Bluff Daze

I was advised by Dr. Benway to take it easy. The past several weeks have been rough on Hop Ling, my hovel boy and liquor gofer. Transforming the office into a shoddy imitation of Empress Alexandria’s mauve boudoir, I’ve convalesced in what can best be described as pre-revolutionary torpor. It has been a trying time. Physically unable to drip orange juice into dark rum, I fear the improper amount of citrus impedes my ability to fully appreciate Glenn Beck’s patriotic race baiting. Yesterday, I lapsed into restless sleep before the third Gold Line commercial, dreaming that I was an Egyptian slave chiseling Rush Limbaugh’s likeness atop a towering limestone vial of Oxycontin. To add insult to injury, later in the day I thought Roy Blunt was disguised as the Pizza Hut delivery driver out to settle an old score; my sincere apologies. Thanks to Allen Shirley’s tireless devotion to low cost, privatized health care, expensive yellow pills magically transform Mark Levine’s squealing rants into buttery offal before drifting off into pharmaceutically induced oblivion -- where I’m pretty sure Peggy Noonan and I slow dance.

Allowed only a few moments of internet access each day, I have to carefully edit my browsing. Addicted to the Globe’s daily editorial, Geoff Caldwell’s dim corner is relegated to the same existential fate as Stephen Baldwin's blog: There just isn’t enough time to taste the full array of online cyber-fruit. Usually in complete agreement with whoever writes the editorials, I was chagrined by the wishy-washy tenor of Tuesday’s offering. Of course, Officer Crowley had every right to arrest the uppity Gates. However, just cuffing the mouthy black agitator on his front porch was entirely too lax for the crime in question. The cop had every right to tase the perp; maybe administer an official kick in the ribs or two. And because Gates was armed with a cane, he’s damned lucky shots weren’t fired.
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In honor of local radio pitchman Mark Kinsley’s decision to enter the political fray, I’m loosening Hop Ling's wrist restraints. It’s the least I can do.

Juan Don