every racial slur, every act of domestic violence and every glob of hateful spittle that comes from the mob’s mouth will be placed directly upon the RNC’s doorstep -- where it belongs. The days of 'plausible deniability' are over.
___________________________
It’s impossible to underestimate the historic legislative victory achieved by the president. The political wind no longer blows from the right side of the aisle. Republicans, establishing their brand as disingenuous and incompetent, are now stuck asking voters to choose the profits of heath-care insurers over personal well-being. Good luck with that.
Gregg Sargent: “The conventional wisdom inside the Beltway, which for so long held that Dems were courting political disaster if they passed reform, has suddenly swung violently in the other direction -- another reminder that when you win, people view you as, well, a winner”.
__________________________
I rarely laugh out loud, but John Boehner’s last minute pep talk to fellow House Republicans was a rare exception. Reminding them that a lot of people were watching C-SPAN, he cautioned his colleagues to “act like grown ups”. In other words: behave. One of the Minority Leader’s many responsibilities must be keeping class clowns in line. Maybe this is why Boehner chases Michele Bachmann around the Capitol with a paddle.
Yes, I know a net would be more appropriate.
___________________________
Several of the True Realization’s fellow travelers disagreed with my assessment that Tea Baggers were “Southern Strategy” Republicans in disguise; once again, sorry. The so-called movement’s incestuous relationship with Fox, talk radio and GOP funded front groups is too obvious. In fact, this is the last time I will ever write Tea Bagger. From now on every racial slur, every act of domestic violence and every glob of hateful spittle that comes from the mob’s mouth will be placed directly upon the RNC’s doorstep -- where it belongs. The days of 'plausible deniability' are over.
___________________________
It’s impossible to underestimate the historic legislative victory achieved by the president. The political wind no longer blows from the right side of the aisle. Republicans, establishing their brand as disingenuous and incompetent, are now stuck asking voters to choose the profits of heath-care insurers over personal well-being. Good luck with that.
Gregg Sargent: “The conventional wisdom inside the Beltway, which for so long held that Dems were courting political disaster if they passed reform, has suddenly swung violently in the other direction -- another reminder that when you win, people view you as, well, a winner”.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
the day the tea bag died
From the get-go “Tea Baggers” were poorly disguised Movement Conservatives pretending to be grass root populists. Staunch Bush-Cheney Republicans, they hid their party affiliation behind silly costumes and loathsome signs. Nothing but a toxic brew of shrill incoherence and blatant racism, it is a national disgrace that these ignorant sore losers were allowed one second of media attention. Even though “Tea Baggers” bore an uncanny resemblance to Rush Limbaugh’s ethnically diverse audience, too many in the media went out of their way to portray the remaining dregs of Reagan’s Revolution as an independent voice representing genuine fear over Big Government’s assault against super-sized value meals.
It’s time to call the “Tea Baggers” out for what they really are: Republicans. And since the Republican Party is now a wholly owned subsidiary of Fox & Rush Limbaugh, Inc., Republicans need to officially change their party’s name. Past association with socialists like Teddy Roosevelt and Dwight Eisenhower could entice a mob of “nigger” shouting, gun-toting “real” Americans into a flurry of spittle-fueled race baiting. Shots might be fired if a rifle-toting asshole found out Reagan raised taxes.
There is only one option left for the survivors of Jim DeMint’s Waterloo: Costa Rica.
I’m going to send the losing party’s chairman a terse email:
Hola!
How is President Obama’s hope and change working out for you?
Have no fear, my deaf amigo.
There are still mucho fancy mattresses to sell.
Juan Don
It’s time to call the “Tea Baggers” out for what they really are: Republicans. And since the Republican Party is now a wholly owned subsidiary of Fox & Rush Limbaugh, Inc., Republicans need to officially change their party’s name. Past association with socialists like Teddy Roosevelt and Dwight Eisenhower could entice a mob of “nigger” shouting, gun-toting “real” Americans into a flurry of spittle-fueled race baiting. Shots might be fired if a rifle-toting asshole found out Reagan raised taxes.
There is only one option left for the survivors of Jim DeMint’s Waterloo: Costa Rica.
I’m going to send the losing party’s chairman a terse email:
Hola!
How is President Obama’s hope and change working out for you?
Have no fear, my deaf amigo.
There are still mucho fancy mattresses to sell.
Juan Don
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Scam American & an ongoing concern
So far Sean Hannity has remained beneath the Cone of Silence in hopes that his less-than-charitable participation with Ollie North’s Freedom Alliance will fade from our media’s scandal obsessed radar screen. Because his audience of ill-informed ideologues receive their “information” exclusively from propaganda peddlers, Hannity can rely on the right’s well-oiled smear machine to mount an attack against Debbie Schlussel’s apostasy. Schlussel, no slouch in the wingnut department, committed the cardinal sin of exposing one her own. Worse yet, she provided evidence of Hannity’s below-board behavior: committing an act of blatant transparency does call into question Schlussel’s credibility.
But if Jupiter is aligned with Mars, skittish grifters may decide that edging away from Hannity qualifies as self-preservation -- assuming the scandal is fueled by further evidence of purulent misconduct. It’s one thing to take cash for personal appearances and ghost written books; it’s quite another to pretend money raised is earmarked for wounded soldiers and children. Keep in mind that should the usual suspects realize defending Hannity is counter-productive, it’s only because he was caught red handed. Every “Great American” knows that one bad apple spoils the whole barrel.
___________________________
I hope this is true: Democrats no longer need Bart Stupak’s vote. The C-Street disciple canceled his scheduled press conference this morning, creating buzz that his coalition is falling apart. Ezra Klein, providing real time updates, is reporting that Speaker Pelosi rejected Stupak’s insistence on a separate vote that would add further restrictions to the odious Hyde Amendment.
It should be clear to House leaders that Stupak was never going to support HCR. The Wisconsin saboteur has spent more time scheming with Republicans than working with colleagues. Still ___ votes short, a full-court press in on to woo the remaining uncommitted. Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-IL) is confident that Speaker Pelosi has the 216 votes without Stupak -- and what’s left of his bill-killing gang. Alas, there is no way to confirm Schakowsky’s optimism.
If President Obama signs an executive order reaffirming the bill’s current abortion funding restrictions, he has the blessing of key pro-choice Democrats. Klein believes that this extra layer of protection might allay the reelection fears of skittish Blue Dog fence-sitters. Ironically, the Blue Dogs worried about losing pro-life votes should be paying more attention to organized labor. The unions are making no bones about withholding campaign cash from defecting Democrats. In fact, they can expect to face a well-financed primary challenge.
Also known as Bart Stupak meets Connie Saltonstall.
It’s time for Merlot before shoveling spring snow.
But if Jupiter is aligned with Mars, skittish grifters may decide that edging away from Hannity qualifies as self-preservation -- assuming the scandal is fueled by further evidence of purulent misconduct. It’s one thing to take cash for personal appearances and ghost written books; it’s quite another to pretend money raised is earmarked for wounded soldiers and children. Keep in mind that should the usual suspects realize defending Hannity is counter-productive, it’s only because he was caught red handed. Every “Great American” knows that one bad apple spoils the whole barrel.
___________________________
I hope this is true: Democrats no longer need Bart Stupak’s vote. The C-Street disciple canceled his scheduled press conference this morning, creating buzz that his coalition is falling apart. Ezra Klein, providing real time updates, is reporting that Speaker Pelosi rejected Stupak’s insistence on a separate vote that would add further restrictions to the odious Hyde Amendment.
It should be clear to House leaders that Stupak was never going to support HCR. The Wisconsin saboteur has spent more time scheming with Republicans than working with colleagues. Still ___ votes short, a full-court press in on to woo the remaining uncommitted. Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-IL) is confident that Speaker Pelosi has the 216 votes without Stupak -- and what’s left of his bill-killing gang. Alas, there is no way to confirm Schakowsky’s optimism.
If President Obama signs an executive order reaffirming the bill’s current abortion funding restrictions, he has the blessing of key pro-choice Democrats. Klein believes that this extra layer of protection might allay the reelection fears of skittish Blue Dog fence-sitters. Ironically, the Blue Dogs worried about losing pro-life votes should be paying more attention to organized labor. The unions are making no bones about withholding campaign cash from defecting Democrats. In fact, they can expect to face a well-financed primary challenge.
Also known as Bart Stupak meets Connie Saltonstall.
It’s time for Merlot before shoveling spring snow.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
inching closer
House Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) is supporting HCR. Dennis, an unabashed liberal, was previously dead-set against the current bill: he believed it wasn’t strong enough. Dennis is in favor of the public option. And he’s right; a single-payer system is the best solution to fix the health-care crisis. Unfortunately, the deep pockets of special interest will not permit rational policy to trump greed. That’s the world we live in.
Kucinich’s acquiescence, accepting the reality that HCR is an historic first step in dragging America’s broken, over-priced and exclusionary disgrace into the 21st century, probably won’t have much sway over Democratic fence-sitters, as he was the last member of the Progressive Caucus to switch sides. According to Chris Bowers of Action Left, eight more are needed from the 15 undecided Reps to reach the magic number. A majority of the 15 come from Bart Stupak’s Roman Catholic coalition. Stupak (D-C Street) still objects to abortion language contained in the Senate bill. However, the fierce pro-lifer has difficulty keeping his facts straight. Specifically, Stupak’s objection over the use of taxpayer money to fund elective abortions is unfounded. The Catholic Health Organization -- representing 600 hospitals -- agrees:
“Despite false claims to the contrary, the Senate bill will not provide taxpayer funding for elective abortions. It will uphold longstanding conscience protections and it will make historic new investments in the support of pregnant women. This is a real pro-life stance, and we as Catholics are all for it.”
Dale Kildee (D-MI) offers a glimmer of hope that Stupak’s pro-life block is feeling the heat from pro-passage constituents. Kildee has peeled away, saying that voting for the bill in no way compromises his staunch pro-life stance. It’s telling that Stupak has gone to Fox and whined about how fellow Democrats are no longer kissing his ass, hoping he’ll do the right thing. The media spotlight placed on Stupak has revealed him to be a bad faith player with dubious connections. Good luck winning reelection, Bart.
And best wishes to all the Blue Dog Democrats come November -- assuming they aren’t defeated in the primary election.
Kucinich’s acquiescence, accepting the reality that HCR is an historic first step in dragging America’s broken, over-priced and exclusionary disgrace into the 21st century, probably won’t have much sway over Democratic fence-sitters, as he was the last member of the Progressive Caucus to switch sides. According to Chris Bowers of Action Left, eight more are needed from the 15 undecided Reps to reach the magic number. A majority of the 15 come from Bart Stupak’s Roman Catholic coalition. Stupak (D-C Street) still objects to abortion language contained in the Senate bill. However, the fierce pro-lifer has difficulty keeping his facts straight. Specifically, Stupak’s objection over the use of taxpayer money to fund elective abortions is unfounded. The Catholic Health Organization -- representing 600 hospitals -- agrees:
“Despite false claims to the contrary, the Senate bill will not provide taxpayer funding for elective abortions. It will uphold longstanding conscience protections and it will make historic new investments in the support of pregnant women. This is a real pro-life stance, and we as Catholics are all for it.”
Dale Kildee (D-MI) offers a glimmer of hope that Stupak’s pro-life block is feeling the heat from pro-passage constituents. Kildee has peeled away, saying that voting for the bill in no way compromises his staunch pro-life stance. It’s telling that Stupak has gone to Fox and whined about how fellow Democrats are no longer kissing his ass, hoping he’ll do the right thing. The media spotlight placed on Stupak has revealed him to be a bad faith player with dubious connections. Good luck winning reelection, Bart.
And best wishes to all the Blue Dog Democrats come November -- assuming they aren’t defeated in the primary election.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A meager swarm
Nate Silver, the best political pollster in the business, is “guardedly optimistic” that 216 House members will vote yes for HCR. I’d cross my fingers if such delicate manual dexterity was still possible. Thus far I’ve haven’t found one serious observer ready to wade the Rubicon and declare reform a done deal. And so I wait in puckered repose.
Dick Armey’s orchestrated assault on Capitol Hill will no doubt receive extensive news coverage. For some reason the corporate media enjoys transforming a gaggle of Tea Baggers into Joel’s Army. Using Texas-style mathematics, Village stenographers will add an additional six figures to a mob easily stuffed inside an average sized mega-church. A clever hack, Armey has removed references to the Republican Party’s generous supply of placarded outrage, lest a roving reporter’s tale of homegrown antipathy against affordable health-care be tainted by signs of RNC patronage.
I do like the “Ides of March” analogy uttered by Mark Sanford, South Carolina’s gallant Romeo. The image of toga-robed, knife wielding Senators saving the republic from an African Caesar’s attempt to reign in health-care costs is more colorful than anything J.D. Hayworth could whip up. Then again, J.D. might whip out another man-on-horse aberration to warn the “base” away from Obamacare. Lord knows what unnatural perversions Democrats have planned for Pop’s colonoscopy. Why right-wing grifters inject bestiality into political discourse is a question best left for abnormal psychology specialists.
At least Hayworth and Rick Santorum (Rick’s infatuated with man-on-dog coupling) omit sheep from their hairy harem. Thrusting out a wild poke, I suspect that probing an occasional ewe’s forbidden fruit is considered a rural perk among the “base’s” staunchest defenders of man-on-cousin coitus.
_______________________________
I’m placing CNN on my no-fly list. Disturbing at it was that the cable news channel paid for Glenn Beck’s loony tunes, hiring Erick Erickson is the final straw. I won’t delve into the gory details concerning Erik’s contribution to brain-dead punditry. Confident that all three Juan Don readers are up to speed on the moron’s seedy history, I’m spared spending time rehashing Erick’s greatest misses.
_______________________________
It appears that “Code Red” turnout was so small reporters were forced to guesstimate “hundreds” littered the Capital’s concrete. Although the national media is blessed with a healthy budget, justifying the expense of sending out camera crews to cover a “handful” can generate testy inter-office memos. Good thing Fox has canned footage of anti-war demonstrations to compliment hard news interviews with wandering stragglers.
Dick Armey’s orchestrated assault on Capitol Hill will no doubt receive extensive news coverage. For some reason the corporate media enjoys transforming a gaggle of Tea Baggers into Joel’s Army. Using Texas-style mathematics, Village stenographers will add an additional six figures to a mob easily stuffed inside an average sized mega-church. A clever hack, Armey has removed references to the Republican Party’s generous supply of placarded outrage, lest a roving reporter’s tale of homegrown antipathy against affordable health-care be tainted by signs of RNC patronage.
I do like the “Ides of March” analogy uttered by Mark Sanford, South Carolina’s gallant Romeo. The image of toga-robed, knife wielding Senators saving the republic from an African Caesar’s attempt to reign in health-care costs is more colorful than anything J.D. Hayworth could whip up. Then again, J.D. might whip out another man-on-horse aberration to warn the “base” away from Obamacare. Lord knows what unnatural perversions Democrats have planned for Pop’s colonoscopy. Why right-wing grifters inject bestiality into political discourse is a question best left for abnormal psychology specialists.
At least Hayworth and Rick Santorum (Rick’s infatuated with man-on-dog coupling) omit sheep from their hairy harem. Thrusting out a wild poke, I suspect that probing an occasional ewe’s forbidden fruit is considered a rural perk among the “base’s” staunchest defenders of man-on-cousin coitus.
_______________________________
I’m placing CNN on my no-fly list. Disturbing at it was that the cable news channel paid for Glenn Beck’s loony tunes, hiring Erick Erickson is the final straw. I won’t delve into the gory details concerning Erik’s contribution to brain-dead punditry. Confident that all three Juan Don readers are up to speed on the moron’s seedy history, I’m spared spending time rehashing Erick’s greatest misses.
_______________________________
It appears that “Code Red” turnout was so small reporters were forced to guesstimate “hundreds” littered the Capital’s concrete. Although the national media is blessed with a healthy budget, justifying the expense of sending out camera crews to cover a “handful” can generate testy inter-office memos. Good thing Fox has canned footage of anti-war demonstrations to compliment hard news interviews with wandering stragglers.
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