Congratulations on having more free time than yours truly. I’m jealous. Although your idea of wasting time and mine differ, it’s nice to know that you’re not toiling your life away. I know someone who does. Without reaching too far into the bent guttering of utter despair, let’s just say that Chantix would improve Butchie’s mental health. I’m starting to worry about you, however.
Well, maybe not worry. Worry would imply that I give a dook, and I don’t. On second thought, curious would be a much better word. I’m curious as to why you’d create a blog dedicated to harassing somebody who cares even less about you than I do. Why would Geoff Caldwell, someone blessed with an impressive IQ, bother with an intellectual lightweight like Duane Graham? It’s like Einstein giving up his Unified Field Theory to obsess over remarks Milton Berle made about how he spaced off Maxwell’s equations in relation to mass-energy equivalence. It makes no sense.
I can see why an idiot giving you the bums rush would stick in your craw. I’m not sure it rises to the level of a First Amendment issue, but his callow treatment obviously hurt your feelings. Because Graham isn’t the sharpest knife, he failed to grasp the level of sophistication inherent in carefully misspelled insults. It took me a day or two to fully appreciate how you cleverly impersonated the stereotypical right-wing prick. Graham’s failure to grasp “Dwain Bwain” hilarity was an open sore of near-brilliant satire. Maybe its because I’m stoned but just saying “Dwain Bwain” over and over and over again is making me giggle. And now I have the fucking hiccups: Comedy is not only hard but annoying.
Remember the advice Woody Allen gave Dick Cavett: Don’t throw pearls at swine. Wouldn’t your talents be better spent concentrating on poetry? I read a few samples and immediately thought the style was a clever meld of “The Pointy Birds” and “Man from Nantucket.” Although I lack your knack for meter, “Dreams” inspired me to lick my salty muse.
_________________________
Eyeballs Near Jejunum
Obama is a Kenyan
As black as black can be
A traitor to his country
No gallant Bobby Lee.
Dwain Bwain is a commie
To write he is not fit
A blight on all our mommies;
Joplin’s local chicken shit.
Twinkle, twinkle all that’s bright
Let Freedom sing her tune
With Reagan’s lance to make things right
And Peggy Noonan’s poon.
Tank festooned with common sense
My helmet gleaming white
I’ll suck the Koch of corporate spooge
While Anson takes a bite.
I just went and read Caldwell's bio and found mind numbing lines like the following...
ReplyDelete"He remembers an America that was proud of herself; that even though she stumbled, she knew she stood for freedom and what was right in the world. An America that didn't bend over backwards to "apologize" to the rest of the world for how evil and terrible she is"
This is a Lenny Bruce sketch, right? Does the Joplin Globe advertise for "taxpayers with an axe to grind" or do they just show up out front, resume in hand, spouting nonsense about how Herman Cain is going to save us?
I feel like America should apologize to the rest of the world for housing people who write that sort of nonsense.
The Dwain Bwain thing is really funny in a "we're laughing at you not with you" type of way. I imagine he thought it was clever and that's really what's important.
Jesus man! Why did you have to mention this guy? I just read some of his poetry. It's like some stuff a third grader would have written after spending a summer at a Bircher Camp. Everything about this guy seems to suck.
ReplyDeleteKeith,
ReplyDeleteYou hit nail on head about “laughing at you.” Even for Joplin (or what’s left of it) Caldwell’s “conservatism” is cranked way too tight for polite society. He can’t stand it that Duane Graham has grown a national audience, while he gets an ‘atta’ boy from a local loser named “Uncle Jed.”
As for his stabs at poetry....dirty limericks are like Robert Lowell compared to whatever he’s scribbling. Maybe Caldwell is really an insane 87 year old English teacher named Mae Belle Dingerhoffen, a spooky old broad who gives ‘trick or treaters’ lumps of stale cheese.
Man, the Birdos got bombed in Denver. And so did I after the third inning.
I’m still in the process of moving. I think I’d rather have a hobo give me another circumcision.
Dude, I'm going through Muck withdrawl! Write more soon.
ReplyDeleteJane Reaction appreciates a man who can artfully rhyme tune with poon. Lovin' the Caldwell slice and dice.
ReplyDelete