I prefer to think the vast majority of Joplin Globe op-ed participants are seventh graders struggling to complete a homework assignment. Because the paper’s online edition doesn’t provide photos or biographical background, it’s impossible to determine if they’re old enough to date. Not that age should be a determining requirement for submitting opinions. Carterville’s Wild Kyle Hole fathered twins before his twelfth birthday. His preteen peers -- saddled with lower levels of testosterone -- gaped in awe at Wild’s full beard; eyes were wide watching him shower after gym class. I’ll never forget the morning he jumped out of an opened third story window, nor can I erase Miss Drum’s reaction to such unexpected dare-deviltry. (Before she regained consciousness, Wild had scaled the slick bricks and was back in his seat enjoying Nurse Melvina’s frantic medieval resuscitation techniques).
Although it’s rare when twelve year olds are subpoenaed to testify in divorce court, at least three prepubescent Cartervillians were entangled in unsavory paternity suits; ten year old Bobby “Billy” Sackley was the target of late night pot shots fired by jealous truck drivers. There is strong evidence to suggest lead poisoning played a role. However, Kyle’s thick proliferation of pubic hair and freakishly abnormal sexual development can not be pinned entirely on severe plumbism: three generations of Holes all bore marked similarities to the mythical Yetti. Spending a disproportionate amount of their meager income on shaving cream and straight razors, natives gave the Hole family a wide berth when they rushed The Shamrock Café, tearing a new one in the popular Carp Tuesday buffet.
Colleen Hole, Wild’s youngest sister, could light matches off her chin stubble while being breast fed.
,
Unfamiliar with strip-mining’s toxic reach, perhaps a few lucky burgs were spared heavy metal contamination‘s dreadful assault on the orbital frontal cortex. Personal experience dictates that maternal relatives living on farms far removed from Carterville’s consumptive moonscape displayed greater facility with fireworks, as they never pointed Roman candles directly at family members or rolled M-80s beneath the picnic table where skittish great-aunts had gathered to escape Black Cat’s sulfuric machine gun pop. (I’m convinced that my youthful Independence Day indiscretions were never forgiven. While cousins received cash after completing rehab, I cornered the market on travel-sized Brut and military recruitment paraphernalia).
Once again, I’ve lost my train of thought.
Wait, something, something free-market…nope, it’s gone.
Juan Don
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
gawd's personal foul
Close but no cigar.
KSDK radio in St. Louis reported that Rush Limbaugh has been dropped by the bidding group negotiating to buy the Rams. “Dave Checketts said that while Limbaugh would have been only a limited partner with no role in the Rams’ operations, his involvement had been a distraction.”
I’d substitute distraction for disaster.
Tomorrow’s foray into broadcasting back country should be interesting. I’m confident his sheeple will call in offering conciliatory twangs and hooting outrage of gummy disgust. Reverse racial discrimination victims can share their horror stories of African Marxism, which, no doubt, has kept them from owning aluminum trailer skirting.
Feeling sprite, I might peek in on my Red State pards and see how Erick Erickson’s Trike Force is handling the news. So pissed off at Sen. Olympia Snowe’s traitorous behavior that they’re sending her…rock salt…in protest, who knows what bagged oddity awaits Commissioner Goodell: peat moss?
Juan Don
KSDK radio in St. Louis reported that Rush Limbaugh has been dropped by the bidding group negotiating to buy the Rams. “Dave Checketts said that while Limbaugh would have been only a limited partner with no role in the Rams’ operations, his involvement had been a distraction.”
I’d substitute distraction for disaster.
Tomorrow’s foray into broadcasting back country should be interesting. I’m confident his sheeple will call in offering conciliatory twangs and hooting outrage of gummy disgust. Reverse racial discrimination victims can share their horror stories of African Marxism, which, no doubt, has kept them from owning aluminum trailer skirting.
Feeling sprite, I might peek in on my Red State pards and see how Erick Erickson’s Trike Force is handling the news. So pissed off at Sen. Olympia Snowe’s traitorous behavior that they’re sending her…rock salt…in protest, who knows what bagged oddity awaits Commissioner Goodell: peat moss?
Juan Don
he doth protest too much
This musing is follow up to comments posted on The Erstwhile Conservative, Duane Graham’s ongoing contribution to Joplin area political dialogue.
Duane,
I’m curious as to whether or not Rush Limbaugh is serious when threatening to take legal action against those he feels have maliciously impugned his reputation. Limbaugh, who has made a fortune under the First Amendment’s wide protective net, is treading on thin ice when accusing critics of crossing the line.
The onus to prove criminal defamation is on the plaintiff. I find it hard to believe that after two decades of broadcasting racially insensitive remarks anyone would need to fabricate evidence of his congenital prejudice against minorities. Media Matters is just one website with myriad examples of the talk show host’s deleterious commentary.
Limbaugh’s defense when cornered on an especially intolerant remark is that he’s first and foremost a satirist. As an acknowledged expert in Limbaughnics, you know he has always played this card if caught exposing too much leg; it’s his perpetual enemies who don’t get the sophisticated drift because they’re blinded by liberal indoctrination. Of course, only like-minded conservatives have evolved beyond identity politics and are freed from bigotries divisive pull. He is merely using ‘humor’ to prove his point that it’s the Democrat Party that is obsessed with race. Why else would liberals bemoan such hilarity as “Barack the Magic Negro?”
Closer to the issue in question -- Limbaugh’s interest in buying a piece of the Rams -- was this ‘satirical' jibe he made in 2007: “The NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons.”
It’s strange that Al Michaels hasn’t stolen his brilliant quip. At least then Limbaugh could claim plagiarism.
Thinking about libel brought up memories of Oscar Wilde’s tragic case. Trevor Fisher's: Oscar and Bosie: A Fatal Passion is a fascinating read detailing the sad consequences when plaintiff becomes respondent. The upshot is that one should never sue when guilty of ‘slanderous’ accusations. Although Limbaugh’s behavior isn’t criminal (neither was Wilde’s: Victoria’s England shares striking similarities to Inhofe’s Oklahoma), losing in court wouldn’t be in the propagandist’s best interest -- how can one besmirch a reputation that doesn’t exist?
Juan Don
Duane,
I’m curious as to whether or not Rush Limbaugh is serious when threatening to take legal action against those he feels have maliciously impugned his reputation. Limbaugh, who has made a fortune under the First Amendment’s wide protective net, is treading on thin ice when accusing critics of crossing the line.
The onus to prove criminal defamation is on the plaintiff. I find it hard to believe that after two decades of broadcasting racially insensitive remarks anyone would need to fabricate evidence of his congenital prejudice against minorities. Media Matters is just one website with myriad examples of the talk show host’s deleterious commentary.
Limbaugh’s defense when cornered on an especially intolerant remark is that he’s first and foremost a satirist. As an acknowledged expert in Limbaughnics, you know he has always played this card if caught exposing too much leg; it’s his perpetual enemies who don’t get the sophisticated drift because they’re blinded by liberal indoctrination. Of course, only like-minded conservatives have evolved beyond identity politics and are freed from bigotries divisive pull. He is merely using ‘humor’ to prove his point that it’s the Democrat Party that is obsessed with race. Why else would liberals bemoan such hilarity as “Barack the Magic Negro?”
Closer to the issue in question -- Limbaugh’s interest in buying a piece of the Rams -- was this ‘satirical' jibe he made in 2007: “The NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons.”
It’s strange that Al Michaels hasn’t stolen his brilliant quip. At least then Limbaugh could claim plagiarism.
Thinking about libel brought up memories of Oscar Wilde’s tragic case. Trevor Fisher's: Oscar and Bosie: A Fatal Passion is a fascinating read detailing the sad consequences when plaintiff becomes respondent. The upshot is that one should never sue when guilty of ‘slanderous’ accusations. Although Limbaugh’s behavior isn’t criminal (neither was Wilde’s: Victoria’s England shares striking similarities to Inhofe’s Oklahoma), losing in court wouldn’t be in the propagandist’s best interest -- how can one besmirch a reputation that doesn’t exist?
Juan Don
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Tuesday's Weld
Needling online comments stacked beneath Allen Shirley’s doggerel suggest the serial bore fails to impress locals with internet access. You’d think the paper could find a fresher mule* to haul stale trumpery. Slater’s god only knows what water hazard Shirley laps from before scrawling thick pencil marks upon Big Chief’s pre-lined tablet.
Oh well. Perhaps a bidding war between The Globe and The Big Nickel will entice Shirley to replace his divots inside another publication. Should The Big Nickel win (and why not?), savvy used car shoppers could amuse themselves with Short Bus Soliloquies before getting down to more serious business.
*Please note that just one lame drug dealing inference was exploited by the soiled sweats wearing eccentric.** There is no reason to assume that a professional pill peddler would break the pusher’s cardinal rule: Never get high on your own supply.
_______________________
Extending the ’getting high on your own supply’ tangent for a moment, I’m listening to El Rushbo explain why his storied career in race-baiting should not be misconstrued as blatant bigotry. Because the shrinking gasbag never, ever talks about himself, media attention has focused on his interest in purchasing a piece of the St. Louis Rams. His connection to the bidding syndicate in question would have come out sooner or later, but it was Fuzzball who first broke the story -- the kook can’t control his impulse to remind sheeple how much money he’s parked offshore.
(Without besmirching Graceland’s holy allure, I’d wager 13 pesos that dittoheads will one day stand in line to visit Limbaugh’s lush Palm Beach compound. Dumbfounded pilgrims gazing in opened mouthed amazement are a fitting tribute to dope-induced American exceptionalism).
_________________________
I wonder if Fox News will point their impartial horse whip in Gov. Rick Perry’s general direction. A sordid drama involving arson, capital punishment and dead children should be right up Glenn Beck’s alley. If you can’t huff Vaporub and cry over burnt babies, what can a patriot pretend to bawl about? Let’s take a moment and review the list of conservative Republican politicians the cable channel has skewered over the years.
……………………………..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
All apologies if I left some out.
**Normally, eccentric is preceded by reckless -- as in ‘the reckless eccentric fucked up another riding mower’.
Juan Don
Oh well. Perhaps a bidding war between The Globe and The Big Nickel will entice Shirley to replace his divots inside another publication. Should The Big Nickel win (and why not?), savvy used car shoppers could amuse themselves with Short Bus Soliloquies before getting down to more serious business.
*Please note that just one lame drug dealing inference was exploited by the soiled sweats wearing eccentric.** There is no reason to assume that a professional pill peddler would break the pusher’s cardinal rule: Never get high on your own supply.
_______________________
Extending the ’getting high on your own supply’ tangent for a moment, I’m listening to El Rushbo explain why his storied career in race-baiting should not be misconstrued as blatant bigotry. Because the shrinking gasbag never, ever talks about himself, media attention has focused on his interest in purchasing a piece of the St. Louis Rams. His connection to the bidding syndicate in question would have come out sooner or later, but it was Fuzzball who first broke the story -- the kook can’t control his impulse to remind sheeple how much money he’s parked offshore.
(Without besmirching Graceland’s holy allure, I’d wager 13 pesos that dittoheads will one day stand in line to visit Limbaugh’s lush Palm Beach compound. Dumbfounded pilgrims gazing in opened mouthed amazement are a fitting tribute to dope-induced American exceptionalism).
_________________________
I wonder if Fox News will point their impartial horse whip in Gov. Rick Perry’s general direction. A sordid drama involving arson, capital punishment and dead children should be right up Glenn Beck’s alley. If you can’t huff Vaporub and cry over burnt babies, what can a patriot pretend to bawl about? Let’s take a moment and review the list of conservative Republican politicians the cable channel has skewered over the years.
……………………………..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
All apologies if I left some out.
**Normally, eccentric is preceded by reckless -- as in ‘the reckless eccentric fucked up another riding mower’.
Juan Don
Friday, October 9, 2009
The Naked and the Wet
Be still my beating heart. Various sources are saying that Levi Johnston will pose nude for Playgirl magazine. Good for Levi. He might as well join his estranged almost in-laws and cash in the time sensitive Wal-Mart gift card. A glossy spread featuring Levi’s johnson is sure to warm the bristly cockles of Andrew Sullivan’s gay Tory beard.
I’ll treasure the pin up. There is a marred ocher space awaiting the photo in the hovel’s small trophy room, where other Scotch-taped mementos silently absorb the Peterson’s blended emissions.
…after an appropriate pregnant pause…
Double dog drat. Levi is not going to air out the todger. A semi-modest stud, he’ll limit public nudity to bare butt cheeks. This is a major disappointment. Although I’m reasonably sure Levi is blessed with hard marbled ass, thanks to ice hockey’s strenuous physical demands, D list celebrities dropping ‘trou’ is common fare. I believe Andy Dick’s website is nothing but digital pics of late-night moon shots.
Should Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann agree to reprise classic black bra and panties catfight for free-market wampum, I’ll tape their titillating shoot next to Betty Page‘s hallowed shrine. Human Events could use the ensuing buzz to broaden the rag’s appeal.
______________________
The mad howling you hear is Fox News’ reaction to President Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I wonder how Dianne Slater will celebrate our Kenyan-in-chief’s unexpected honor. I gather from her recent published acid reflux she won’t be joining Democrat/Nazi party members goose-stepping about in flaming torchlight salute, draining steins while unedited Bibles smolder atop other leather bound bonfire fodder. I’m guessing Ms. Slater’s plans are more subdued: attacking bacon/cheese ball with mephitic gusto.
_______________________
Because of an unexpected splash of splendid weather, Adler suggested we accompany our canoes down to Dino’s this afternoon. He’s certain that no federal funding was allocated to ensnare tipsy water rats. Always erring on the side of paranoia, I’ll bribe Hippy Jim with appropriate contraband to be my designated paddle. This way I can fully appreciate the ride without worrying if sneaky creek cops are lurking behind impromptu tree dams. Securely strapped to the sturdy Coleman cooler, I know Adler will waste no time coming to the rescue if Coleman is swept into the surging brown current. He is nothing if not level headed.
Juan Don
I’ll treasure the pin up. There is a marred ocher space awaiting the photo in the hovel’s small trophy room, where other Scotch-taped mementos silently absorb the Peterson’s blended emissions.
…after an appropriate pregnant pause…
Double dog drat. Levi is not going to air out the todger. A semi-modest stud, he’ll limit public nudity to bare butt cheeks. This is a major disappointment. Although I’m reasonably sure Levi is blessed with hard marbled ass, thanks to ice hockey’s strenuous physical demands, D list celebrities dropping ‘trou’ is common fare. I believe Andy Dick’s website is nothing but digital pics of late-night moon shots.
Should Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann agree to reprise classic black bra and panties catfight for free-market wampum, I’ll tape their titillating shoot next to Betty Page‘s hallowed shrine. Human Events could use the ensuing buzz to broaden the rag’s appeal.
______________________
The mad howling you hear is Fox News’ reaction to President Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I wonder how Dianne Slater will celebrate our Kenyan-in-chief’s unexpected honor. I gather from her recent published acid reflux she won’t be joining Democrat/Nazi party members goose-stepping about in flaming torchlight salute, draining steins while unedited Bibles smolder atop other leather bound bonfire fodder. I’m guessing Ms. Slater’s plans are more subdued: attacking bacon/cheese ball with mephitic gusto.
_______________________
Because of an unexpected splash of splendid weather, Adler suggested we accompany our canoes down to Dino’s this afternoon. He’s certain that no federal funding was allocated to ensnare tipsy water rats. Always erring on the side of paranoia, I’ll bribe Hippy Jim with appropriate contraband to be my designated paddle. This way I can fully appreciate the ride without worrying if sneaky creek cops are lurking behind impromptu tree dams. Securely strapped to the sturdy Coleman cooler, I know Adler will waste no time coming to the rescue if Coleman is swept into the surging brown current. He is nothing if not level headed.
Juan Don
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
probably not taught at OCC
I see where embryonic eyes have discovered that the blog has a convenient e-mail attachment. This design flaw is unfortunate. However, I have very recently discovered that I can preemptively delete incoming stink bombs. If only the litter box was as sophisticated as Google software.
Because I have nothing better to do, I’ll respond to one critic who obviously shares my unhealthy fascination with unfocused malaise.
Yes, I know Paul was not an original disciple: He arrived after the Summer of Love was corrupted by crass commercial exploitation. Casting away his old square self after a particularly powerful trip, Paul made up for lost time by collaborating with Peter and Mary. (Did you know that Peter, Paul and Mary released an album with Andrew? The succinctly entitled PPM &A produced one top ten hit, “Leaving on a Fast Ass”). Alas, Paul’s misogynistic behavior became too much for Mary. During a tense pre-gig sound check Mary finally confronted Paul over what she suspected was his repressed homosexuality. Paul erupted and grabbed Mary, inadvertently yanking off her long hair extension. Shocked and embarrassed, Mary fled the stage in tears. Peter, looking for an opportunity to ditch the volatile Paul and reform the group as a duo, took swift action. Although Peter vehemently denied using Paul’s suspected sexual orientation against his band mate, Pharisee Records founder Mannie Goldberg’s homophobia was well known among the Judea folk/rock community. Citing creative differences as the impetus for Paul’s sudden exodus, the March III A.D. issue of Rolling Boulder magazine published their label’s brief press release:
____________________________________________________________________________________
“There is no truth to rumors that internal dissension played a role in the breakup. The decision to disband was amicable and the result of much soul searching. Sadly, situations beyond their control have made concluding the tour impossible.
Paul Tarsus has long expressed a desire to pursue solo projects. Peter and Mary wish him well on his next artistic adventure, and offer their full support.
Peter and Mary will perform under a new name, Zager and Evans".
_____________________________________________________________________________________
The rest is history. Paul moved to Corinth and discovered a knack for writing fiction. Known today as the Jewish Proust, his work is widely regarded as the model for late 20th century situational comedy.
Juan Don
Because I have nothing better to do, I’ll respond to one critic who obviously shares my unhealthy fascination with unfocused malaise.
Yes, I know Paul was not an original disciple: He arrived after the Summer of Love was corrupted by crass commercial exploitation. Casting away his old square self after a particularly powerful trip, Paul made up for lost time by collaborating with Peter and Mary. (Did you know that Peter, Paul and Mary released an album with Andrew? The succinctly entitled PPM &A produced one top ten hit, “Leaving on a Fast Ass”). Alas, Paul’s misogynistic behavior became too much for Mary. During a tense pre-gig sound check Mary finally confronted Paul over what she suspected was his repressed homosexuality. Paul erupted and grabbed Mary, inadvertently yanking off her long hair extension. Shocked and embarrassed, Mary fled the stage in tears. Peter, looking for an opportunity to ditch the volatile Paul and reform the group as a duo, took swift action. Although Peter vehemently denied using Paul’s suspected sexual orientation against his band mate, Pharisee Records founder Mannie Goldberg’s homophobia was well known among the Judea folk/rock community. Citing creative differences as the impetus for Paul’s sudden exodus, the March III A.D. issue of Rolling Boulder magazine published their label’s brief press release:
____________________________________________________________________________________
- Pharisee Records spokesman Abe MacAbee confirmed reports that Peter, Paul and Mary have cancelled their “Too Much of Nothing” tour.
“There is no truth to rumors that internal dissension played a role in the breakup. The decision to disband was amicable and the result of much soul searching. Sadly, situations beyond their control have made concluding the tour impossible.
Paul Tarsus has long expressed a desire to pursue solo projects. Peter and Mary wish him well on his next artistic adventure, and offer their full support.
Peter and Mary will perform under a new name, Zager and Evans".
_____________________________________________________________________________________
The rest is history. Paul moved to Corinth and discovered a knack for writing fiction. Known today as the Jewish Proust, his work is widely regarded as the model for late 20th century situational comedy.
Juan Don
Monday, October 5, 2009
The Better Jesus
This is interesting. A group called The Conservative Bible Project has decided that the word of God is too liberal and in need of cutting edge societal evolution. Because there is no severe weather alert, the devil’s workshop is open for business.
****The new and improved conservative Jesus****
_________________________________
And The Lord spoke at great length on the evils of progressive taxation. When He finished, Thomas raised his hand. “But Master, didn’t you say render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s?”
“Thomas, Thomas, Thomas”, said Jesus. “Would you be party to liberal media lies? You know how the Jerusalem Times likes to reprint my parables word for word, and then accuse me of hypocrisy and falsehoods. Haven’t I told you, each of you, about how ideologically pure propaganda works?”
The Lord pointed toward Luke. “What’s my current accuracy rating?”
“Ninety eight point seven percent“, said Luke.
The Lord smiled and lighted a nice cigar. “Okay, who’s up for a quick round of golf before supper?”
_________________________________
And The Lord was on a roll. After teasing Paul for wearing girly sandals, He gathered his disciples about him.
“Look, you all know how I feel about queers. There’s no greater abomination than man lying with man. It’s no different than lying with dog, sheep or ass. Why is Paul laughing? Come on, I’m trying to be serious. It’s just creepy. What? Speak up, James. How do I feel about woman lying with woman? You know, for some reason that doesn’t bother me.”
__________________________________
Jesus led myrrh baggers into the olive grove and blessed their signs. Many brandished spears and this pleased The Lord. He told the myrrh baggers that illegal aliens could not enter the Kingdom of Heaven and warned of socialized medicine defiling sacred capitalism. To strike home His point, The Lord only healed those able to pay in cash.
___________________________________
John informed Jesus that Lazarus had died again (he was accident prone) and said the family was anxious for Him to repeat another miracle. The Lord listened quietly. While turning water into an excellent chardonnay, pausing occasionally to swirl the fruity wine, He replied, “Do I look like a co-dependent?”
Juan Don
****The new and improved conservative Jesus****
_________________________________
And The Lord spoke at great length on the evils of progressive taxation. When He finished, Thomas raised his hand. “But Master, didn’t you say render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s?”
“Thomas, Thomas, Thomas”, said Jesus. “Would you be party to liberal media lies? You know how the Jerusalem Times likes to reprint my parables word for word, and then accuse me of hypocrisy and falsehoods. Haven’t I told you, each of you, about how ideologically pure propaganda works?”
The Lord pointed toward Luke. “What’s my current accuracy rating?”
“Ninety eight point seven percent“, said Luke.
The Lord smiled and lighted a nice cigar. “Okay, who’s up for a quick round of golf before supper?”
_________________________________
And The Lord was on a roll. After teasing Paul for wearing girly sandals, He gathered his disciples about him.
“Look, you all know how I feel about queers. There’s no greater abomination than man lying with man. It’s no different than lying with dog, sheep or ass. Why is Paul laughing? Come on, I’m trying to be serious. It’s just creepy. What? Speak up, James. How do I feel about woman lying with woman? You know, for some reason that doesn’t bother me.”
__________________________________
Jesus led myrrh baggers into the olive grove and blessed their signs. Many brandished spears and this pleased The Lord. He told the myrrh baggers that illegal aliens could not enter the Kingdom of Heaven and warned of socialized medicine defiling sacred capitalism. To strike home His point, The Lord only healed those able to pay in cash.
___________________________________
John informed Jesus that Lazarus had died again (he was accident prone) and said the family was anxious for Him to repeat another miracle. The Lord listened quietly. While turning water into an excellent chardonnay, pausing occasionally to swirl the fruity wine, He replied, “Do I look like a co-dependent?”
Juan Don
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