chelsea's revenge or karma's bitchslap

Dear Juan,

This question has been bothering me for a long time: Is Geoff Caldwell retarded? I can’t tell from the little photo on his blog. Not that it makes any difference on how I plan to vote. Just because someone is retarded doesn’t mean they can’t love their country and hate Obama. Am I even supposed to use the word retarded? Or will liberals take offense? My husband thinks the paper has a program where “special needs” people can pretend they're writing something.

Curious in Granby

Dear Curious,

Sorry for the delayed response. The Old Hide and I have had one hell of a time finding a school for Gomez, the mail carrier’s youngest son. Only teasing. Even though Gomez has red hair and green eyes, I must keep believing that there’s a Leprechaun squatting somewhere in the Don family chaparral. Because three clinical child psychologists labeled Gomez a “chronic pyromaniac with homicidal tendencies,” we can’t find a kindergarten teacher willing to roll the dice. Unless there’s an action junkie in our immediate future, it looks like Gomez is learning his ABCs from “Deadwood” DVDs.

I’d need to watch Caldwell bowl or operate a hot charcoal grill before pronouncing him retarded. It’s hard to tell from the photograph. Perhaps his dense expression was caused by an accidental exposure to reality seconds before the picture was snapped. But his angry, confused prose is obviously the work of a maladjusted mind. Caldwell’s muddled cognitive dissonance is common among people classified as slow. The slow (or Hannitized) can’t understand basic cause and effect scenarios, such as taxes generate governmental revenue or borrowing Chinese money to invade the wrong country is a poor expenditure of limited capital. Those afflicted with this particular mental defect are unnaturally drawn to authoritarian figures. This explains why Dittoheads believe outlandish fabrications from dissimulating grifters. A recent study conducted by the Cleese Institute revealed that long term listeners to talk radio can hear dog whistles, while those engaged in productive activities were deaf to high-pitched frequencies. Unfortunately, the research was discontinued: An alarming number of Dittoheads suffered serious spinal cord injuries from repeated attempts to lick their junk.

To answer your question, no I don’t believe Caldwell is retarded. I’d go with Hannitized.

Because I’m from Carterville, using the word retarded to describe someone is often considered a compliment, so I’m not up to speed on what liberals consider an appropriate, politically correct designation for the mentally handicapped. I’d experiment with variations of developmentally challenged. Or you could make up a word. My father was fond of skeeterbrained when explaining my childhood peccadilloes to annoyed neighbors.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure the paper received a generous Koch endowment that stipulates all editorial writing must be attempted by locals with certified Intelligence Quotient scores no higher than 90 and no lower than 65. Rumor has it the Chamber of Commerce threw a ruckus after their candidate failed to meet the minimum requirement.