The last time I posted frozen snow blanketed the ground. Two months later oak pollen is thick, grass is high and Ryan Franklin has already blown four saves. And people ask me why I drink. I’m going to instigate a frank discussion with the Cardinal’s front office: If Franklin stays I want $300 -per-month to cover my liquor bill. Had I followed sound advice, a law degree would come in handy when enhancing a clear-cut case of emotional distress with personal injury. (There are infinite ways a drunk can hurt himself if surrounded by sneaky cats).
Ah, politics. What a steaming pile of horse shit our public discourse has become. I wish the fascists on the right would just cut to the chase: Let poor people die and force the middle-class into indentured servitude.
Candy Crowley: Congressman, left-wing radicals are up in arms at your proposal to kill everyone making under $30,000 a year. Even some billionaires are worried about the lack of fast food employees, trash collectors...basically all those losers who do things we’d never do.
Congressman Ryan: Well, Candy, killing a large segment of the population puts those of real economic value on the path to prosperity. America can only become the nation it never was if the rich can force skilled laborers and service providing professionals to work for peanuts. Our Founding Fathers wouldn’t know the Social Contract from a micro-wave oven. Think about it, large areas of unsightly housing could be burned and then turned into golf courses and private parks. There would be no health care crisis. Why? Mooches and deadbeats are dead! And it would be the employer’s decision to offer medical care. If the employee generated cash flow or didn’t complain about their squalid conditions, maybe he or she might receive life-saving treatment. Of course, Social Security and every other entitlement program would be axed immediately after we take back America. Employees would get to keep every penny they earn -- except for those who live in company owned houses and obtain their food from company stores. So much a month would be automatically deducted from their paychecks to pay for these perks. My favorite proposal allows those who feel confined by traditional roofed housing to live in tents; the more gastronomically adventurous could save money by foraging.
By the way, page six of my proposal allows for a contingent of white boys and girls with good teeth to work in fast food, wait on tables, pump gas, etc. We’re not depriving wealth-producing Americans of their Happy Meals.
Crowley: Rabid liberals have denounced your program to rid the country of Mexicans, those of Mexican descent twice removed and all blacks not in professional sports or the entertainment industry. Pro-homosexual churches....
Ryan: Wait, wait a second, Candy. It’s a lie that my plan would forcibly expatriate Mexicans twice removed. I want to set the record straight on that.
Crowley: What about Asians and Native Americans?
Ryan: I love sweet and sour pork, and the Native American community is essential for maintaining lucrative kick backs via their casino gambling operations. Since the rich pay no taxes, local officials where casinos are located can pocket ten percent of the take. That will save the Koch Brothers from writing unnecessary checks.
Crowley: What about the millions and millions of dead bodies?
Ryan: I’ve factored that in, Candy. British Petroleum and Halliburton have agreed to collect and then dump the corpses in the Gulf of Mexico. Prison labor will do the collecting. After Phase One is complete, the criminals will be pushed out of airplanes during an invitation-only Fourth of July celebration. Oh, and The Club for Growth will finance the killings through another Wall Street orchestrated credit default swap scandal.
Crowley: Thank you, Congressman.
Ryan: My pleasure.
