signs of cultural demise

Savannah Samson is bemoaning the lack of decent dialogue and compelling plots offered to adult film stars. Her complaint is echoed by other entertainment specialists, disappointed in flaccid scripts that fail to exploit the full depths of their acting abilities. As proof of our declining culture, Ally Katt and Monty Crisco are no longer required to emote; the pony tailed guy holding the video camera isn’t trained to capture the crisp northern light so Ally’s full back tattoo shimmers like octopi ink against pale Posturepedic. Although my porn library is small enough to ditch on a moment’s notice, I have, on occasion, found myself bemused by an obvious story line flaw.

During my stint mailing in unsolicited movie reviews to The Carterville Slag, I penciled this critique of “Yankee Doodle Candy”.

Far from achieving a satisfying heureux denouement, director E. Z. Duzzit’s latest offering lacks his previous attention to detail. It stretches the limits of verisimilitude when Candy’s Ford Escort leaves Los Angeles and arrives in Manila without stopping to refuel near Talofofo, Guam. Had she wheeled a Honda Civic across the Pacific, then I might have forgiven the logistical faux pas. Sadly, the flick’s climactic money shot misses the mark because of Duzzit’s unfamiliarity with that particular model’s lousy gas mileage and poorly sealed windows. Yes, I’m picky. But damn it, driving from LA to Manila in a car incapable of making the trip insults my intelligence.

Compounding this egregious oversight, newcomer Misty Hole’s distracting gum chewing spoils Duzzit’s most compelling intercourse scene since “Last Bango in Maris”. Assuming Miss Hole was sober during taping, blowing bubbles in the shower mocks the genre’s perfunctory assumption that the target audience is agile enough to attempt such slippery maneuvers and avoid an embarrassing encounter with paramedics. Fortunately, P. Kakes solo performance with ripe vegetables saved the video from tawdry camp and assures her status as porn’s least inhibited exhibitionist.

Ron Jeremy was, as always, an unpleasant intrusion into what had been a tender Sapphic moment between Candy and Chiquita, the flighty restroom attendant.

Juan Don