pale faces

Silly me, I forgot sore losers were gathering to protest tax cuts. Because an unfortunate seven iron-to-bald spot mishap triggers strange bouts of memory loss, I missed out on an opportunity to show off my carefully lettered sign and Old Glory poncho. Wordy when wielding a Magic Marker (I really like the way they smell), mine says: Although my grandparents are dead, they’d never live to see their only grandson master screen patio door repair now that ‘Obamacare’ has debauched our glorious, God-given health-care racket…free kittens to good homes.

Captain Putnam, garbed in what appeared to be a mismatched “Barry Lyndon” costume, obviously shares my penchant for exhibitionism. It’s not every day that someone with an English riding boot fetish can flash their leathery kink without attracting recusant looks from real Christian conservatives. At least the gentleman’s costume did not include black fishnet stockings. There is no tricorn hat in the world that can offset the unsettling image of Thomas Jefferson in drag. The very thought of Tom dressed as saucy 18th century strumpet is enough to curdle this pagan’s cream. I’m teasing, of course: the bespectacled emcee is not clever enough to meld Revolutionary War fantasies with Marlene Dietrich’s Weimar Germany. This is just a guess, but I suppose even gullible Beckerheads would have trouble keeping a straight face if the master of ceremonies conducted the confusing affair in ass-less chaps and “Don’t Tread on Me” nipple rings.

Yes, it’s true my invisible friend -- who is “conservative but smart as hell to boot”* -- Sarah Palin poured into ass-less chaps, her saggy mammary glands adorned with nipple rings, would most certainly entice me to shake my sock monkey. But then again, Beloved’s Lands' End swim suit teaser provides enough erotica to redirect blood flow to an area best described as the Dead Sea. Due to an unfortunate incident involving Victoria’s Secret and double espresso, my urologist suggested I refrain from opening mail unattended.

It was thoughtful of Jasper County Republicans to offer W. Cleon Skouen’s contribution to tinfoil origami. Although William Luther Pierce, author of “The Turner Diaries”, is a better writer, Skouen’s work is more compatible with Glenn Beck’s post-Dixie revisionism.

*Anson Burlingame occasionally commits an unwitting act of transparency.